Post # 1
Hey, so I know a bunch of you can’t stop talking about getting engaged with your SO. I’m curious, how did that start? Did you just start talking about it one day and go all at once? Or did you slowly start talking about it more and more? Did you wait until he/she brought it up and then let the flood gates open?
My SO and I had a timeline talk and it’s still a bit aways. Every once in a while I feel like bringing it* up again, but then don’t. I guess I don’t want to scare him by making him think I want it sooner than we both agreed upon. It’s not that I’m worried about pressuring him, but that every time I want to say something I just wonder, “what’s the point if its not time yet?” And then figure I should hold off until he brings it up. I do remember reading that guys like to know that we’re excited about it, so its ok or even good to talk about it a bit. But how much is a bit and how do I bring it up for that bit?
*it being not our timeline but just wedding/engagement type topics.
Post # 3
He first brought it up (after a couple years of hypothetical wedding/future talking) last summer, and asked “Can I ask you something? Do you want to get married?”
Since then, a lot of friends have become engaged and we’ve attended several weddings. The wedding talk usually stems from that.
Post # 4
I wish I could remember!!! He proposed after we’d dated for 2 months, but it wasn’t a surprise – we knew before that that we were getting married. It’s weird that I don’t remember talking about it though.
Post # 5
Very early into dating, he randomly said, “Do you think we could end up married? I can see that happening.” lol. After we both settled into jobs, it slowly came up more and more until we were actively talking about.
Post # 6
From the beginning we talked about hypotetical, “I want this or that when I get married” (we were late 30’s). Not specifically about the other person, but we needed to know if we were on the same page.
After dating 10 months, I basically told him when my lease was up when we had been dating 1.5 years, we would either be engaged and planning our wedding or broken up and I was buying a condo. At that point I would be almost 40, at 1.5 years, you either know or not. I wasnt going to waste my time. He was kinda shocked and we didnt talk seriously about it for another 2-3 months. He knew it wasn’t an ultimatum, it just was a fact and I was totally okay if he didn’t want to be married. Better to know sooner rather than later.
I think women dance around the topic too much. If a guys loves you and is mature (late 20’s+), he should be ready to at least have the “are we on the same page” conversation. If that scares him off, good riddance!
Post # 7
I suppose it was sort of a gradual thing. He started joking around about it two months in… nothing too serious. But I did tell him that there was a deadline to my relationships… That I was not willing to wait forever to get engaged, nor was I willing to have a forever engagement. I told him that I would wait three years max… and if we didn’t know what we were doing at that point, then there would be no point in continuing. This was mostly said in comparison to other people we would hear about, but he got the message. I also told him that I refused to start planning before I knew it was for sure, so eventually (around the two year mark?) we started having conversations about whether or not he wanted this to happen. I started eyeing wedding magazines in the stores, and watching SYTTD… and eyeing him as well, slowly applying pressure for an answer one way or the other. Eventually, I said “Hey, listen, I’d like to have an August wedding. Weddings take about a year to plan. It’s July now. So if you want to get married, you need to give me the go ahead soon, otherwise we’ll have to put it off another year. So he told me to start planning, and we bought the ring when we had the money.
For me, it’s all about communication and intention. Marriage is something I take seriously, and finding a life long partner was a big priority in my life. I made that intention clear in the beginning… but let things grow on their own past that (I wouldn’t bring it up at all for huge chunks of time). It wasn’t until we were getting closer to our “deadline”, and had been living together for about a year, that I really started to want clarification on it.
Post # 8
We started talking about marriage in broad terms at first after about 6 months of dating (he brought it up) and then sort of loosely started talking about “when we get married”. When we started talking about living together, we decided that engagement had to be imminent before we took that step. Then a few months ago (right before he moved in) we sat down with some wine and marked out a timeline of things we wanted (kids, marriage, etc) and discussed expectations for engagement. He asked if I’d be comfortable helping him pick out the ring, and told me the two months that he’d propose in. I think he’s going to attempt to surprise me though since we are both hyper type-A planners surprises are not our thing.
Post # 9
He brought up getting married a few short weeks after we started dating. Haha. We had been best friends for over 3 years, and we both unspokenly knew we’d get married on the night he asked me out. So it wasn’t strange. So for the 3+ years we’ve been together, marriage/the future has always been a conversation topic. I think that was healthy for us. 🙂
Post # 10
We have talked about getting married ever since we first started dating, and every time he has always brought it up. He would joke in the beginning of the relationship about how he wishes we could just run off and elope and he would always comment on what my new name would be (it’s cute sounding).
Post # 11
My SO bought it up about 4 months into our relationship. If he hadn’t bought it up, I think I would have bought it up after our 1 year anniversary. And I would have just simply asked him where does he see our relationship heading…
Post # 12
@Kat_Kit2000: I used this. I think the main reason he took so long was because he couldn’t get his head around it. I asked questions when things were going good and the mood was calm and positive. I think it really helped him to get cozy with the idea of ‘forever’ as well as how we would operate as a single unit.
I would ask silly questions on car trips like – who would you ask to be your groomsmen? what do you think about khaki suits? where would your dream honeymoon be? do you like super traditional weddings (white silk and candles) or contemporary, casual weddings (outside, BBQ)?
