Post # 1
I need some help gaining perspective on my FMIL issues. I read so many posts on here about truly atrocious women, and my fmil is not that way at all. She’s always very kind to my face, but she’ll make comments here and there that just get under my skin. I also have this lingering feeling that she doesn’t like me, and although I know I’m probably being too sensitive, I can’t quite get over it enough to not let it consume more of my energy than I’d like it to.
We’re getting married in my hometown, which is 10 hours away from FI’s hometown. I know this bothers her and she was vocal in the beginning talking abou thow NO ONE would come, but it’s been 7 months since we got engaged…I wish she would just accept it already and stop making snide comments about my hometown to FI. I just kind of want to scream that this is not an unusal thing, and this is not her wedding. My theory is that her resentment about this issue is one of the things that’s causing her to act weird about other seemingly insignficant details?
I keep trying to think of other things I’ve done that could have offended her: I didn’t invite her to go wedding dress shopping with me, but that’s because I ended up flying to meet my mom and sisters. Was that wrong? I’ve stopped asking her opinion about wedding-related things, but that’s because when I did in the beginning she would always say something vague and then say “whatever your parents decide” (we had a lot of drama in the beginning about who would pay for the wedding — FI and I planned to pay for much of it ourselves, and she had the nerve to tell FI that it was my parents’ responsibility). So I’ve just kind of adopted the philosophy of trying to avoid the subject as much as possible with her, but could that be backfiring?
If anyone has any tips on how to get through the remainder of wedding planning without destroying our relationship, I would love to hear it. Things just seem to be getting more and more strained, and I have no idea why. I so wish I could just call her up and have a heart to heart with her, but that doesn’t work either. She called FI upset about something a few weeks ago, and so I tried emailing her to straighten things out and apologize for any misunderstanding, and she never replied to my email. I’m just kind of at a loss about how to deal with this woman…everything is so vague and unspoken, with just enough subtle dysfunction to be anxiety-inducing.
Post # 3
- Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo
Ugh, she sounds like a pill. But the problem with people like that is that everything is really subtle so it’s not like you can have a straight talk about it or call them out or anything because she can just fall back on ‘oh you must have misunderstood me, I never meant anything of the sort’ or some such. Or maybe she is just speaking off-the-cuff and is just kind of snappy and there’s not a bigger issue, it’s hard to say for sure. Was she like this before you were engaged? Have you talked to your fiance about it? Does he see her comments as normal, weird for her, indicative of something larger or just off-hand remarks that don’t mean anything? He has known her for years so probably has some insight into what she’s thinking or what stuff means, if anything. For the meantime, you’re probably best just ignorning comments like that, because addressing things at all is almost guaranteed to escalate the situation/argument. I’d just wonder what your FI says is normal for her, and is this is get0used-to-it-because-that’s-how-she-is thing or a it’ll-stop-after-the-one-wedding-related-issue-is-done-thing?
Post # 4
Yikes! I’m sorry things feel so strained. I’m definitely not an expert here, but I think your best bet is to lay low for awhile. It doesn’t sound like there is anything specific that you should address with her, and there are any number of reasons why she might sound unhappy. Maybe she has something else going on right now that makes it tough to get up there to see you, or maybe she just doesn’t k ow exactly what her role is. I think it is tough sometimes for MOG to know how much to give their opinion and such. Try not to stress, and enjoy the wedding planning with your mom anf sis. I would make sure you don’t bring this up with FI often, or you put him in an awkward spot. Good luck!!
Post # 5
@soontobeMrsBoo: Oh, I’m so glad you get exactly what I was trying to convey. It absolutely is one of those situations where I can’t even try to talk through it, because she would deny it and use the misunderstood line.
FI is no help. He acknowledges that things are kind of weird, but I don’t think he knows what to make of it – partly because she always acts like a doting mother to him and he hasn’t experienced this kind of weird behavior personally, and partly because he’s a guy and is probably oblivious to how she acts to other people.
@ivoryowl: You’re right that I shouldn’t bring it up with FI. He can’t do anything about it, and it just creates more tension between us. That’s why I’m trying to figure out how to handle it better – it’s so hard to just put things out of your mind 🙂
Post # 6
Your story is similar to a friend of mine – his bride’s family is 7 hours away, and it was an all-out war when it was decided the bride would move to be with him and the wedding would be here. Big, emotional events bring out the very worst in people. By the sounds of your FMIL, though, it sounds like she always had those threads in her. 😀
This woman sounds like a classic passive-aggressive. She’ll gaslight you to the moon – you ‘misunderstood’ her every time she says something inflammatory. She’ll always have an alibi and likely not admit to anything wrong, to say the least. My FMIL and FSIL are somewhat similar, and I’ve learned that keeping my distance is best. In all ways possible. They’ve done nothing for the wedding – and I like it that way.
You likely won’t be able to convince your FI that she’s as awful as she’s been. But maybe you can approach it as, “Your mother treats you differently than she treats me. I was wondering if we could stop talking to her about the wedding. I was hoping you’d volunteer and help change the subject if she starts talking about it.” You need his help with this. Asking him to help change subjects will probably get you further than anything else at this point.
Post # 7
that is so annoying. your FI probably doesn’t notice much because she’s his mom and doesn’t act like that with him. and guys don’t pick up ob subtle cattiness like women.
she probably doesn’t dislike you, maybe she’s just struggling with not being the main woman in your FI’s life anymore. even if you have been together for years, getting married makes it very official. let her simmer and make her snide comments, who cares. enjoy your wedding planning and your wedding. she will just get over it. it’s said so often but it’s so true, weddings bring out different sides in people. you have enough on your plate planning the wedding, try not to let her get to you.