Weddingbee Boards
In my opinion, it seems like many of the board posts are about wanting to get the most out of your dollar in this economy. It's not that people are getting married just to get married- at least not in my case. We've had a very long engagement, as many women here have had. It's given us time to reflect on the true promise we will make to ourselves and to eachother, but it's also given us time to save money for what we want to be a celebration of love. I dont feel guilty that my parents have offered to contribute to our budget because it's something I know they want to do. My fiance and I have set aside the additional money to meet our own expectations. Which posts have you read that state that budgets are dicouraging? Perhaps you may want to read Miss Meatball's posts, or Miss Powder Puff's posts (among other budget friendly bees)- they are both having budget friendly weddings and are really positive about the whole process.
For one, I know it an old tradition for the brides parents to pay for their daughter's wedding. Many people stick with this and many grooms parents are generous enough to want to contribute themselves. For my fiance and I, we have a small budget, not because we couldn't pay for a more lavish wedding, but whats the point? I personally don't see the need in spending 50K-100K+ for one day. Yes, it is a special day to remember forever, but what is really important here? At the end of that day I get to be married to my best friend. That is what the day is all about, and I don't feel like I have to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to attain that. Some of the most beautiful weddings I have been to have been ones with many DIY projects and a tight budget. With the economy the way it is, I also feel that it is VERY important to have a very large savings account, as well. I hope that answers your question!
We're getting married now because we're in a place where we feel like it's the right time for us. Yes, my parents -- mostly my father -- are paying for the wedding, as I mentioned before; but that's because my family is quite traditional in that way, and my parents want to give us the wedding as a gift. I'm the only daughter, and it's important to them; I think they would be offended if we refused their help. (It's not an extravagant wedding, by the way. It's a small-ish, country wedding, which is exactly what we want.) My fiance and I didn't ask my parents for any money, and we would be getting married without their assistance; we'd just be doing it differently. It's the being married part that's important to us, much more than the wedding. So that's why we're getting married now.
Thanks for your replies ladies!
My FIL's and I had a conversation about why we felt like we wanted to get married when we had just bought a place together and were now settling in to jobs and having a dog etc. Their point was why did we need to spend money getting married when we were already living life like married people? I understand their point and actually find myself agreeing with them more and more.
There was an article on a site I read recently that said that in a poll, 57% of engaged couples were paying for their own wedding and 27% were paying for the majority of their wedding with a little help from parents.
I have had a long engagement so that we would be able to save the money ourselves, but neither of us has ever felt like a wedding was something important that we HAD to do for ourselves. So now we're on the fence about it, even though we have waited all this time so that we didn't have to ask anyone for help. We could have a pretty great savings account, buy an investment property, take a vacation and do some work around the house if we didn't have the wedding.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm just trying to think it all through.
We are doing the wedding on our own. My FI's parents have the funds to help us, but mine don't and I don't think it's fair to ask for money from one side of the family and not the other. Also, this is a thing about US not THEM and I feel like it's more special if it's made possible by our hard earned savings and planning. (I totally respect those of you who can get help from parents/family though.)
And the reason why we are getting married is because 1)we both want kids soon and I want to get married prior to having kids and 2)I live and work illegally in Spain and after nearly 5 years of living here and being with my FI we've decided to finally work on getting married. In the end we'll be doing it in the summer of '10 because we plain and simply cannot afford to get married befor then and we don't want to rush a wedding that we in the end aren't satisfied with.
Let me just say, I appreciate your honesty girls and look forward to hearing why others are getting married.
We're getting married now, on a very small budget, because we love each other, and have been waiting for years to get married. We want to be each other's husband and wife. Like someone above said, the time is right for us. We can't afford much, but we are going to love our wedding because it will be unique to us, what we want, and we will be happy. There will be no wishing we had waited longer so that it might've been more lavish, we don't want more lavish. There won't be any wishing we hadn't spent our small savings instead of investing it, we won't be out that much and we'll start a small savings again. Yes the economy is bad, yes times are hard. But our wedding ultimately isn't about how much it costs, it is about our marriage, and its going to be spectacular and not frustrating or discouraging at all. I mean, I guess he proposed and I said yes because we know we can make it work and have a wonderful wedding no matter our financial situation.
We're getting married now because we want to make the committment to each other. We're starting a new stage of life (grad school and career) and want to commit to doing it together, despite all of the changes that will probably occur. When we say our vows in front of our friends and family we know that we're in it together forever, there's more weight behind it than there would be if we just told each other that we were living together.
