Post # 1
I’ve read where people tell me you go through cycles in relationships. I love my BF we have been together 4 years and I love spending time with him and he makes me happy when no one else in the world can. I’ve just lately been feeling a funk lately. Like normally I’ve so excited for him to come home from work, or when I wake up next to him I get all butterfly feeling. Well I have been waiting for him to propose and he said that once he had a job and saved up he was planning on it. Well we are in college so he has a low paying job and he takes me out sometimes and spends that money on me along with buying himself some things and I know he has nothing saved,(This is his first job and he works till 1 am and he is so excited when he gets paid so I feel like a bitch reminding him of his saving goal) . But anyways I have been down lately, College has just got the best of me but summer is in 3 weeks so I will have some relief finally!!! Anyways, we went to his aunts wedding this weekend and while he was taking pictures I was holding his phone(we don’t care if each other reads and responds to messages for each other) well he had told his friend he was going to spend 100+ dollars this weekend on things for a party we are having this weekend with some friends. I got super angry reading this for some reason, I had recently not been as excited to get engaged as I had been the previous months, but this all the sudden made me mad, and I think what might be causing my weird emotions toward him is the fact that deep down I am mad/hurt he isn’t saving his money for the ring for me. I don’t know for sure, all I know is when I read that message, I was not a happy camper at all and I stayed mad for an hour or so. Do yall think this could be causing my odd feelings? ALso we have been together for 4 years, broke up for a month about a year ago, couldn’t stand it and got back together happier than ever. Well they say the honeymoon phase fades and I also think that even though we have been together so long the breaking up and getting back together giddyness might just now be wearing off. I have experienced this weird feeling about 2 years ago and I have read where people say it’s part of love cycles and that it’s normal in a long relationship when two people are in love. I know you can’t be lovy dovy all the time! I just wanted to know if this sounds normal, and if anyone has experienced this or has some POSITIVE advice 🙂 I do love him very much and I know this in my heart, I’m just ready to shake this funk feeling and get back to the really happy lovy feeling soon:)
Post # 3
not sure what the BEST advice would be, but i would bring it up again. (but i’m forward) i would either start showing him rings i like, or ask him again, or steer him into a jewlery store the next time you’re at the mall. he has probably forgotten about saying that- most guys don’t remember half the things they say.
Post # 4
I COMPLETELY understand! I was pissed when my FI spent any money on anything while I was waiting for him to propose! But little did I know, he WAS saving for a ring and he had it all planned out. Maybe instead of talking about a ring specifically, you guys should talk about your plans for the future more generally. Then you can get a sense of what the timeline in his head is like!
Post # 5
Thank you, I have a question, when you were waiting did you find yourself having a differet feeling like not less in love just not as you knowbutterfly overwhelming love feeling . I just feel comfortable just like everything is normal like I know I love him but watching his aunt get married ( they have been together less than a year) I saw that butterfly so much in love feeling between them and it made me sad I don’t feel like that right now. Is this normal in long relationships. I had been so excited in November/December but recently just a blah feeling. I do know I really love him though, I just don’t feel as excited you know, i think I might have suppressedexcitement by trying to accept it might not happen as soon as I like
Post # 6
“Well I have been waiting for him to propose and he said that once he had a job and saved up he was planning on it. Well we are in college so he has a low paying job and he takes me out sometimes and spends that money on me along with buying himself some things and I know he has nothing saved,”
How long ago was that discussion?
Did you talk about an amount?
Does he have debts that he’s also paying at the same time?
Has he ever been known to save money, ever?
Post # 7
@sienna76: I have the same questions as you.
Also, OP – you said he doesn’t have his real job, and you are in college still. To him, i’m sure it seems like he shouldn’t have to be saving yet, since he told you it wouldn’t happen till he’s out of school with a real job. Honestly, it sounds like you two aren’t very good at communicating about this, and that is bad – this is the most important decision you guys will make!! Find a way to lay it all out on the table and be very clear – on both sides – about timing and expectations.
Post # 8
He has a low paying job while in college – maybe he meant a real job in the real world?
Was that actually clarified? Or you thought any old job?
Because if one cannot support themselves with the income they generate now, then it’s probably not the best time to be buying rings perhaps.
