Post # 1
Dear fellow bees,
My in-laws and parents both made a guest list in April for our August wedding, which my parents are generously paying for. Both sets of parents had relatively small, yet equal, guest lists. My dad asked if it would be ok if he invited a few of his business friends (who my fiance and I both know.) Of course I said yes… these people are fun!
To make a long story short, my FMIL’s list is much larger than the one she gave me in April and she expects 95 percent of her guests to show up. After asking her to have her guest list ready for sunday, she then says our of the blue no one can be taken off because they were all invited to a bridal shower (that I was totally opposed to, and was a DISASTER).
What do I do?
My fiance and I were thinking about comparing her list to the bridal shower and taking off the people we absolutley do not know (same for my parents). His parents offered to pay for the extra guests, then gave us a guilt trip about things being tight for them? Anyone else in this position?
Post # 3
I was/am. My FI’s family is just way bigger than mine. Unfortunately, my parents are footing the bill for the entire thing. My mom CONSTANTLY bitches about how unfair it is that FI’s family gets to invite so many more people and she’s paying for it. I wish I would’ve put my foot down with my FMIL. Most of the people are people who "need" to be invited (family) and won’t actually show up (it’s a "destination" wedding), but I still should have said no.
I’d tell her that you’re sticking with her original list for the wedding and then invite her to have a party on her own after the wedding is over for those who didn’t make the cut (that way people who are invited to the shower are still invited to something). It should be her party to throw — she’s the one who made the mistake, not you guys.
Post # 4
I agree with Rebecca…just let her know that she has X number of people (make it at or a bit below your parents) and she is more than welcome to have a party AFTER the wedding for the rest of her guests. Don’t let her strong arm you into something because she was in bad form by inviting them to a shower.
Post # 5
If they were invited to the shower, etiquette says it would be very rude to not be invited to the actual wedding. I would be upset as a guest if I got cut. But, just to be sure, make sure the people she put on this list are actually the same people she invited to the shower.
Post # 6
Have your FI take his parents money in advance…if they offer to pay…LET THEM PAY…don’t feel bad if they guilt trip you…if money is sooo tight they shouldn’t invite more people than they could afford!
P.S. LET YOUR FI HANDLE HIS PARENTS, you don’t say a peep.
Post # 7
I 100% agree with V. If your FMIL wants to invite more guests than you originally agreed to, then they should pay for those extra guests.
Post # 8
Traditionally people invited to the shower are also invited to the wedding. However, if that’s not possible or reasonable, inviting them to the reception is just fine. So it’s perfectly okay for you to tell your FMIL that you’re going with the original guest list, which is what you can afford and had planned on. And given that it is traditional for shower guests to be invited to a reception, it would be fine with you if she wants to host an additional cocktail or open-house type reception for the friends and family that she invited to the shower who were not on the original wedding guest list. And I agree with V – you don’t have to be the bad guy here. It should be your FI, or you and he together, who have the discussion with FMIL – not you alone.
And I wouldn’t worry too much about the etiquette issues. They are her friends and family – she threw the shower, and invited people she ought not to have. It’s not your job to make up for her breach of etiquette. If she elects not to throw an additional reception, and you ever hear a word about it, just explain politely that the guest list for the wedding was already set when the shower was thrown, and while you felt bad about it, you didn’t have any input into the guest list for the shower, and really couldn’t change the guest list for the wedding at that point in time.
Post # 9
Thanks everyone… the issue isn’t really the money. My parents are glad to accomodate more guests… it’s space (plus I REALLY wanted to work within my budget, it’s a pride thing).