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I don't want to be drilled about my feelings on this, but some of you may already know from comments on others posts regarding the EX-FACTOR.
If not, I am completely against this. I think that the ex should just be a thing of the past and not in our lives. I'm not comfortable with my FI talking with his ex.
How do you feel about it?
I am not a jealous person, not one bit -but there is absolutely no need for ex'es to talk ever, I don't care for what reason. Lines should be cut, period! Thing of the past and there's no need for it.
I voted "other" because while I don't have a problem with the idea, DH's ex HATES me, called me a ton of unpleasant names, tried to get him back, etc. She clearly does not respect me or our relationship, and for that reason, we decided to completely cut her off.
I really don't see a reason to keep exes in your life, unless it was a minor, minor fling or something and you were good friends first. The past should stay in the past, for the most part. I think an occasional e-mail or small talk when you run into each other is okay, but being buddy-buddy is just not appropriate.
I'm okay with the occasional email I guess. Hanging out, without me, no. It's not trust, there's just a level of appropriateness once you get married.
I voted other because I am my FI's first girlfriend, so I don't have this issue to deal with. He, however, does have a problem with it.
I dont see the need to be friends with exes or to keep in touch with them. I would not appreciate DH hanging out with his ex and I dont think hed appreciate me hanging out with mine!
I am 100% ok with it.
I've met FI's ex and we've been to several parties with her. She still hangs out with all FI's high school friends and he still hangs out with them as well.
He's been to parties without me where she is there, and parties with me where she is there.
I know he would never do anything inappropriate and I have no issues with them hanging out.
It would be hypocritical for me to get upset with him about it, sinec I still talk to one of my ex's every 4 months or so.
He just recently got married and we have lengthy phone chats from time to time updating each other on our lives.
FI and I trust each other 100% and we do not make any demands about not seeing/talking to exes.
FI doesn't like his ex, but I am still friends with some of mine. He has no problem with it and I have no problem with him seeing his ex.
I think I would be weirded out by this.
Unless some sort of different circumstance, like they have been friends for a long time after; would be the only reason I could see why an engaged/married person would hang out with an Ex.
I really don't care as I'm friends with a lot of my exs and he is with his. I even broke up with a guy because he had problems with my friendships.
FI and I maintain contact with a few of our exes, and we've both made specific plans recently to catch up with some. We've been traveling for job interviews, so when I went to Boston, I had lunch with my high school boyfriend, and when we were in Philadelphia together, he got coffee with a college girlfriend (who then wanted to meet me afterwards).
Now, if it was a really sour break-up where FI was led on and crushed, and she lived locally, I wouldn't love the idea of him spending lots of time with an ex. But he can absolutely talk to whoever he wants, and so can I. It took him a while to feel comfortable with the idea of marriage, so I know that his proposal meant he was completely 100% committed to this relationship, and he's not gonna ruin it for someone he already knows isn't right for him.
But if it was an amicable break-up, I see no reason why he shouldn't be allowed to talk or occasionally catch up with someone he once dated.
I feel like the option "Absolutely not." should also be followed by "I trust him completely". He has no reason to hang out with any exes, so I would be very surprised. His most recent ex is a crazy b who tried to break into our house... so yea, he would be in some major trouble if he wanted to hang out with her. Exes are in the past, and that's where they should stay. I also don't think it is appropriate to hang out with exes when you are in a commited relationship with someone else.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, so any exes we might have are really very distant and at this point they're just not important enough to be banned from our lives. My husband doesn't like his one semi-significant ex, but when she invited us to have coffee with her we went. If he was home without me and she wanted to meet up, that would be fine, though I doubt he'd want to go.
I have a few exes and they're really great people. We were together when we were young, but we were together for a reason...because they're good people with whom I had quite a bit in common. We broke up because romance was not in the cards for us, but that doesn't mean they stopped being lovely people. I don't see any of them often (really only one with any regularity) but I would absolutely like to see them and catch up if we're both in town. I would bring my husband if he was in town with me, but I would go by myself if not. And he wouldn't have a problem with it.
I think if you still feel strongly enough about your ex to not ever want to see them again, that is sort of problematic (barring a truly traumatic history--abuse, for example. I absolutely understand never wanting to see that person again). My husband's ex is barely a blip on our radar--why would I care if they went for lunch or something to catch up?
Well I can't fault him too much, my ex is one of his GM! We We stayed good friends, all go to university together and so we ALL hang out frequently. That being said I wouldn't hang out with ex alone, nor would I like FI to hang out with his ex alone. But we're adults and he picked me! Now Fi and his ex didn't stay friends as much as my ex and I did but still, I am marrying the man, not her, so if he has a reason to talk to her, or just because he wants to still be friends, It's alright with me. But as someone else said there is a level of approriateness but I think that goes for any engaged/married people with a friend (ex or not) of the opposite gender.
