Post # 1
So ladies basically as the title of the thread, I have a bit of a crush on a new work colleague. I adore my fiance and can’t wait to be married, anf now feel really guilty.
should I tell my fiancé? I haven’t cheated & would never cross that boundary, but i know my FI would be really upset to know that I even liked someone else.
i think my colleague feels the same & is also in a serious relationship. What should I do? x
Post # 2
Cut off as much contact with this new colleague, and I wouldn’t tell your FI. This is something you need to work on in yourself.
Post # 3
Cory_loves_this_girl: you’re totally right. I would never cheat as I love my SO with all my heart, I’m really insecure at the moment so feel maybe this is why. Thank you x
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Don’t tell him, and don’t beat yourself up about it, either. Being married (usually) means committing yourself to staying faithful to one person. Being married does NOT mean gouging your eyes out of your head or never talking to the opposite sex again. It will fade with time as long as you don’t fuel it (get coffee alone with this person, etc.) Your DH will have crushes, you will have crushes, you will both find other people attractive as they jog by shirtless … doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your marriage, just means you’re human 😉 But your DH also has a right not to know certain things. It probably wouldn’t feel great for your self esteem if your DH confessed tearfully every single time he saw a girl sunning herself in the park and felt a little lusty, would it? So keep it to yourself.
Post # 5
Winterbride_England: Your FI doesn’t get to own your thoughts just because he put a ring on it. As long as that is all it is there is no need to share.
Post # 6
rachel85: thank you Rachel your advice was so helpful, I think that has totally put some perspective to it. I dont and wouldn’t see this colleague outside of work, I will also as has been suggested try to limit my time spent with him, which should be easy. No it wouldn’t, I think he’d end up really worrying when I went to work when there is no need.
j_jaye: yes, that’s all it is- I kinda fancy him but would never act on it and haven’t. Thank you for your advice it’s appreciated X
Post # 7
Winterbride_England: Aww it’s okay hun. It’s totally normal. Definitely don’t tell your FI. Of course you don’t want to keep secrets from him but this us not something that he needs to know since it actually isn’t anything at all. As you’ve said, you won’t ever act on it.
I remember a friend of mine telling me are had a mini crush on a colleague of hers too while she was dating her now DH. I was shocked since she always talked about her DH being the one for her etc. but when I saw her colleague, I could totally understand her feelings. The man was a cross between George Clooney and Brad Pitt! For me, once I started dating my FI, I haven’t laid eyes on anyone else though – he stole my eyes as well as my heart haha.
Post # 8
My FI knows who I find physically attractive, I was very ill and mentioned I found the nurse very cute. He laughed and said that he did not find that look very attractive at all. I think his feelings were a bit hurt that I found someone else attractive, but he got over it. He’s not as visiual as most guys, becuase of his over-riding engineer-type “if it’s not practical, I don’t care” personality.
It really depends on how your FI would handle it and how much you share. My FI knows not to share his mountian biking adventures becuase no matter how tame they upset me. I do not share things with my FI that are plans more than a few months in the future becuase he finds that upsetting. (except our wedding, he’s excited for that).
Post # 9
Winterbride_England: i think almost everyone has had a crush on a colleague at one point. Its completely normal – anyone that works full time spends alot of time with their colleagues. I never tell my DH if I have a crush or flirt with a colleague – but i make sure he knows about all my work friends even if he hasnt met them yet. Just be aware of your flirting level – and dont cross any boundaries. If you work with the guy it will be hard to cut off contact from him – but basically dont do anything that you feel like you need to hide from your DH (lunch dates, excessive emails/texts, etc)
Post # 10
Winterbride_England: There is nothing to be gained from telling your FI about it at this point. In fact, it will probably do a lot more harm than good to your relationship if you do. Crushes are normal. The important thing is that nothing has happened between the two of you. You better cut off all non-essential contact with this guy and get over this crush. Keep it to yourself unless you want to risk unnecessarily ruining what you have with your FI.
Post # 11
Winterbride_England: No need to tell your FI. Crushes are normal. Just don’t fuel the fire and they go away pretty quickly. I’ve noticed that if I do find myself having a little crush it’s because the guy reminds me of DH in some way-looks, personality, similar sense of humor. DH has the whole package though, so it’s no contest. 🙂
Post # 12
Winterbride_England: I find it interesting that you say you adore your fiance. There was no mention of you loving him? I think you really need to reassess your feelings for him because it’s not fair to marry someone if you’re not in love with them, and the other party believes you love them as much as they do.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
futuremrschristensen: Adoring vs. loving – isn’t that kind of splitting hairs, semantically? Not to be blunt, but that sounds like awfully shaky grounds to accuse OP of something as serious as marrying someone she isn’t in love with.
That escalated quickly.
Post # 14
rachel85: thank you! Couldn’t have put it better myself.
thanks for all your wonderful advice ladies- I did mention it to my fiancé explaining that I have been feeling quite insecure- lots of different reasons for this & that I had a silly crush on a colleague. He laughed it off as normal and as long as I had no intentions of going there then it was fine.
futuremrschristensen: I mentioned in another comment that I love my SO with all my heart- there’s no question of that. Thank you for the advice tho x
Post # 15
I think you should chat with him about it. My fiance and I understand that it’s naive to think we won’t occasionally crush on other people, and so we have an agreement to tell each other when that’s happening so we can work on making our relationship better. I always feel so good about us when we have those talks (happens maybe once or twice a year) because that level of trust makes me feel more secure in my relationship and like I can be honest with my fiance about anything that’s on my mind. I also know it will keep me from cheating in the future when I otherwise might accidentally cross a line, because we hold each other accountable when we find out one of us is attracted to somebody at work or whatever. I know I can be honest before things even begin to go too far, and it helps us work on spicing up our relationship or doing little things for each other that fell by the wayside at some point. Similarly, when he tells me about someone at his school or work, I feel happy that he trusted me and respected me enough to tell me.
Maybe you could talk to each other and get to a point where you agree to talk about things like this without getting angry/hurt. We do this in an effort for total honesty and transparency in our relationship, and it really is helpful for us.
Besides, if something is bothering you or making you feel guilty, you should always be able to talk about it with your partner.