(Closed) Cyber cheating? *Long, may not make sense*

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He only didn’t do anything worse because he hasn’t had the chance to yet.

Only you can decide if this is something you can move past. I personally couldn’t. Trust is paramount to me and it takes a long time to build and only a second to destroy. I couldn’t trust my DH again if he did this to me. I’ve been in relationships where I discovered “cyber cheating” but at the end of the day, that IS cheateing (and he ended up to be physically cheating as well).

Follow your gut. Not your head, not your heart, your gut.  It will NEVER steer you wrong.

Post # 4
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mrsmay07:   I am so, so very sorry you’re hurting and having to go through this.  What he did was cheat on you, emotionally, and would have physically if he’d had the chance.

Did you have any red flags, other than his suddenly keeping his phone locked?  Were you two getting along ok lately?  Did you have any marriage issues?  If so, maybe that was his reason/excuse.  Either way, you need to get to the bottom of why he did what he did.  Obviously he knows what he did was extremely wrong and hurtful to you.  He risked losing his marriage over something as stupid as that.

If you want to save your marriage, and it sounds like you do, I would make an appointment with a counselor for both of you together.  You can’t let this go, it’s just too serious. 

Honestly, if I were in your shoes I would probably be seriously contemplating ending the relationship.  I’m not at all saying that’s what you should do, but I just don’t think I could personally handle something that severe.  I hope you can get past this pain and shock and get some help for your marriage.

((HUGS))   I wish you all the best.

Post # 5
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly I would be far less worried about him flirting or carrying on online than his feelings of being trapped, hating being married, and so forth.  Perhaps it would be better to focus on why he feels this way before worrying about what happens in the future.  

Post # 6
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would be extremely upset if I found something like this. I would recommend some type of couples therapy? I don’t think something like this would be easy for you to get over. He has to rebuild your trust, and you need to find out what in this marriage isn’t working for him and work through things together. I definitely do think things would have escalated if they met up in person like they planned. You first have to ask yourself how commited you are to working things out.

I hope the two of you can work things out.

Post # 7
Member
3760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Getting back to trusting someone after situations like this is not easy, however, you’re married. I do believe in making an effort to figure out why this happened and how it can be prevented in the future and seeing if you can build back the trust and make your marriage work. I’m not saying you’ll be able to, but I think it’s important to at least try. I’m so sorry you are going through this. 

Post # 8
Member
9693 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@mrsmay07:  I am so sorry this happened 🙁 I believe that emotional cheating is just as detrimental to a relationship as physical cheating. Both are a breach of trust and require a level of connection and intimacy that you should only have with your partner. I think he is only sorry he got caught, and if you don’t have trust and communication, it will be challenging to have a successful relationship.

It is also troubling that he is engaging in this behaviour with an ex where there is a history of intimacy. It wasn’t with a stranger online to engage in a fantasy (which is still problematic). He was doing it with someone who it would easy enough to take it to the next level with. I don’t like secrets in relationships, and FI and I don’t have passwords on any of our devices. We don’t consider it snooping, just being totally open. I use his phone all the time without a second thought…and you should be able to as well.

The rest of your life is a long time to be unhappy and live with doubts :-

Post # 9
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Honey Lake Plantation

I would say that couples couseling would not be a bad idea.

Stess is a fact of life and we all have fleeting moments of wouldn’t-it-be-nice-to-run-away or grass-is-greener syndrome, but there’s a big difference between thinking something and acting upon it. And there’s a lot to be said for what people do/say when they are drunk or tired. When the filters come off, the true self comes out.

Talking through the issues is the only way to get clear of them.

Post # 10
Member
680 posts
Busy bee

So sorry to hear this. *hugs* 

The most troubling part of your post for me is where you say he may feel justified in what he did, that he didn’t do anything physical so therefore he didn’t cheat, despite what you saw in the chat history. Have you two ever had any problems like this before with cheating and other inappropriate relationships?

His very “whatever” attitude about this that you describe would piss me off enough to leave. His texting with the ex may be the tip of the iceberg, and any evidence of anything else I’m sure has been deleted by now. 

Whatever you choose to do, be sure to take care of you. Tell a trusted and close friend or family member what’s going on so that you have someone to talk to as you figure things out. If you are having any doubts about his honesty about what really was going on with his ex or other women, go get yourself tested for STDs just as a precaution.  

