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I was married 10 years ago for 3 weeks. I was barely out of college and wanted to move out of my parents house. I did not want to go through with it, the night before was the worst night of my life, and I wanted to die. I only went thru because my parents threw a huge gala and I was afraid they'd be pissed if I cancelled. 3 weeks later the guy hit me and I left. It was annulled and I was left broke (he took all the gifts and money).
Fast forward 10 years. I have met my prince. We are engaged and because of my past mistake, my parents (who are very wealthy) refuse to give us even so much as a wedding gift. Fine. We will pay for a very small wedding ourselves. It breaks my heart and makes me cry, daily, that I wasted my only chance at a fairy tale wedding on a mistake but whatever. I was a stupid kid.
My biggest issue right now is I see other women getting bridal showers and registering for honeymoon sites. My mother has told me if "I dare" to do any of these things she will not even come to my wedding.
So because I screwed up at 22, does this mean at 32 with the man of my dreams that I am entitled to nothing. No shower? No registry? No nice wedding? I don't want a white dress, but what if I did? According to my mother I'd be a laughing stock.
My FI's family wants me to have these things. I don't think he's told his family I was married before because it was an annullment, not a divorce and neither FI or I care about it, or thought about it at all until my mom started bringing it up.
FI wants me to have these things. His mother wants to make sure I get a shower and all the special bridal things but maybe it's because she doesn't know?
This is breaking my heart. I wish I didn't waste my only chance. :( A honeymoon registry would help FI and I so much but then I'll have to listen to everyone on my side of the family calling me tacky, and all other kinds of things.
wow...I dont have much to say Gothy, but I am so sorry that it so horrible you are being basically being held at fault for what happend 10 yrs ago!
You didn't waste your chance! You made a mistake 10 years ago and your mom is trying to make you pay for a lifetime.
You have to hold your head high and block out any of the belittling your mother is doing. She is only one person in a cast of many who is involved in your wedding. Don't let her ruin it by trying to make you feel guilty.
You should be reveling in the fact that you found the right man, and you have every right to celebrate with gifts, parties, and even a white dress if that was what you wanted.
I know it would be devestating if your mom didn't come... but if she is really going to do something like that over whether you register or not, you have to ask yourself "Would I really want her there?"
I am so sorry that you are sad. Please don't let the negativity get to you!
What about your bridesmaids and MOH, usually they will "throw" you a shower? Your mom and your family doesn't need to be invited. It can be your friends, and some of FI's family.
The only bright side of your family refusing to pay for the wedding is that they don't get to control it. If you and your FI are paying for it and you both want a honeymoon registry, you can go right ahead and have one. If your FI's family or your friends want to throw you a bridal shower, you should go. If your family chooses to boycott these events, that is their choice.
Wow, no offense but I would like to punch your mom in the face. That is so not right, yes you made a mistake by marrying the guy, but she can't martyr you for the rest of your life because of it. It isn't fair, and if I were you I would have everything you want that you can afford and tell your mom you guess she won't be there.
Sorry, but I'm vindictive and if my mom treated me like that I would totally do it just to spite her
Thanks girls. I'm so glad I found this site. It helps a lot.
I'm so lucky to have found my fiance. He's been amazing and understanding. He keeps saying he will do whatever it takes to make sure I have a great wedding. And I want him to have the best to. I know he wants an actual wedding as opposed to eloping (he has a big close knit family) so I want him to have that. Otherwise, I'd just run away with him.
I was just looking at the honeymoon registry and it looks like it would be such a good thing for us. But I feel like I am not allowed to register because of my past. Doesn't my future husband deserve it though? Why should he miss out too?
Ugh... :(
I don't have anything to add but "WOW!" I send you a very big ((hug)). I was divorced by the time I was 22, so yeah, mistakes happen.
I say you should do whatever makes you happy. Your family,mad or not, should recognize that people deserve second chances. Maybe you can sit down and talk to your mom about the way your feeling. Let them know that you feel that he is the one for you. Let them know that with or without their blessings, you deserve to the best and you deserve to be happy.