You can be married without spending hardly any money if you'd rather spend it on a vacation. Nothing says you have to have an extravagant wedding. But whatever you do, make sure you talk it over seriously with your fiance.
We are getting married next year because we've been together forever, will have been engaged for 2 years and it's time. We've waited so I could graduate from grad school and so he could get the stable job he desired. We now own property and are in a better financial position to take on marriage and family.
With all of that said, we are fortunate enough to have parents that want to contribute to our wedding. Honestly, I don't feel guilty about it at all. If they didn't want to contribute or simply couldn't contribute, we'd do a low budget wedding or go to Vegas and get married for $200. It has never been about the actual "wedding" per say. And furthermore, our wedding planning has become somewhat of a family affair. A number of the details (guest list, venue, etc.) are decisions that are being made in conjunction with the parents. (A process that has caused some conflict/compromise/etc.) But, my FI and I have learned to be okay with it, because after all, the parents are helping us financially. We are still on a budget with the wedding and we (as a couple) are also contributing. It's worth it to us and our families, because we all feel like we've waited and deserve this day!
When I was 17 my parents told me that when I got engaged they would give me $10K to spend on a downpayment for a house or a wedding, this was back in 1991. Well, when I finally got engaged at 34, my FI and I already owned a condo, and the $10K really would not put a dent in a downpayment for a house in California. So, we decided to use it towards our wedding.
Many of us that used this site (and others) used it to plan a wedding on a budget -- not because we can not afford to get married, but because we do not want to go broke doing it. Because of all of the useful information I found here (and other places) my husband and I got married in August with zero debt -- not one dime of the wedding went on our credit cards. We used the money my parents gave us and money we saved to pay for it.
My husbands grandfather also contributed to the wedding -- because he wanted to -- it made him feel good to be a part of it, not because we needed the money.
I would like to thank all of the bees for their wonderful advice and inspiration in the planning of my debt-free wedding!
we didn't want to wait, bc we will be 29 & 31 and want to start "trying" to get pregnant about 9 mos after the wedding...when I graduate with my pt time masters...want some time to enjoy just being married...
even though the economy is tough, we are actually in better shape than we've ever been before & are purposely keeping our budget 1/2 of our area's average, even though my parents are giving some $ and we make pretty good $ for our age...it's more a matter of beliefs and our personalities
I find it interesting (and more than a little odd) that your FILs seemingly don't want you married to their son? You said that they are asking you "Why get married?" Are they against marrriage in some way, or just not interested in seeing you marry their son? And it is really interesting that their question seemingly is making you question your decision.
My parents, and my MIL (FIL passed away before we got engaged) were thrilled when we told them we were getting married. By which we did not mean that we were having a big, expensive wedding, or that we expected anyone to fork over money towards anything. We intended to have a very small ceremony, immediate family and close friends only - because for us the point was just to be married. We did end up having a larger celebration, mostly because my parents really, really wanted to share the event with extended family and some of their friends. But we spent only what we decided was reasonable, and are very happy with how it worked out.
If you think that the money would be better spent on other things, then you don't have to have a "wedding" to get married. You can go down to the courthouse, or have a small church ceremony, and have a nice open-house type reception, or just take a few friends and family to dinner.
If the issue is really that you are perfectly happy living together without a formal commitment, there is also nothing wrong with that. But living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed isn't really like being married in a number of very important ways. If you don't think that's true, wonder what it would feel like to have to ask his mother if you could visit him in the hospital if he was in a car accident, or had just had emergency surgery. Or whether he would be able to put you on his insurance policy if you lost your job... There are a whole list of benefits to the legal institution. Although honestly, for us, we got married because we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and we wanted to make that commitment in front of our family and friends.
Okay, I've been married for years but wanted to respond anyway.
IMO "now" is a good time for any couple to marry if you've found that special person that you love, can sacrifice for and commit the rest of your life to.
Tomorrow isn't promised so why wait? Getting married is cheap- less than $100 in GA. Weddings are an Expensive, optional event. If the point is to have a wedding, than save for years and have the wedding of your dreams. If the point is to be married, then get married.
If you don't feel there is a difference between living together and being married, then it sounds like you do need to think about what you really want before getting married. Personally, I feel there is a huge difference and that is driven by my faith. But that's a different discussion.
Suzanno has already listed the civic/legal reasons. But being bf/gf for 5 years, and now married for 8 years, there is such a big difference emotionally even though we were in love (obviously before marrying). Our needs & wants changed dramatically. Even what we feel is our purpose in life.