Post # 11
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@fishbone:  +1  Obviously his behavior is very wrong and cannot be excused by his unhappiness in your marriage.  But at this point, OP, I would try to sort out what’s going on in your marriage for him to even say that he feels trapped.  You don’t just say that casually and if anything, if those feelings are true, he should have come to you first to talk about them.  Even though he’s denying it, I think there is some truth to how he’s feeling about your marriage for him to be engaging inappropriately with his ex.

Post # 13
Member
11228 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

His actions are completely indefensible. He is without excuse. He was entirely wrong. And he needs to shut it down NOW, and permanently.  End of story for THAT situation.

Now, that I’ve said that, it’s important to identify and address his reasons (not excuses) for having done what he did and for both of you to take measures to affair-proof your marriage.

I believe you can  move past this, but it’s going to take time, it’s going to take work, it’s going to take forgiveness, and it’s going to require accountability.

If you are actively involved in practicing a faith, I suggest that you begin by talking with a trusted leader from your place of worship.  If you’re not, I would begin by finding a well-respected, licensed, trained counselor who can help to guide you through the process of identifying issues and resolving them and rebuilding your relationship on a solid foundation.

There are some wonderful resources available. I am a strong Christian and am married to a senior pastor, so almost all of the resources that I would recommend are faith based. However, they still would work well for people who do not consider themselves to practice a faith.  Please do not hestitate to PM me if you’d ever like to “talk” more about this.

Post # 14
Member
1033 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mrsmay07:  

I am so so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can’t imagine the sickening feeling in your stomach. :-/

At the end of the day, its your relationship and no one can tell you what to do or what is right. Personally, these points you made spoke out the most to me (not that the other ones werent just as valid!)

“-it ended when he was caught, he didn’t stop it on his own.

-he complained about me, about his life, said he didn’t want to be married

-risked my feelings, and our marriage, just for some stupid text flirting.

-put her above me (they had a onversation about hiding them from me, they laughed about it)”

These all speak not just of “cyber” cheating, but really it’s “emotional cheating.” And that is the basis of trust, the basis of all your faith that you have for that person. Phsycial cheating, (not that im condoning that!) sometimes almost hurts less, because  it doesn’t shatter the emotional foundation of your relationship and who you funadmentally are together. The fact that he is using his lack of physical cheating as an excuse is pathetic and almost just as bad as the cheating behaviour – because he is now taking your feelings and trying to undermine them and you. He can’t force you into forgiving him by making you feel guilty for your feelings or by saying “it could have been worse.” That is horribly unfair.

With all this said, i know you must feel so torn and it such a complex situation. Please help yourself and go get counseling – at least so you feel like you have someone to walk beside you during all this. And if you decide you want to try and fix your marriage then the two of you can seek out couples counseling together. That way, you can both explain how you are feeling, fairly and with an objective mediator. If you’re going to fix this, it’s important that you feel truly heard and listened too. Don’t let yourself be guilted into it or do it just for your children. Counseling may seem like a scary move, but it is certainly one of the bravest ones (whether for yourself, or both of you).

I’m sure you are an amazing beautiful and strong indivudual, so whichever way you choose to move forward, just remember that showing those traits to your children are more important than anything else and those an incredible values to give to them. 🙂 

Stay strong and love yourself.  xo

Post # 15
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

@mrsmay07:  Oh man… what a mess.

I’m actually in your husband’s shoes.  My marriage is going through some really rough patches right now, and one of my guy friends at work started to become… more.  For a few months, everything was 100% above board, but then I started to have feelings for him, and he admitted he had feelings for me.  I started to say things about being really unhappy in my marriage, that things were really rough, that I wished I wasn’t married anymore, because things would be SO MUCH EASIER. 

Of course, then I realized that this was inappropriate and wrong, no matter how much I was frustrated with my marriage, and we agreed to stop talking to each other except in a professional setting.

Anyway, if your husband told this woman things like this, things about being unhappy, being trapped, you should believe him 100%.  If he wasn’t unhappy, he would never say things like that. 

So definitely keep that in mind while you think about what to do.  Your husband clearly crossed a line, especially when he made comments about her body, even more so when he planned to meet up with her.  Definitely get counseling, and try to get to the bottom of why your husband is unhappy.  Maybe it’s fixable, maybe not. 

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