Post # 1
Ok so, my in-laws have issues with me due to my “lack of religious beliefs”. There’s a whole long drama with that, where they told my fiance that they “hope we never procreate” among other many hateful horrible things.
Long story short, his mother wrote me a note saying she was sorry, and I was expected to forgive her. Which I have to a point. She’s being invited to the wedding, where before she was not. I feel like that is more than generous at this point (again, due to the horrible things she’s said about my fiance and I).
Now, here we are four months out from our wedding, and his parents are making their travel arrangements (they live on the west coast, we are in MN). They are renting a car and driving. His mother emails me and says they cannot afford a hotel room. She says that my fiance told her that we were getting a hotel room for ourselves the weekend of our wedding and asked if they could stay in our 1 bedroom apartment for the weekend of our wedding. We are not getting a hotel room, because we cannot afford it. We’re paying for our own wedding. There was a chance we would get a free hotel room if X number of guests booked from the block we reserved, but that was going to be OUR bridal suite.
The kicker? In the same email she mentions to me that she is planning on getting her hair and nails done for our wedding. At this rate, I am going to have to do MY OWN hair and nails for my own wedding because we are on a shoestring budget.
Now I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I forfeit our free wedding suite (IF we qualify for one) to his mean and ungrateful parents? Do I pay for a hotel room for my fiance and I on our wedding weekend so that his parents can have our 1 bedroom apartment? Do I pay for a cheap hotel room for them? If the situation was different with his parents, I would absolutely help in any way I could, but I feel like the way his mother has treated me due to my religion choices.
Any advice on this would be very much appreciated. My mother (who is local to the wedding area, but refuses to put them up in her home because of the terrible things that were said and I don’t blame her) suggested my fiance and I pay for a cheap motel room just to end the drama. I am torn. Please help!
Post # 3
@FrugalBride2B: I would simply tell her that at this point you are looking at being in your apartment yourselves and are unable to host them.
Refer them to Priceline, Hotwire, AirBnB to find accomodation they can afford.
Post # 4
It’s perfectly okay to say that you don’t know what your plans will be yet so you’re unable to offer them your apartment, and you hope they can find affordable accomodations nearby. Under no circumstances should you offer them your free hotel room. If you wind up being able to get the free hotel room, then you can decide whether to let them stay at your apartment on the night you’ll be away. But it’s really okay to say, “Nope, sorry, we don’t have room to accomodate guests the night before/after the wedding. Please let us know if we can help you find inexpensive accomodations.”
Post # 5
I would just be honest with her, to a point. Let her know that you’re not sure if you’ll have the hotel room or not, since it is only GIFTED to you by the hotel if you have X amount of guest bookings. If you do not have a room, you’d need to stay at your apartment, so you’d hate to commit to something now only to retract later.
If you’re feeling particularly snarky – which I would be by now – you could mention that you’re likely doing your own beauty routine that day to save $, and it’s saving you at least $X. Shoot her a link to hotels in the area that are near that price range she’s spending on her own beauty.
Post # 6
Honestly, I wouldn’t give them anything. Tell them you’re staying home, and don’t mention the free room. It’s none of their business. They’re adults, they should be able to handle their own accomodations. If she can get her nails and hair done, she can afford a room for them to stay in.
Post # 7
@FrugalBride2B: Just tell her that you are sorry, but your Fiance was mistaken, and at this point you will most likely be staying at your apartment.
I can’t think of a single reason under these circumstances that you should offer them your free hotel room. After all, what happens if you don’t get it? Then you’ll have to tell them the hotel room fell through and now they are out of a place to stay. They need to book a hotel room no matter what happens, so just tell them you are staying at your apartment and don’t metion the hotel room. They can figure out what to do from there. It’s not your responsibility to figure out where your adult in-laws are going to sleep.
Post # 8
@FrugalBride2B: they should be able to find somewhere else or she can forego getting her nails and hair done. I’d say that there’s a change of plans—they have plenty of time to save for a hotel room.
Post # 9
Ladies thank you all SO much for your input. I was worried I was in the wrong here, by thinking that they should be dealing with this themselves, but it sounds like everyone is on the same page.
If the circumstances were different (and his mother hadn’t treated me so horribly) I might be more inclined to help. I think I am going to give them a list of cheaper hotels and tell them we are staying in our OWN apartment
She even had the gall to suggest that if I was being “traditional” and not going to see him the night before our wedding, that they would take our room, and my fiance could sleep ON THE COUCH the night before the wedding!
Post # 10
@FrugalBride2B: under no circumstances should you allow them access to your apartment when you are not there. I have girlfriends in your situation, and Mother-In-Law went thru all of her stuff, including a diary, and shared it with the family to prove my gf was not “Christian” enough for her son. Said diary was copied ans distributed. It tore the family apart. Do yourself a favor and maintain boundaries. It’s not your problem that they have behaved so badly that no one wants to host them.
Post # 11
YOU don’t do anything. You let your fiance deal with them – they’re his family. If Future Mother-In-Law emails you, forward the email to your fiance.
And yes, he should tell them that sorry, there’s no space, they’ll need to splash out and hire a hotel for 1 or 2 nights for their son’s wedding.
Post # 12
Yeah I agree with PP to not let them stay in your apartment. That’s just asking for trouble.
Out of curiosity, is your fiance religious or nonreligious?
Post # 13
I could have written so many parts of this post myself. We live in MN, while his parents are back home. His mother, grandmother, and sister are all upset about our engagement because I’m not religious enough. I also make it worse because I’m a scientist, oh the blasphemy (yeah they’re those kind of christains). When Fiance broke the news of our engagement over the phone to his mother one of the first things out of her mouth was don’t have children. She has yet to say congratualtions, though after 4.5 months his grandmother broke down and wrote us a short note congratulating us in response to our engagement annoucement. I’m lucky though that his father and father’s side loves me and are very enthusiastic about the upcoming wedding. We also don’t have to deal with our parent’s travel arrangements because we’re going back to our hometown to get married. I guess I’m accomodating his family by planing long distance (my family can afford to travel, his cannot).
I absolutely would not feel obligated to accomodate his parents demands, especially when you cannot afford it. They’re going to have to spring for their own accomodations.
Post # 14
@Tinatiny1: OMG That is absolutely unreal. And terrifying and horrible. Just wow.
Post # 15
@distracts: My fiance considers himself agnostic at his point, much to his mother’s dismay. She calls herself a “good Christian” but does absolutely nothing that I would identify as a good person, let alone a good Christian. But I could go on about that for days.
He NOW considers himself agnostic, however he clearly has more atheist beliefs, I think he’s just afraid to totally say he does not believe anymore. This of course has nothing to do with me and started before we met, but of course, somehow that is my fault.
She also felt the need to say that she’s sorry she won’t see me in the afterlife, but that she hopes she will still see her son.
Post # 16
@FrugalBride2B: that’s rather what I suspected. My husband’s family is very religious too while he is not. They were often not at all accepting of that, but fortunately had about fifteen years to get used to it before I came into the picture. They will either get used to it with time… or continue being judgemental and you will just rarely see them. The one thing I will say is make sure you know what you will do about any future kids and the inlaws. Because mine have apparently in the past had issues with being… extremely judgmental towards nonreligious people… we already have a rule that any future children will never be left alone with his parents. Seems harsh but we don’t want the mental torture visited on them that they put my husband through when he was younger for not conforming to their beliefs. We sorted this in premarital counseling, which I really recommend if you can afford it (our counselor usually does religious premarital/marital counseling but just dropped the religiony parts for us and it worked out perfectly). I know this is totally unrelated to the question in the post, haha, but that’s my two cents on the inlaws issue.