Big hugs and best of luck to you.
P.s
about the future in laws not knowing about the first marriage, I'd say as long as you FI knows that's all that matters. What difference should it make to them.
My only concern is that his mom (who loves me) will find out and that it will change her opinion of me. Right now she's picturing bridal showers, and helping me pick out registry items. And I want these things but I just feel like I shouldn't. :(
I don't have any close female friends. I know that sounds weird, but my two best girl friends are in other states and likely will not be able to be in the wedding at all. My other best friend is a guy so I will likely have him stand up as my "witness". But I don't think he'll be too keen on throwing a bridal shower. If anyone throws one, it will be my future MIL.
Gothy, I think that in terms of telling your FMIL about your past, that is totally up to you. If you think it'll change her perspective of you, maybe you shouldn't tell her. There are many things about us that our respective FIL's don't know, and I think they are better left unsaid. As long as your FI knows and is fine with it, than that's all that really matters.
I think your putting too much pressure on yourself. Life happens. Mistakes are made. "Your past makes you who you are today."
Bottom line is this is YOUR wedding and you deserve to be happy.
Do you ladies think registering for the honeymoon reg would be tacky? Then it would truly be for both FI & I and not just girly home stuff (FI is not a cooker, cleaner or otherwise domestic man lol) like people usually reg for. And it would allow us to take a small honeymoon.
If I was your sister, friend, daughter, etc. would you think I was awful for doing that?
I'm sorry, I'm not a nice person, if one mistake from a decade ago was being rubbed in my face, I would do what was best for me and my husband and ignore whoever it was (yes, even my own mother) because she is not who I'm spending the rest of my life with. I'd do it to spite her anyway, who on earth does she think she is telling you what you can and can't do at 32? You're not 12 anymore.
*edit* I wouldn't think [honeymoon registry]it was tacky, lots of ppl already live together and have the set up so don't need the towels/knives/china set etc and the costs add up with a honeymoon on top
You don't only get one chance!
This is your wedding and you should have everything that you want that goes along with it! If your FMIL wants to throw you a shower (Just don't tell your mom) and I think you should still go ahead and register!
Good luck - And remember YOU DO DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT for your wedding!!!!!
Well I too can feel your pain Gothybride with the mom issues.
As far as I see it, register for whatever you wish! Your mom isn't paying for your wedding and she doesn't call the shots. I'm not sure why her response is so negative. It just doesn't make sense to me (either does my mom too btw) why when you've taken such positive steps in your life over the last 10 years.
Hugs to you. (((GB)))
Let HIS family throw you a shower and your friends. Don't invite mom since you know she has a dissenting opinion. Place possibly a healthy barrier between you since she hasn't been terribly supportive imho. You have those who LOVE YOU VERY MUCH and your mom does too. Maybe she's jealous since you get two weddings and she had one? I just seriously cannot fathom why she would even be one ounce negative towards you.
This is YOUR life and your love for the ages. LIVE IT WELL and with NO REGRETS! Have that shower. Have a huge wedding or a small fabulous destination wedding. Just make your day filled with love and memories to last a lifetime.
i don't usually condone going around parents' backs but would there be a way to register / have your shower without your mum finding out?
I don't understand why your mom is being so negative about all of this. Wow. I think personally, when it comes down to it, it's YOUR life and I think you should do what will make you and your FI happiest. What's the point in pleasing others, if maybe when you look back you'll have regrets? I agree with Bellenga, surround yourself with those who love you and support you the most and enjoy your special day and all of the days leading up to it.
If someone (your mother or your mother-in-law or anyone) thinks less of you for this then they are ridiculous. I don't even think you made a mistake - the mistake as I see it would have been staying with this first guy who you didn't love and who HIT you. You may have caved to some pressure by your parents when you were 22, but you are obviously a lot stronger than that - both 10 days after your wedding when you left him and now.
You deserve any party you want and so does your boy. I doubt your FMIL will think less of you for standing up for yourself (10 years ago, I might add) and then falling in love with the right guy. Especially since that aforementioned right guy is her little boy.
