Weddingbee boards

So here is some backstory. My parents divorced about 12 years ago and my dad remarried shortly thereafter. There is a LOT of tension between my mom and my dad, and it's very, very uncomfortable to have them in a room together, so I've been feeling pretty anxious about the wedding. Ever since the divorce, it's been a constant struggle for me to maintain a decent relationship with my dad. He's said some terrible things to me about my mom (after I've repeatedly asked him not to) and in general it's just not pleasant to deal with him about anything other than very surface level things. Trying to get into a serious conversation with him about emotions or family issues is a nightmare. He would rather hang up on me (yes, I know) than get into a serious discussion.

At my shower this past weekend, my stepmom mentioned that they may have to sneak out of the rehearsal dinner a little early because they are hosting some big barbecue that night at their house for my dad's OOT relatives. (Because of the large number of OOT guests, our RD is wedding party and immediate family only.) That annoyed me a little, but I was ok with it. Then last night she says that they will only come in to the RD, have a cocktail and then leave. Excuse me for being a bridezilla for a moment, but this is my wedding weekend we're talking about! Why would you host a bbq that you KNOW will interfere with my RD? I haven't asked that much of them, and they can't even deliver on the most basic of requests, such as "be there for me."

After I left their house last night, I called him and told him that my feelings were hurt that they weren't going to stay for the whole (or at least most) of the RD, and that it would mean a lot to me if they could stay. He agreed and said something non-commital like "Ok, we'll rearrange schedules" or something. But it was clear to me that he was sitting at the dinner table with his wife and didn't want to really discuss it with me.

So now I'm not sure what to do. If I do nothing, I am certain that they will carry on with their plans for the barbecue and not stay at the RD for toasts or anything. I guess I could call him again and try to discuss it. I could also try to discuss it with her since this stupid bbq was obviously her idea. Am I being selfish? Should I just forget about it and let them leave early? I'm almost embarrassed at the idea of my father leaving my RD early... like we're not good enough for him to hang around, so he has to get back to his house to spend time with his family.

Sorry this is so long... obviously it's a lot more complex than this, but I've tried to boil it down to the key points. Any advice or words of wisdom? Thanks in advance and thank you for reading.  

I haven't had to deal with this with my parents, also divorced and remarried, aside from letting my mom know what things were important for her to be there. But my brother is planning to skip my rehearsal dinner.

I think the only thing you can do is to tell them how important it is to you and why, acknowledge their concerns/discomfort with being around certain family members, and ask that they compromise and be there longer than just one drink. Then you have to let it go. You can stress and be miserable up to and during the RD, or you can express your feelings and leave it in their court to make the right decision. It stinks, but it would be worse to be stressed and upset from now until the RD.

Thanks mrsmdphd - it's nice to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this! I think you (and di5308) are right... all I can do is let them know how I feel. It's just very frustrating. And on top of that, my dad is officiating at my cousin's wedding in July. He asked me a few months ago, and said that she asked him to officate and would that bother me if he accepted. I said no, I thought that would be a nice thing. Then last night I found out that it was actually my stepmother's idea, and that she suggested it to my cousin. It just feels like they are willing to bend over backwards for my dad's side of the family (siblings and neices and nephews), but they can't even put in the effort for me or my sister.     

Thanks to everyone who has commented. You're totally right, Sheeoni. I'm going to try to explain to him very calmly that I would really like for him to be there. Sigh. I really hope that by the time my little sister gets married, this will have mellowed out. I would hate for her to have to go through this. Either that or I'll tell her to elope ;)

Smyley - I can see your point. But just to clarify, I'm not hosting the RD, my fiance's parents are. They don't have a lot of money, which is why the RD so small. It would have been impossible for them to include all the OOT family because there are just too many of them (on all sides). Also, it's more my stepmom that is hosting the bbq. Maybe I'm making excuses for my dad, but I really think she's behind this whole "pop in for a drink and go" idea. And of course I think it's polite to host your OOT guests, but I feel like she could have had a dessert and cocktail party, as someone above suggested. 

I'm not mad at my dad, I'm hurt. Frankly, I just feel like he has failed me so many times over the course of my life that I kind of hoped he would step up to the plate for my wedding. I guess that makes me stupid for expecting his behavior to change. And maybe I'm taking the RD thing too seriously, but having him leave early seems kind of symbolic to me, and I wish he could understand why that would hurt me.

And believe me, I do understand their motives for wanting to leave early, I just wish they could put all that aside for one weekend.    

ashleyleah---- That's a great attitude, with looking forward to giving your kids what you can't have.  I'm not doing a father-daughter dance because if I dance with my dad, I'll feel like a hypocrite, but if I dance with only my stepdad, it's a big slap in my dad's face.  It sucks sometimes!

polkadot---- I feel your pain.  I often feel like my dad and stepmom really cut me out of their lives, and it sucks sometimes to see the attention that goes to their kids when almost none comes to me.  Just concentrate on what you DO have... I know it's hard to look at things that way sometimes, but it really is for the best to just concentrate on the positive.  Definitely talk to your dad and explain what you would like... but for me at least, I've had to remind myself in wedding planning to not take it personally.  Even when it's from a parent!  Sucks I know, but you will still have a wonderful wedding, whether or not your dad and stepmom decide to grace the rehearsal dinner with their presence... oy, divorce.  My parents split TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO, but to watch them interact, you'd think it was last month.  They're supposed to be the grown-ups!

Oh and also... while it's nice for them to entertain the OOT guests, the OOT guests are grown-ups and can handle themselves for an extra hour or two on their own.  The guests are important, but they are not more important than you.  Not only are you their CHILD... you're the BRIDE!

Thank you ashleyleah and MeghanV :) I know I said it before, but it's really helpful to know that there are other people out there who understand! My fiance's parents are still married, and most of my close friends' parents are still married, so I don't really have anyone to talk to who gets it. It's so frustrating that I'm 30 years old and getting married myself, yet their divorce still affects me. :(  I'll post an update tomorrow after I've talked to him.

Hi again - so quick update. I called him tonight and brought it up again, and he assured me that he would stay as long as I wanted him to, but that his wife might have to dip out early to get the barbecue going. I feel a lot better now... once again I think this is a case of things getting warped when they go through my stepmom (trying really hard to be kind here, but sometimes she really gets to me!). Thanks again to everyone who offered advice and kind words. :)