Well, he doesn't have any big important ex's in his life so I don't really have to think about it.
I am still friends wtih an ex. He was a family friend first and will always be a family friend. My husband doesn't mind, he knows that we're just friends now and we've both moved on. I do have another ex that I won't talk to since I'm with my husband. I was with him for 7 1/2 years so it was a very serious relationship. I feel like if I were to talk to him, that would be a problem. But I don't want to so it's not.
Honestly I could care less.. but my FI doesn't have any crazy exes like some of you are describing -- that's awful! If we had a situation like that I probably would have an issue.
But, his exes are all nice girls that it just didn't work out with for whatever reason. I don't care if he talks with them or catches up with them.
There is only one of his ex's that I don't want him to have contact with and he is in agreement with me on her. She is a crazy psycho. The others ones. They are ex's for a reason so I don't care if he hangs out with them or talks to them. He still speaks with his first serious girlfriend but she is married and has 2 kids so I'm not worried.
Totally don't care. I tend to date people that I also want to be friends with and he is the same way. There's a reason we're together and a reason we're not dating any of the people we used to date. For a guy or girl to be insecure about me hanging out with exes is a total dealbreaker.
I guess in my situation it depends on WHICH ex it is. He dated a girl for ONE YEAR in high school and she still hates me. Like, seriously hates me. She still "wants to be his friend" (even though he deleted her on fb and does not contact her at all...totally his decision, even though I was thrilled) and she knows we are getting married in FOUR MONTHS (and we have been together for almost 5 years at this point)...
Then he has an ex who he dated a little before the crazy chick, but she is a very sweet girl and was always in our group of friends before we left for college. She's getting married in July, so we often vent about wedding stuff together. It wouldn't bother me at all if they wanted to go get dinner or catch up when she was in town.
neither hubby nor i have exes that really mattered all that much to us. they're in the past and that's that, they aren't in our lives at all, except like on fb, which isn't an issue for us.
BUT i have 2 really good friends, including our best man, that are exes and in the same social group. it was a really awkward break-up for everyone in the group, but they've just learned to deal with it over time and it's fine. it would have been awful for everyone involved if the bm's newer gf (they've now been together like 3 years) had banned him seeing his ex. there was definitely some drama involved for sure, but nothing all parties involved couldn't just be adult about and move on.
@sarahbearah: oh yes I should have put the "I 100% trust my FI after the absolutely not" my first pole whoopsies, I will fix that when I get Internet access (I'm on my iphone) I agree completely. I also want to edit it so that saying that high school girlfriends didnt Bother me just the most recent girlfriends within the last 5 years or so.
He only has one major ex, they were together for 5 years. They hate eachother though and haven't spoken in 5 years so it's really not an issue for us. But if things were different I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. It has nothing to do with trust, I just wouldn't be comfortable with it.
I 100% thinks it depends on the ex. I think too if there paths cross due to mutual friends, jobs, etc. that is one thing. But if my DH were to seek out an ex and make plans to see her privately it may bother me.
i voted "yes, i trust him completely" but for me it isn't a matter of trust. that's implied in the commitment we've made to each other. to me, it makes absolutely no sense to push people you love out of your life just because a romantic situation didn't work out. sure relationships change, but that doesn't mean they have to end.
luckily, my fiance agrees. we both have exes we've remained friendly with over the years and they've become a part of our life together. we have good taste in the people we let into our lives...obviously ;) so i'm happy to call a few of his exes my friend.
i would worry more if i was with someone who had a dramatic hate-filled ending to every relationship. that throws up red flags for me, in men AND women. being able to call your ex a friend? not so much.
I'd have to echo what MrsGrape said. Unless they're in the VERY distant past (like 10+ years ago) and you were good friends before you ever dated, it's just unnecessary. The fact that I've been cheated on twice with an ex solidifies my stance on the subject. I tried to do the cool, understanding girlfriend thing and it bit me in the ass. Twice. FI has had it happen to him too, so we're on the same page.
Good rule of thumb: if you remember what they look like naked, ya'll don't need to be hanging out. There are billions of people in this world. Find some new friends.
It depends on the ex and how long ago the relationship in question was. I really don't care and if we can all hang out together then everything is cool. I'm not a fan of cutting people out of my life, I think that is weird.