BTW, is your mom still living in the 1800's? Even Ms. Post has changed her rules for this century!
Personally, I would tell your FMIL. She should be proud to have such an awesome DIL that didn't stay with an abusive husband. You can be totally honest about it - the fact that it was 10 years ago and it never came up is natural. However, given the way you describe your mother, there is a good chance she will inform you FMIL at some point so I think its best coming from you.
I also don't understand your mother at all. She should be thrilled her daughter got away from an abusive husband. You aren't asking her to pay again, so I don't understand where she is coming from...
You deserve to have whatever it is that you want! I feel just awful that your mother is behaving this way - IMHO its not right at all. You sound like you have really done well getitng yourself into a good situation with a wonderful guy, and she should be proud of you.
Can't your FIs family just kind of um, take control of the situation (or you can tell your mom that is what they did) and register, have a shower, etc? Honey, I want to throw you a shower and if I lived closer, I would, and your mom would not be able to do a thing about it!!!
And I hate this word "tacky". I wish people would seriously stop calling everything tacky. What is tacky about doing something that makes you happy and isn't bothering anyone else???
i've read this post before, about two weeks or so ago, did you repost?
I agree with Janna. I would probably tell my FMIL. First, it soundsl ike you two get along well. Second, do you think you really caqn keep this a secret your entire life? I would be hesitant that I could not.
With regards to your mom, would it be fair to say that she is ticked that she dumped a ton of money into a wedding that ended before it started? You were pretty young when you got married. Did she try to talk you out of getting married? I'm just picturing converstaion in which she expresses doubt, but you insist. Then she gives in and says, "fine but this is the only wedding I'm ever paying for. I think it's a big mistake, but it's your choice." If this is somewhere close to true, I have the feeling she's just trying to inflict some annoyance and displeasure on you, as she experienced in paying for a wedding she might have disapproved of and warned you about. "I told you so. Now I'll fix your wagon."
In a way, I can understand not wanting to pay for a second wedding. She could probably see that marriage was a big mistake. (And being young you were probably not interested in her wisdom.) But she should be happpy for you, at this point. And relieved that you got your head straightened out and left your first husband before something awful happened. If she doesn't want to pay for the wedding, I wouldn't hold it against her. But trying to make you feel terrible for having a shower or registereing, is out of line. There really isn't a reason for your own mother to try to make you feel like this during such a happy time in your life.
My only advice would be if you haven't really poureed it all out to your mom, one on one, maybe you can do that. "Mom, I know you were right all those years ago. I didn't want to go through with the wedding, but was afraid about cancelling, since you put so much money into it. I should have listened.... But I have a chance now to have a real marriage...."
I don't know if I was close on any of that stuff. But I still believe you and your mom, can work it out. Good luck. Keep us posted.
I say go for it! If your mom holds it against you, it's something you can't control. Is your mom one of those moms who will always find something to hold against you?
I would rather regret DOING something than regret NOT doing something. I think you should throw yourself into it. Maybe if your mom sees how much it means to you, then she will change her mind?
Regardless, the man you are marrying sounds GREAT, and you are ending up with a wonderful family of in-laws. Sometimes the best family is the one you're not born into. Good luck.
Gothy, you sound like you are going through so much. My best advice is to just start in the most important place... come clean to your FMIL. You can't have that "will her opinion of me change when she finds out?" worry hanging over your head through this whole planning process. And believe me, whether you tell her or not, by the end of this she will have found out. Get her on your side.
Once you've done that. Forget what your actual silly mother has been saying okay? She is just one person, and if that one person is going to be that stupid and shallow to not come to your wedding because of a mistake you made ten years ago, you don't want her there anyway. It sounds to me like she is more worried about how it's going to make HER look to have you ask her relatives for gifts and such again, because if she was so opposed to your FI, she wouldn't be going either way. Not "I wont go if this, I wont go if that" bullcrap.