I charge more for my services than my entire wedding budget was when I got married. I would have loved to have a more extravegant wedding than I did, but it was not important enough to make me wait (we had a 6 month engagement and got married in the month between my graduating college & going active duty air force). There's always renewal of vows.
I have the money to pay for our wedding myself, but I don't want to spend that money on a wedding, I'm saving that money for a house. My mom has $15000 left over from my college money I can use in any way I want, so that's going towards my wedding plus an extra $5000 because my dad has a frickin' huge family and apparently we have to invite all the people I don't even know.
Personally, I think it's waaaay too much money to spend on one day, but the way the wedding industry is, it's really hard to have an inexpensive wedding if you want all 200 of your family members there.
We got married because even though we could "live like married people" and not be married, it was important for our committment to be recognized and supported by others.
A marriage in my opinion, is making you accountable to yourself and others for that relationship and letting others know how much you care for each other and want to be together and work together toward common goals.
Plus if you're not married you dont get the civil benefits of being part of a marriage, so if you do plan to be together, why not take advantage and be able to add each other to insurance policies, be able to get information when/if they are hospitalized... etc... There also doesn't have to be a BIG WHITE WEDDING for there to be a marriage. The only money you have to spend is the money for the license/the judge.
I am sure that you are tired of the responses but I have asked myself this and so have many of my friends.
We both agree that we will not live together until we are married so that means that I rent my home and he rents his and we are both paying everythign that comes along with those homes (gas, electric, water, etc.) and if we sit down and look at it we have $3000 in just our living expenses which could be taken down by at least a grand a month once we are living together as husband and wife.
We both work together so once we are married, we will only really require one car unless one of us comes in early and so we will save money on ware and tear on our car and gas and to top that all off we will be helping the environment.
My family is against our marriage due to his skin color so they won't be paying for any part of it and as I am a single mother of a 12-year-old in private school in Orange County, I don't have any "spare" money so this means he will be paying for all of it. And as I am not one to feel comfortable spending other people's money, the whole thing will be costing us less then $5000. I'd like it to be $2500 but we are planning on getting married at USC and the facility is $1200 and try as I might, I can't get everything I want for $1800 - but you know I will try.
We only have extreemly close friends and maybe a few extended family members coming and everyone has offered to help us and I think that will be part of the fun and memories.
So yes, it is a crazy time and no, we don't have "spare" money to just spend on a day. But I've been married before and we did the quick wedding so that we could save money and we were going to have the big day at 5 years; well, it ended before that, and while I'm thankful that we didn't spend money we didn't have on a wedding for a marriage that didn't even last 5 years, I want to have that for this marriage as I know that it will last.
Everyone has a different budget and ideas for their perfect day. I just happen to be a penny pincher so I plan on having everythign for not that much money!
I hear ya! I was on the fence about how to do it all myself for a long time. My future husband and I have been engaged and living together 4 years. At first we were saving up - didn't want to be a burden to anyone. My parents, however, inisisted they contribute something. They said that the money could be used for something else - buying a house, say. So we sat on their potential contribution for a few years, while we thought about it. In that time, we both went back to grad school and used all our savings buying tuna and mac+cheese to live off of. I gradute in a month (well, if I pass, wish me luck) and he a few months later - but we are both pennyless. We decided (my parents and him and I - all together in a big meeting) that we had been living together too long, that we all wanted a party, and that buying a house like that was in our future - but not close enough. So we are using my parents money, going to try to start saving on our own for a house, and are going to celebrate cheaply but with as much style as possible. Hence I scour the weddingbee daily for ideas :-)
We're getting married because we can't wait to start life together ( in the socially observed way). I'm getting married allot younger then I thought I would. My parents are helping pay for the wedding ALLOT , but my dad says he's due for a good party , and I make a nice excuse
. I find it strange to break the bank on a wedding , but am glad to get the most out of the budget we have.
I completely feel where you're coming from. I can nowhere near afford that wedding I've dreamed off, I'm not expecting family contributions nor will I be asking for them, this is my day, my choice and no one should have to break the bank for it...so why now? Becuase I love him, because the moment I met him I wished I'd known him my whole life... and becuase I've realized as long as it's with him it's still my dream wedding, just slightly altered
We got married now because we both just finished college and commited to the Air Force. To stay together, we need to be married (not to mention we love eachother, and all the other reasons listed above- except the kid part. No kids for a long time) Honestly, I would have prefered to have waited another year or three so I didn't have to rush planning (my dress was beautiful, but I saw a red gown in neiman's the other day which would have been oh so cool :)
My parents were nice enough to pay for our wedding. It was a 10,000 dollar event for 120 people. We cut out a lot of the traditional aspects (i.e. we got married on the dancefloor of our reception tent by the mayor of the city)- but overall, it was great. I did my own flowers, invitations, favors, everything.