Yes, I agree with mrs grape and lezlers I think that if it was 10+ years ago and they are married with kids and they happen to speak here and there than no problem and it definitely depends on the ex! My FI's ex was seeking sympathy from him regarding her father and hung out with him and some mutual friends when he came to Cali to visit then she was a facebook friend then they were texting each other all the time! She never reached out to me on FB to try to be my friend too so I took it as she was seeking that relationship security through my FI and I just wasn't having it! Get your own man you threw my FI away a few years ago.
I told FI to stop talking to her because it made me uncomfortable and he did and he hasn't spoken with her for over a year and she is in a year.
Yup, I think it depends on the ex.
I've said it before, but we're each friends with our longer-term exes and went to each other's weddings. It's totally cool with me. Some of his other exes he's told me about, I likely wouldn't be very comfortable with him being around just because they seem like shady people. I trust DH with my whole heart though, so if one of them got in touch with him I'd likely think it was funny since he's an old married man now ;) I know he only has eyes for me!
FI only had one major relationship prior to us and he hates her as much as everyone else does that ever met her so he has no contact with her at all. but, I wouldn't be cool with it if he did even though I do trust him 100%. Just seems inappropriate to me.
I think in most situations it depends on the ex. In our situation FI only has one ex and they were friends before they dated (they were only together two weeks). They bumped into each other at the gym a couple times after we started dating and saw each other at school, but I was fine with it. He didn't have feelings for her or anything. I wouldn't like it if he went out for supper or something with her, but casual hanging out is okay.
we are sort of in a different situation.
he has and ex that he dated for 5 years. they were really close, and she became a part of the family. when he met me, he completely seperated himself from her and they stopped talking. however, i have become friends with her.
thanks to the glory of the internet, we have become friends and hang out. he talks to her sometimes, but only because of my friendship with her. so in that context, i am totally okay with them talking and hanging out. we go on double dates with her and her husband ocassionally.
however, if it was just them talking/hanging out without me, then that would be totally weird.
I said I guess so. She is still a part of his group of friends (not close but we see her a couple times a year). At first I was not ok with this, but she has a steady bf and i can see that that are clearly jsut friend so I am ok with it. I know that he has dated other girls but I have only met the one so i dont know how i would feel about them.
I trust him but we both agreed that there will be no contact with ex-es that we have been intimate with. We just aren't comfortable with it. We have both had incidents where the persistent ex has tried to get us back and it was just aggravating. Much easier to just cut them off completely. We have enough friends that we don't need or want to count ex-es in the number =)
I don't have to to worry about this because FI hates the only long term girlfriend that he had before me. She stole money from him and his best friend so he no longer speaks with her.
He no longer even knows where his are so it's not really something I guess I have to deal with, but one of my best friends is MY ex. We were best friends who tried dating, were never intimate, and it was short lasting. The BOTH of us are friends with him now but he trusts us 100% to hang out with out him and so I would trust him as well.
Normally I would not be ok with it, however we both have a child from a previous relationship, so we each have to deal with the other talking to the dreaded Ex. FI's daughter lives in another state also, so not only do i have to deal with it, but I also have to deal with him leaving me to go to another state to visit his daughter frequently at his ex's house. Fortunately, I trust him 100% and I know that nothing is going to happen, otherwise I would not be able to function! This is the only relationship that I've ever been in where I feel that way, and it's really a nice change of pace. But if we didn't have the our kids in the picture, I'd be completely against any contact with exes.
It really does depend on the ex. If any of FI's exes started actively trying to sabotage our relationship, then I would have a problem with it, but I know FI would go ahead and end contact with the offender himself if that happened.
As it is, he just doesn't talk to his exes much, but I'd have no problem with it if he did. I'm still friends with a couple of my exes, in fact FI and I are both friends with my most recent ex and hang out with him and his new girlfriend every so often.
Unless they were a psycho or a cheater or had other traits that are undesirable in a friend, I don't really understand the whole concept of not keeping an ex in your life for the sole reason that they're your ex. What if they're a perfectly lovely person but you just weren't right for each other on more than a platonic level? Why give up a friend just because you happened to date for a while?
I was actually friends with my partners ex (after they broke up & before I knew they had dated or we got together) and she is actually really cool\funny\nice!
However, my partner thinks she is insane, so this isnt really an issue for us, as he has no desire to speak with or hang with her.
When she found out he & I were together things got a little... weird? awkward is probably the best way to describe it. I have no idea what went on between the two of them, and I have no desire to pry, but suffice it to say they dont run in the same circles anymore.
As for my exes, most of them are friends, or on friendly terms and there is no issue speaking or spending time with them. There is one in particular whom I avoid like the plague (he was emotionally abusive and a bit of a prick to my partner when we got together), but otherwise it is a pretty moot point for us. But different strokes for different folks.
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