Finally, you don't need BMs to throw you a shower. Throw one for yourself. My sister did it and it was fabulous!
Oh and one more thing: BE HAPPY! YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED! The man is all that matters :)
Oh, and just curious, how much time has your family had to warm up to this new guy? If they had a chance to get to know him and love him like you do, I just really feel they'd just have to be supportive.
I get Tanya's point about your mom not wanting to pay for 2 weddings, etc., but it was TEN YEARS AGO. Not only that, you left when he hit you. He hit you! What's with the ten year grudge? People suffer less for much bigger "mistakes." (and I do not consider leaving a potentially abusive relationship a mistake.)
Your mother has really drummed this "wasted wedding" thing into you and I think you might be projecting onto your FMIL. It's highly unlikely that she shares your mother's viewpoint with regard to second marriages... most people don't. Your first (very brief) marriage isn't anyone's business but to you & your FI.
Register for & do what you want. I don't think your mother's opinion will change much... and as sad as it would be if she made good on her threat to boycott the wedding, she might be doing you a favor. Either way, focus on yourself and on your happiness.
I'm in the camp that says "tell FMIL." You need all the support you can get, and if you tell her what you just told us, I can't imagine that she would think any less of you. Like Mitla, I wonder if you're maybe projecting your mom's attitudes onto FMIL? I bet she'll be a lot more understanding than you fear!
As far as your mom goes -- not wanting to pay for the wedding is one thing. Saying you don't even get a gift, and harping on you for what happened ten years ago, and threatening not to come over something as trivial as your registry? Your parents need to get a grip. The only person embarassing your mother is, well, herself. I mean really, who acts that way over a freaking bridal shower?
I have to ask, would it really be the worst thing in the world if she didn't show? What if you did a honeymoon registry, had a bridal shower, and when she found out and threw a fit, you told her that you were sorry she was so upset and you'll miss her at the wedding? Because frankly, your mom sounds toxic, and given her capacity for hurting and upsetting you, I can't help wondering if your wedding day would be much happier if she was somewhere far away. In an ideal world, your mom would be supportive and happy for you, but if you know she can't do that, please don't upset yourself trying to make her happy. Make yourself and your FI happy instead!
Registering and having a shower are a part of building your new home and life together. So in my opinion-do it. Register for what you need for you home and/or honeymoon. And let your FI's family throw you a shower. Your mom does not have to be there.
Just because you had a marriage that did not work out, does not mean you are not entitled to anything. You and your FI both deserve all the happiness in the world.
First, I applaud you for not taking money from your very wealthy parents and are throwing a small wedding for you and your fiance. Secondly, why would your mother hold it against you if you have a shower, if she's not paying for it, or anything, for that matter? If someone else throws you a shower, your mom would not go to your wedding?? That doesn't even make sense! Thirdly, why would your mom be holding a grudge against you for leaving a no good husband?? He hit you! Would she have preferred it if you stayed with him and be abused, so that she felt that she didn't waste her money on a gala wedding?
Your mother is being WAY too harsh on you. You do deserve a happy wedding, and if you are not even using her money, she has no say in any matter! Why can't you accept gifts from people? I don't understand it. As for bridal showers, I do envy those who get one, too, as I am not getting one myself (no BMs are local), but if someone throws me one, who's anyone to say I can't have one?
Your mother is being so unfair to your fiance, too. Most fiances would want their bride to feel special and happy, and your mother is preventing that form happening.
I second those who say heck with your mother. She's your mother - she should be on YOUR SIDE. What happened to you 10 years ago was soooo long ago and people do make mistakes. Whatever happened to second chances?
Thanks ladies. I might have posted something similiar last week as this has been bugging me a lot and I need to vent.
My mom did not try to talk me out of anything 10 years ago. My parents threw a huge gala and I didn't even know 1/2 the people there because they were my parents friends.
My parents love my fiance. At one point, my mom even said she thought he was too good for me.
Oh, when I told my parents why I left my ex, my mom didn't believe me and said I just "wanted attention".
