Dad angry that I want stepdad walking me down the aisle too (long)

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hugs.  This sounds like my dad too.  He wants what I call “photo opps” but never cared about getting to know me. 

 

Are you using a wedding planner?  Perhaps a wedding planner or the officiant can try to talk to your dad.

 

Post # 5
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@strawberry53:  This is the time to have a real talk with your dad. Deep down your angry at your dad, bc he has not done right by you as a father. I think this things is much deeper and you need to have a talk with him about your feelings not about him walking you down the aisle. Once you have your talk with him take a few days and rethink about things and if your change your mind and want your dad to walk you and not your step dad so be it. Def. you need to discuss your feelings about how he has treated you. I would never let the convo go in the area of the wedding or about how he treated your sister with her wedding. ONLY about how he treat and made you feel over the years. 

 

Hope this helps!

Post # 6
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you’ve made the most reasonable compromise possible, aside from having your mom do it or walking yourself down the aisle.  Personally, I’d be inclined to just say, “This is the decision I’ve made, please respect it” and let the chips fall where they may.  I would not discuss it further with any of them, as it would only give them an opening to try and guilt you into changing your mind.  This is your wedding, not a time for symbolic grandstanding.

Post # 8
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am going through something similar to this right now :/ My dad entered my life when I was nine but was never really around then cheated on my mom after 8 years with my best friend’s young (23 at the time and he was 42) step mom. My oldest brother has been my rock my entire life but I have tried to keep in contact with my dad even though if I went a year without calling I wouldnt hear from him.  I asked him to walk me down the aisle with my brother and he at first said yes then threw a fit and said he wouldnt do it and now is saying hes not even coming to the wedding.  I am the only kid (he has three) that has anything to do with him.  Let me also add that he is and has been a preacher my entire life. To make matters worse he is now opening a law suit against my mom beacuse he is accusing her of taking 10,000 bucks from his mother (he took the money that my gma gave him to put in savings for her and bought a rental house but when she found out he proposed they go after my mom to get her money back and he wouldnt be in trouble) … how do i know this?? my aunt (his sister who I was very close to and is nothing like her brother) told me 3 weeks ago and sadly went to be the Lord a few days ago. Needless to say we havent spoken since he refused to come to the wedding and then finding out what he is doing to my mom and my step dad just put the last nail in the coffin.  Sorry to vent on here but after reading some of these stories it just frustrated me even more to see the kind of crappy dads that are out there. I will keep all of you fellow bees in prayer.

Post # 9
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@strawberry53:  Let me also add that what you do is solely up to you but as hard as the decision was for me to make (even after the abuse and lies I have been through with my dad) finally not talking to him at all now has been the best decision I could have made for me and my upcoming marriage.  My dad does exactly what you described you dad does .. Talks bad about his own children just to get people to feel bad for him so I understand where you’re coming from.  Some people dont understand how hard it is to make a decision like this but know that there are others that do understand. Whatever decision you make God is there.

Post # 11
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

While I obviously haven’t outright said that I’m closer to my stepdad,

Maybe you should.  Be honest.  Give him the choice it’s either both or just stepdad.  He seems to be quite munipulative and you can’t let him manipulate you.

Post # 12
Member
2720 posts
Sugar bee

If I were a relative of your dad’s and I heard thar you were being walked down the aisle with both dad and step-dad and so was your sister, I would assume that you two had very good reasons. I wouldn’t just blindly take your dad’s side. When your sister did it, sure I would probably see your dad’s point, but you’re doing it too so I would understand (if that makes sense).

Anyway, hugs to you. I think you are making a great decision to pay for it yourself and have your step-dad be part of it. Stand your ground. 

Post # 13
Member
917 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

One of my good friends has chosen ONLY her step-dad to walk her down the aisle. Her father, who has been vaguely in her life the whole time, is invited and expected to come. He’s apparently not pleased with the situation, but can’t argue that since the age of 5 my friend has been cared for (emotionally and monetarily) by her step-dad, who is the most wonderful man. Sometimes hard decisions have to be made, but my friend knows which of the two of them is really her “dad” when it counts. 

Post # 15
Member
1969 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

First and foremost I’d like to offer you (((HUGS))).  I know that this is a really tough situation to be in, because I have the same issue.  So I know from first hand experience that its hard to avoid hurt feelings, while still remaining true to yourself, and properly honoring a person who has played such a significant role in your upbringing.  

I love my own father dearly, but quite frankly, he just hasn’t been there for me the same way my stepdad has.  He’s always been quite selfish, and he missed almost all of my childhood.  He wasn’t there for my 1st dances, proms, graduations, softball games, band performances, broken hearts, awards days. . . nothing.  It was my stepdad that was there for all of that stuff.    My dad and I just started rebuilding our relationship about 4 years ago, but there has been a lot of bumps along the way.  On top of that there is my stepmom or shall I say “step-monster”, who is horribly jealous of my mother (who has been remarried for over a decade & has absolutlely no interest in my dad), and tends to take out her ill feelings towards my mom, on my sisters and I.  

But to avoid hurt feelings, and to make sure my stepdad still has an important role,  I’ve decided to do the following:

1. My father will walk me down the aisle

2. When the officiant asks “who gives this woman to be married to this man”, my mother, stepdad, and the stepmonster will all stand & in unison all 4 parents will say “We do”

3. I have a very special song picked out for the Father daughter dance, and I will be dancing with my stepdad.

Good Luck with your Situation dear! and more HUGS to you!

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