I hate how people feel the need to pick apart others responses on these boards. :(
For us, we are waiting until we are in a better situation financially. Summer 2010 I will have a full time decent paying job (and have had it for a year) instead of being a broke grad student.
However, for many people, being poor isn't a temporary thing. They are never necessarily going to have more money or at least not in the forseeable future. A weeding doesn't have to be a multithousand dollar affair if you don't want it to be. And you can still thow a decent party for several thousand dollars, not tens of thousands of dollars. People get married when they are in love and have decided that they want to make the affair a permanent thing. Then you make do with what you have.
I think for many people waiting to get married until they are in a financial situation to pay for it themselves could mean a loonnng wait. My fiance and I live together already, but he is a student and I only make 30k a year- I plan to return to school when he finishes. We got pregnant and had a miscarriage last year and it made us realize how much we want to have children- together- and how important it is to us that we be married before that happens. Even once he finishes his PhD it could be a while before he is making enough money for us to pay for a wedding ourselves, and my parents have always said they would pay for our dream wedding, to the point that I think they might be hurt if we didn't allow them that.
So don't judge, everyone has different situations. It's not like I'm forcing my parents to pay for our wedding- they just want to do it.
I assume for a lot of people, it's about a marriage and not the party. I wouldn't want to put off marrying the man I love just because we couldn't have the lavish wedding we dreamed of. 
I agree with loveletter. I don't want to spend a ton of money on a wedding. It really is just a party and I want it to be special, but it is more about my FI and I than lavish decor or gourmet food. Plus, I enjoy doing things myself and take pride in being able to say that I did all my flowers, only spent $600 on a designer gown at a charity sale, and had our wedding at a beautiful outdoor location for free. I admit I did spend more money than I wanted to on photography, but the pictures and memories are the only things from that day that will last.
One more thing: if you wait until your have enough money to do anything in your life (wedding, having a baby, traveling, etc) you will never do it. People never have "enough" money, so live in the moment and do what feels right.
My fiance and I live in NY. We have been a couple for less than 2 years, and we fell in love very quickly and knew we wanted to be married to each other. Our engagement will last approximately 1 year. When we planned our wedding we decided on a budget of about $35K, which at the time seemed reasonable for us plus $10k for 3 weeks in Italy. Approximately 250 people for a wedding in NY. I make $40K a year and he makes 3 times that before bonuses (Wall Street). We are even in the process of buying a house, we put the deposit down in September and are hoping to close in the next two weeks. All in all we were living within our means and still are, but the down turn in the economy is scary for us both. He works on Wall Street and I work in marketing, credit card marketing. If either of us were to lose our jobs it would be a bad situation. My parents have offered to pay for up to $2K of my wedding dress, and $3K cash, not including their guests various cousins, friends, etc which will amount to about 20 people above the 250 my fh and I are inviting. They are doing it cause they want to. I am starting to wish we reigned it in a bit. All in all, I would not want to delay my day because of the economy but if I had had a crystal ball I would have scaled back a lot.
For my FI and I we are getting married now because we are ready to take the next step in our relationship legally and spiritually. We actually are in a great financial position to pay for the wedding in its entirety without debt; however my parents have graciously offered to pay. They have elected to do so on their own freewill and do it "because they can".
Needless to say we are both frugal (which is why we are in a great financial situation) and this ultimately lends ourselves to a budget friendly wedding, because we know that a lavish and fantastic party can be had without going in debt.
Not to speak for the other girls, but I think you find that they are trying to get the most bang for their buck in this economy, which I believe is very practical.
Ultiamtely, I think the time to marry is when you and your FI are ready emotionally to do so, a marriage can occur on any type of budget.
We got married when we did because we were ready to make a lifelong commitment to one another. Graciously my parents offered to pay for the wedding---from their point of view there was never any alternative; they wanted to. I kept trying to pay for things myself and my mom wouldn't hear of it.
If they hadn't offered, we would have had a much smaller and more bare-bones wedding now and then maybe saved up for a bigger party with vow renewal a few years down the road, versus waiting a few years to get married with a big party too. The emphasis for us was on the getting married, not the party.
Wow, thanks for all the comments!