She is just an old school ultra conservative person I guess. I don't know. Her best friend, my godmother, is divorced. Not remarried, but divorced. Mom doesn't seen to hold it against her. *shrug*
I just do not get it. Either way, I think I am going to go ahead and register and tell FMIL. I want FMIL to know my mom's attitude problems stem from her feelings towards her own daughter and not from FMIL's son.
Aw, girl, this is a hard situation.... ***HUGS***
Perhaps I am not the most versed on wedding etiquette, but I had no idea that you weren't "supposed" to register for things if you are getting married for the second time??? To me, that sounds ridiculous...a wedding is symbolizing a new beginning, and registering for things helps you to do so! I honestly would never think my friend was tacky because she had a wedding registry for a second wedding. That would never once cross my mind.
Also, if this is your FI's first marriage...then it is HIS chance to do the registry, honeymoon etc! I'd totally be using that angle! Why should he not get the same experience? I think a honeymoon registry is fabulous, and I know that a lot of my friends are wanting me to set one up for one or our registries...since the FI and I won't have a permanent house by the time we get married...we'll be house hunting...I won't be sure of what I want! You should totally do the honeymoon registry.
In the end, even though she is your mom, I would not let her get in the way of your happiness for your big day. Sure, perhaps the situation isn't her ideal one, but she should suck it up and be happy that you have found the right man, and not dwell on 10 years in the past! And hey, if you look "tacky" to people, that is a reflection on YOU, not on her, so why should she care? (and like I said, I wouldn't ever think that was tacky)...
Hey Gothy! I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. I feel for you I really do. I got married at 21 because I was expecting and it didn't work out. We didn't have a huge wedding but my parents helped in other ways. So this time around they are not helping either. They are not being too bad about it but they are refusing the help. I agree with you we all make mistakes and that is what we learn from. I now too have met my true prince who not only loves me but loves my beautiful thriving 6yr old daughter Kinsley. We are going to do the best we can and make do. We love each other and that's all that matters! Hang in there you guys will find a way. I will think of you and wish all the luck in the world...Even though she is your mother don't let her ruin your happy day and it is your day and there is nothing TACKY about anything you are doing. Good Luck again!
You deserve this day. I'm afraid if you do what your mom wishes for you to do, you'd regret it years down the road. And when you look back, you won't have positive thoughts because you've compromised everything you wanted on your day with your special person for what your mom wanted. I think it's unfair for your sanity, emotional state and future also. It'll eat you up inside and make you hurt and resent your mom.
Your mom loves you, I have no doubt about that. Perhaps there are internal battles she needs to deal with herself that she can't get over. I don't think it's right that she throws it on you but maybe she doesn't know how to control it. In any case, you're a grown woman now who obviously had a minor stumble in the road int he past. That's perfectly fine. She doesn't want to contribute for your wedding? Even better, you are in full control of your wedding - financially and emotionally. You made this day happen because YOU wanted it to and YOU made it happen. So be proud of it. I believe with time, your mother will be proud of you for this. You took your own path and believed in it.
I believe this day should carry on like it was your first wedding. Let it happen how you dreamed it to be. Come forth to your FMIL about it and she'll probably be shocked but offer her open arms to you.
Best of luck :) We're rooting for you!
Hi Gothybride! I read a few of your other posts, and it really sounds to me as if your mom is using you as her punching bag. Above, you said that your mom loves your FI, so much so that she told you that he's too good for you. Who says that to their own daughter? It sounds like your first wedding was what SHE wanted, and nothing about what YOU wanted. In a separate post, you mentioned that you tried to call it off, but she wouldn't let you since everything was already paid for, and they didn't want to lose out on all the money they had spent. While it's really unfortunate that they would lose out, wouldn't they rather you not make a mistake and put you in a situation where your ex hit you? I would think they would want their daughter to be happy and safe than stuck in an abusive relationship with someone they don't want to be with.