Just silly non-consequential stuff. The groomsmen thing really got him excited…not sure why but we got to have a long conversation each of his friends and why he thinks the 5 he picked were so important to his life.
I also asked things about how many kids does he see us having (without asking for a timeline) – and then we got onto a fun conversation about baby names. I asked him how long he wanted to stay in his current house, would be buy a new car after kids, how would our bills be handled…account wise and percentage wise.
Lastly, I asked questions on some bigger ticket items…he isn’t currently religious but I asked him if he saw it in his future. I asked him what he would do if his mother were to intrude into our lives, I asked him what his goal in life is if he could define it in single way. I also asked him what his biggest fears were when it came to getting married. (Shockers were that he was terrified of getting a divorce and financial issues hurting us).
Post # 13
For us, like many of the people that commented, it was gradual. A good way to get him thinking about it is to talk to his mom or for her to bring it up to him on her own. We had been together just over a year when my SO’s mom tried to give him her engagement ring for me. I think that got him thinking ok, this is the one.
We would go to our friend’s weddings and in the beginning he was mostly there for the party. But you could tell as we went to weddings after we’d been together more than 2 years that his attitude kind of changed. He would comment on things he liked, things he didn’t like, bring up “well when we get married, I’d do this differently…” Conversations stemmed easily from that.
Then after 3 years, I got a lot more serious about wanting to get engaged. Women look at the future and their timeline and where they want to be a lot more than men do, so you almost have to spell it out for him. I told him I want to be engaged at least a year and 27 years old when I’m married. That way there’s a couple years to enjoy eachother before I start feeling the pressure to have kids.
So I told him “by June.” That was last December. In February we started shopping for engagement rings and now I know that he’s working on getting one.
Don’t feel awkward about bringing it up. Like another poster said, I would watch SYTTD and comment on what I liked and didn’t like and that would start the conversation. There are little things you can do.
Also, a little liquid courage never hurts. Have a night at home with dinner and a bottle of wine and just kind of ease into it. Maybe start with talking about how happy you are in the relationship.
Post # 14
We started dating at 20 years old and neither of us wanted to get married that young, but we were serious very early on. We started saying things like “I wanna be with you forever”….stuff like that. Slowly things about marriage were brought up but in hypothetical terms. He was very receptive and we would talk about different locations, amount of people there etc…..I never worried that I would scare him away. I knew this was a sure thing, just didn’t know when.
Last year when we got to our 5 year anniversary, I felt more ready to get specific. I told him that 5 years is a long time and I wanted more than just “some day.” We discussed both of our concerns and he realised how important marriage was to me. See, he always knew we’d get married, but (because he’s a man) he probably would have been happy to wait until our 10 year anniversary to get engaged lol. I obviously had to express my feelings
As a pp said, having some liquid courage is a good thing. My SO was fine talking about marriage stuff as long as I didn’t try chewing out a timeline. I’d say if you wanna talk about wedding stuff than do it! Just go by his response. If he’s obviously turned off by the idea then don’t talk about it as much
Post # 15
@Kat_Kit2000: After dating for 7 months, SO asked me to move across the country with him. I asked him why and he said “I never thought i’d get married, I thought it wasnt going to happen for me. Then i met you and I know I have my best friend”
……and I really bet he regrets ever saying that, because I’ve taken it as an invitation to bring it up for the last 2 years 🙂
Post # 16
Thanks to everyone who replied!
This got a bit long, so here’s the short version – My SO and I are 26 and 23 and I’m still in grad school and in another state. Do you think we should talk about weddings/engagement more often given that we might not actually be able to get married for another few years?
I think I needed to give a little bit more context about my situation, even though I could definitely use many of your suggestions.
I’m 23 (soon to be 24) and my SO recently turned 26. We’ve been together for 3.5 years. I think this is the most serious relationship either of us has been in (the think is for him, as he’s had 2 previous serious girlfriends but I don’t think they ever got to marriage discussions). Last summer we had a timeline talk where we established that we could wait between 1 and 3 years. More recently he’s said that after he gets his own apartment (he currently lives with his parents, as do I) he could see himself getting engaged to me. He’s going to start looking at apartments (and hopefully rent one) in a few months.
The problem that I always have wanting to bring it up again is that I’m in grad school and still have about 3 years to go. Most likely, it’ll be at least 2 years before we can live together (my grad school is in a different state, but we see each other every weekend). So whenever I want to bring it up again I get disappointed and convince myself not to since we’re both still relatively young and won’t be able to physically be together all the time (in the same state) for another few years. So I back down/chicken out.
I wish we had more weddings to go to because that would be an easy way to bring it up. But we were supposed to go to one wedding last fall and that fell through, and the next one likely won’t be until next year.
Do you think it’s still worth it to bring it up and have more frequent discussions? (I’m also not sure how much the bee is affecting my desire to constantly bring it up – I check the site almost on a daily basis and seeing others in more ‘advanced’ stages of their relationships might be making me want to bring it up more than my own relationship warrants. What do you think?
*Edit – my view shows the post all squished together even though I put spaces in between. Sorry if it’s all squished for you.