I admit that I was a little put off by the poster who thinks that my FMIL may be trying to keep me from getting married to FI. I left out a lot of personal details in my original post because they didn't have a lot to do with what I was asking, but for what it's worth, my FI have been together for 10 years and I am very much a part of his family and have felt loved by them from the beginning of our relationship. So, no. That's not it.
In my situation, there are cultural aspects that would put my wedding way beyond my budget due to the number of people that we would need to invite. By "need", I mean friends of parents, grandparents, friends of friends etc. It may seem selfish, but if I am paying for the entire wedding myself, I don't want to have to invite an extra 100 people that I have never met. To me a wedding should be personal and happy and spent with only the people that I know and love. Not a bunch of people to fill the seats, eat the food and then leave. For this reason, I do not want to ask for money and do not want money offered for the wedding because I know what would be expected.
If anyone is interested, we have decided to forego the wedding that we had been planning and have a small ceremony and dinner with 10-15 family and friends. It's much more us.
Best wishes to all of your planning your day! I hope that it is everything that you hoped for.
We got engaged in 7/07 and are getting married in 06/09. My parents are paying for a generous portion, but I wanted some extras so we decided to wait to get married until we could pay for it all in full. While I am excited to have no debt afterward, I do wish we were already married (we are also waiting to move in together)! I think the right time to get married is when you have found the one you can not live without:) I love what others said about tomorrow not being promised and about the most beautiful part of weddings being the love, not the extras:)
We'll be marrying in 2009 andprobably only have a 6 mo engagement at best..he does know I am a planner by nature, and do want things well.
While just waiting now for the ring (any day now), I did most of the planning already and am PLANNED OUT. I know exactly what I want pretty much, we just have to iron out some easy stuff when the push comes to shove.
A long engagement isn't what either of us want. We're both financially established, and I am a mother of a 10 yo from my prior marriage. That being said, I am also wise with $$. We could afford what we want, but we will also be very realistic too.
And if it got to be too much stress, we'd elope.
If that happens, Royal Hideaway or Round Hill has my vote!
I think that it's only ONE day out of your life. What is more important? One day or one lifetime together?
Iam in my 30s and he just turned 40. We are traditional in that we believe marriage comes before kids. Since we aren't getting any younger we don't want to wait too long to start trying. It may take a few years before we get pregnant. My MOH tried for several years before she finally got pregnant. The longer we wait the higher the chance for complications. As it is our engagement is only 20 days short of 2 years.
@ loveletter: Brava! You took the words outta my mouth.
@ curiosity: I'm sorry that some peeps questioned the way your future in-laws feel about you marrying their son. It's certainly a very practical question for your FMIL to ask, particularly if she has nontraditional views on marriage.
I skimmed the comments and I haven't seen many posters like me, so I'll go ahead and share my situation: I left my job last June to move with my fiance to Chicago so that he could start law school. With the down economy, I can NOT find another job. So we're both living off of his student loans. We're definitely not in a position to be throwing ourselves a wedding (even a modest one!)
However, we're very blessed to have families who can pay for our wedding. Yes, it's been a headache to have my parents in on the planning, and yes, there are times when I wish I could be planning this wedding five years from now when we'll both have enough money, but I can't imagine waiting to become his wife. In the end, it might not be the smartest decision to spend money on a wedding, but we're keeping it reasonable (under 20k) and dammit, I want to be a princess for a day! There! I said it! Okay, I'm kidding (a little bit) - I really just want to have a day where everyone we love is there to see us commit to each other forever. There's no way that I can justify that urge without sounding like a product of the wedding industry, but that's how I feel and I'm lucky to be able to go for it. Even if sometimes I want to rob a bank so that my parents will get off my back about where I'm spending the wedding money.
we won't live together until after we're married... sooooo... there's no way we want to wait until we can afford to blow $30000 on an event to start our lives together. therefore, cheap but sweet reception now = lifetime of bliss.
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I wanted to start by saying that I don't want anyone to think that I'm being judgemental or snarky in any way, but I am honestly curious to know why many brides (and grooms) have chosen to get married when you're not in a position to pay for the wedding or honeymoon or are worried that your budget won't live up to the wedding that you have envisioned?
I am engaged as well and have been reading these boards as well as other sites and have seen many posts about couples who are getting married but are having family members pay for the wedding, or have a very small budget and are discouraged. So my question is, do many of you feel that you simply must get married right away and cannot wait until you have some money saved up to pay for the wedding (or most of it) yourselves? It seems like so many couples are relying on family to contribute, but feel slightly guilty about it. I just thought I would ask....