I think you're extremely strong for walking away before things got worse. Who knows what he could have done to you. And now that you found your prince, and you're paying for everything yourself, go with what YOU want. My vote is to tell your FMIL about your past. You said that they love you like a daughter, and you love them - when that happens, those type of people will hear you out and empithize with your sistuation. Explain to them exactly what you explained to us, and I'm sure they would understand and STILL want to give you bridal showers and celebrate your marriage to their son.
What your mom is doing right now is trying to emotionally blackmail you. If you go along with what she's saying, she'll get her way as usual. My guess is that she will not follow through with her threats. If your FILs want to throw you a shower, let them! She's the one who feels embarrassed by everything, not you, and it sounds as if she has a problem with every choice you make that isn't in line with her own.
Ok, sorry for the rambling, I just wanted to lend some support and tell you to go with what you want! You're paying, and I don't think your mom will follow through with her threats. You deserve to be happy, b/c you never were the first time around! Everyone deserves their shot at happiness no matter how many times it takes to get it right.
"Wanted attention?!" Your mom & your reaction to her sounds like emotional abuse to me (and I say this as someone who's been emotionally abused!).
When I was saying not to tell FMIL, I was just saying not to tell her in a "I have a dirty secret" type of way. I just think that your past isn't something you *have* to tell anyone, and if it comes up later you can be like, "Yes, it was something that happened, it was very brief, but things are better now." End of story.
I just don't think it's this big horrible secret that should change her perception of you or come back to haunt you later (like, say, a secret child or something). But if you feel close to her and think she will be understanding & nice, it's fine to share that information if you want. You could also have your FH talk to her privately.
If you tell her I would emphasize that what's really hurting you is your mom's reaction to your 2nd marriage, and let her know for sure how completely you have recovered from that incident. She loves you like a daughter, but she's your FHs mother first and that will be important to her.
My mom was remarried at age 50 to my stepdad. They had a nice wedding and her friends threw her a shower! It was so cute. :)
Just saying thanks again girls. I really appreciate everyones input & it is making me feel a lot better.
Gothy, you DONT get just one chance...you mad a mistake, your mom needs to stop making you pay for it now. Its been 10 years, the past is the past...and shame on her for forcing you into it (even if thats not what happened, you felt obliged to follow through out of fear that SHE would be angry. Not acceptable.)
REgistering for gifts, honeymoon, having a shower, having a REAL dream wedding with your REAL dream prince is NOT TACKY - it is 100% socially acceptable. Your mom sounds like she is stuck in old time thinking. You would not be a laughing stock by any means. You have another fmaily and your group of friends to support you - the attitude that it is unacceptable is unacceptable within itself. There is not need for that. You BOTH deserve everything that comes along with a wedding, and I suggest you throw your fears aside and go for it.
HUGS!
How stressful for you! Sorry about this difficult situation.
By all means, register for your honeymoon! Importantly, registries are for the convenience of your guests. It takes out the guess-work and allows them to show their love. If your family chooses not to participate, that's fine. But that doesn't mean that his family wouldn't appreciate a point in the right direction. If you are worried about the drama, ask your FMIL to pass the info on her side through word of mouth. Then your family would be none the wiser.
What is the most concerning is your mother's manipulation. Parents should give unconditional love... not threaten withholding support if you do x, y or z. I could understand if she felt your FI was a really bad guy, but this is about etiquette issues which should be your choice. By giving into her behavior, you may be reinforcing an unhealthy pattern. Then again, I'm sure the dynamic between you and your mom is far more complex than what you could capture within a brief post. Momma-drama can be the worst. :S
((HUGS)) Best of luck.
First you need to tell your FMIL about your first marriage ... she would be more hurt if she finds out later!
Second, you have to get sense of what your family and friends think about the shower idea b/c your other family and friends may not have the same opinion as your mother! My bet is that they don't agree with her!
I'm marrying someone that has been married before and the shower and big wedding has been difficult for him b/c he is feeling bad that people are buying him gifts, again! But he recognizes that this is my first wedding and he is letting me have that experience. You have to allow your hubby-to-be have his wedding experience ... and your mom needs to let him have that experience!
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