Weddingbee boards

Just got off the phone with my BF.  He had called me to say good night.  I told him that I love him but really having a hard time lately with the whole long distance thing.  (Miss him alot on the days I don't see him, etc).  He said something like "Don't worry.  You and DD(my daughter) & I can move over to my new place in 3 or 4 weeks".  (He just bought a new property).  Now, he has always known that I'd strongly prefer to be engaged prior to living together.  Not so much for religious reasons but more just my own personal preference, mostly because I don't want to put my DD in a situation where we're living together like a "family" unless and until we've already made the decision to actually become a family via engagement & marriage.  So, after that comment he made about us moving in with him I said "That sounds great, but we're not engaged yet".  He then said something like "Okay.  We'll well get engaged first then and then have you guys move in with me".  At first, I was SO happy when he said it, and he was being all sweet and loving.  Then, I can't remember exactly what I said next (honestly since I'm tired right now), but then he said something along the lines of how he doesn't really have a choice because he knows I'd rather be engaged before we move in together.  I then told him if you are going to propose, I want you to do it because you're totally in love with me and not just because you feel obligated to.  He then basically said that obviously he has to make a decision soon because he "knows" that if he doesn't propose soon that I won't even be talking to him anymore, and he said he definitely doesn't want that to happen.  I reiterated that I wouldn't want him to propose out of obligation, and he said that no it would be because he loves me, etc.  I told him he didn't sound too happy about it and even sounded a bit resentful, and he told me that everything is fine and that he didn't sound enthused just because he's really tired right now.  I also said that since he said he has a decision to make that now I'm really worried that maybe he'll decide to break up with me instead of proposing, and he was all like "No.  That's not going to happen.  I will propose", but again he didn't sound very happy about it.  Hopefully that was just because he was all tired, but I can't help but worry.

So, now I'm crying and feeling really sad because he made it sound like maybe he actually IS planning on proposing soon, but based on some of the stuff he said I'm kind of worried that if he does propose soon I might worry and wonder did he REALLY want to get engaged and marry me. or did he do it just out of obligation and because he felt that it was "the lesser of two evils" (i.e. not being able to talk to me anymore).  By the way, I NEVER said I would break up with him and/or stop talking to him if he didn't propose really soon, although to be honest I have said stuff before to let him know that I'm really starting to wonder if he's sincere that we're getting engaged soon or if he's maybe just stringing me along until something "better" comes along.

I would be thrilled if he does propose soon, but my excitement of course would be at least somewhat lessened if I feel like I have reason to believe that maybe he asked me before he felt truly ready, etc.

When I talk to him again tomorrow do you guys think I should say anything to him about this?  If so, any suggestions on what to say? 

Oh honey :( don't be so upset... I'm sure you just read into it a little too much, I always overanalyze things my fiance say.. and I still do it. We've been engaged four months, and I still have fights with him and we talk about breaking up (mostly just because I think he deserves someone better,but he always tells me off haha), but I know we never will. 

You are probably both really tired, and I know firsthand that EVERYTHING is more upsetting when I'm tired, and sometimes getting some sleep and talking in the morning can be better. My sweetie and I sometimes just fight more if we're tired, or misread each other.

It sounds like he really does want to propose and marry you, but he wants it to be done right, he may have seemed hesitant because getting engaged is a huge step for people, especially guys. It takes a relationship to a whole new level of commitment, and though we all talk about it casually while dating, once it actually happens it's like "Oh my gosh, I'm actually getting married?!" It's a weird, but amazing feeling and it takes some getting used to.

He may be thinking real serious about it..and when guys think, they aren't very talkative.

honey I'm sure it will all work out.

:::::HUGS:::::

I agree with spraguebride...

He really doesn't have a "choice" as such. Yes, he'd like to live with you but he feels that maybe you've drawn a line saying "No further without a ring" and that's basically that. He's being pragmatic, not romantic.

Look, he loves you and cares enough for you to ask you to share his daily life with you and your daughter. I think if you let go of the fact that maybe the proposal wouldn't be this superbly grand champagne and roses and fireworks affair, then things are gonna be okay. (And who knows? Maybe it might be...)

He's doing things the way you wanted them to be done, and he figures that would make you happy, so he's going to propose if it means you will be a part of world permanently. Let it lie, and don't bring up the subject AT ALL unless he actually comes out and asks your opinion directly. Its obviously a sensitive subject for both of you and you guys should just sleep on it for a while.

Thanks so much for your input everyone.  I'm feeling alot better right now which has alot to do with the advice & input that you guys gave me. 

I've noticed that when my BF & I do argue, it seems 9 times out of 10 it will happen late at night when we're both way overtired.  So, I'm thinking having any sort of even remotely serious talk when it's late at night is probably a recipe for disaster, and we really need to get out of the habit of doing that.  I must admit alot of times these late night conversations will be initiated by me, but sometimes he brings them up too. 

Thanks Rosie Girl.  What you said made alot of sense.  I think you're right that he wouldn't take these big steps with me if he didn't really want to or wasn't truly in love with me, especially because he has a tendency to be pretty stubborn.  No guy likes to be told what to do, but I think that's ESPECIALLY true with my BF.  So if and when he does propose (hopefully WHEN), then I guess I really can feel confident that he actually really wants to marry me and have a family with me.