Post # 9
it seems like there are 2 questions here–
1. is it “normal” to go through cycles in a relationship, and not always feel totally lovey-dovey
2. is it “normal” to get antsy about financial spending habits when you’re waiting to get engaged
in my experience, the answer to both qs is yes. sienna76 and crayfish have good questions that might help talk you down from the ledge of anstyness regarding the second question, but I remember feeling similarly when I was waiting for dh to propose. though I should say, given the other posters questions, we both had stable jobs at the time and no debt. we had a spat once because he was thinking about getting a smartphone (which wasn’t as common back 3 years ago when we were having this convo) and it seemed like such an unnecessary expense when I was worried he wasn’t saving money to move forward with proposing. it turned out that he was using an heirloom ring so cost wasn’t an issue and it turned out to be a moot point for us, but still, I sympathize about feeling impatient, and having that get in the way of our relationship since it made me resentful! it was really frustrating, but having an open conversation helped sooo much. I was mostly anxious about making sure we were on the same page, and we got there by talking about it.
Post # 10
i understand being upset that he’s spending his money on “frivolous” things if he’s supposed to be saving. when my fiance upgraded to a “better” motorcycle, i was not thrilled.
but if you guys are in college, i think it’s better to focus to on finishing school and paying for school before buying a ring. i didn’t go to a four year college, but all my friends did and i know how expensive it is and the term “starving student” is usually an accurate statement. if my fiance had to choose between paying his tuition or buying a ring, i would absolutely want him to use his money for school.
to address your other question: yes, it’s normal for your feelings to vary, but i think if you find yourself with just luke-warm feelings the majority of the time, it may be a good idea to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship.
Post # 11
The same funk came upon me while waiting. I didn’t want to pester him, but at the same time I was beginning to worry. Ask him if he still plans on being married to you and remind him that you are still waiting ( and that you cannot wait forever). Hopefully this snaps him back to reality. If it is a financial issue, you have be supportive of him and try to wait patiently. He should not purchase a ring if is is not secure enough to pay for it and you should not pressure him into doing so
Post # 12
Ok to clarify he works at subway and he is not paying off debt. This is his first job and he got it for pleasure spending basically he has the school thing covered. And it was just when I read that message I was very angry about him choosing to spend that much. We are young so I really shouldn’t be in that big of a hurry it’s just a little frustrating sometimes and I think my school stress is playing into a large part of this. We are pretty good at communicating it’s just nice to hear from other ladies sometimes. I don’t have many friends at this college so I don’t have anyone to vent to .
Post # 13
@KaylieJordan14: Have you been to counseling or done anything to improve yourself since you last posted all of your other messages talking about your stress?
Post # 14
I think you need to communicate more about this now. How long after you graduate college do you expect to be engaged/married? Have you been clear about it to him? When someone says “wait until I graduate, get a job and save some money” that can mean a few years. It seems like you are expecting sooner.
I waited tables all through college to pay utilities and get some spending money. I wasn’t able to save anything… it was difficult to make ends meet. You guys are in college, don’t begrudge yourselves the fun times (even if it costs a bit of money).
Post # 15
Do you think you’ve not been as excited about an engagement lately and in a funk about your relationship because you sense that he’s not planning anything in the near future or maybe not on the same page? It is normal to have ups and downs in a relationship yes, but having read some of your posts, I think this is not a healthy situation. I’m not sure you should be thinking about getting engaged until you’ve dealt with some of the issues you’ve brought up. I’d talk to someone who can really hear you all out and give you unbiased advice- like a counselor. As much I enjoy WB, I don’t think it is the place to get the advice/support you really need to help you figure out what’s going on with you.
Post # 16
I just want to start off by saying that after being in a long term relationship, you’re NOT supposed to feel the butterflies anymore. (some people do, but most dont.) This is totally normal. It’s important to recognize that this is just part of the progression of the relationship. A lot of times, people cheat for reason. I’m not implying that you’re going to cheat; please don’t take this the wrong way. I jsut want you to recognize that not feeling the butterflies is normal. There is only a problem if you are questioning whether or not you love him. But since you say you did, you don’t have to be excited all the time. The human body can’t handle all that excitement day after day, year after year, haha. You’re not supposed to constantly get that adrenaline rush.
As for saving up money, you probably have to let him go at his own pace, or he might feel pressured. Also, I know guys have to put up a front around other guys. It’s stupid, but they do. He doesnt want to be *that guy* that doesnt put in his share for a party. You’re both still young. Just keep talking so you know where the relationship is going, but don’t be in any rush. Weddings are expensive.