Post # 1
When I first got engaged, I couldn’t decide how I wanted to get married. I never wanted a big wedding, but I have a huge family. I knew it would be important for my mother to be there, so I started looking into how I could have a “medium” sized wedding. Even keeping it at a super minimum (no flowers, no non-essential guests) it was going to cost at least 6K to feed everyone. Since my Fiance are both in law school, I decided we just couldn’t do it and I gave up on the idea.
A few weeks later, my dad was asking questions about the wedding. I told him that we’d decided we were going to elope and that we were probably going to go to Napa Valley. He was really upset and told me he wanted to be there for our wedding. I told him that we just couldn’t afford it. He told me he would help out. I said, “We would need at least 3K of help to do it.” He went on and ON about how it was no problem, he would have given me more if I’d asked him, of COURSE he would help out… etc. etc.
So then, about a month ago, my dad went up to my Fiance when I wasn’t in the room and told him, “I don’t think I’ll have the money for you guys.” AFTER I’ve booked the venue, put down a deposit, sent STD’s… basically he got what he wanted (I’m having a wedding he gets to attend) and now he’s sticking me with the bill. I am so upset about this.
I never would have asked my father to contribute to my wedding. Ever. I am the least entitled person in the world. I work for everything myself. I have my entire life. I never would have relied on “help” to pay for my wedding, but he offered, and then gave me reassurance after reassurance that it was no problem. Now, I don’t know how to feel.
I haven’t said anything to my dad about his comment to my Fiance. I’ve budgeted the wedding to what Fiance and I can handle on our own. (But it is going to be REALLY hard for us.) I don’t know how to feel about this. I feel like a spoiled brat for being angry at my father, but on the other hand I am so hurt and upset.
Post # 3
Wow I totally get why you’re upset and I would be too, that was a crappy thing of your dad to do to you. You told him you couldn’t afford it and you were okay with that and now he’s put you in a really bad position. Is it possible for you to cancel and go with your original plan of eloping?
Post # 4
You should be far enough out from your wedding date to cancel the venue without losing your deposit. As for the STD’s – there are plenty of ways for you to still use the same date to do something like a celebration of marriage reception AFTER you guys get hitched (do the elopment like you wanted)!
I would be a mess of emotions if this happened to me…but you just need to make the best out of the situation now. Your father should have never promised something he couldn’t afford but to make him feel horrible about it probably won’t make either of you feel better. :-/
Post # 5
@MrsPom: I thought of that, but there are a few problems. 1. I’ve now been planning this wedding for 6 months and I’m really excited about it. I bought my dress, my mother bought her dress… 2. I would lose $1000 worth of deposits. 3. My FI’s parents would probably just offer to help us out and I would HATE taking money from them, but I’m sure my Fiance would if they offered it. That’s just how their family works. It isn’t like that in my family (obviously) and it makes me really uncomfortable.
This was the one time MY family was going to step up, and now it’s just worse than if he’d never offered in the first place.
Post # 6
Have you spoken with you dad directly about this? From your post it sounds like he only spoke with your Fiance.
Post # 7
That sucks. I understand why you’d be upset. Maybe something happened with him financially that he can no longer help. Or maybe he said he’d help without ever really being able to.
I agree with MsMindle. You should be far enough away that you can cancel and possibly get your deposit back.
Post # 8
If you’re still up for it I’d try to elope if I were you. Cancel what you can and try to get your deposits back if possible. Tell your dad that you’ll be going back to eloping since you can’t afford the wedding without his help. Let him be upset. It’s pretty awful for him to set you up like that financially just so he could have “his” wedding. I know you’re upset and I’m sorry this happened. But I think you can still have a wonderful ceremony when and if you elope. 🙂
Post # 9
I know how you feel. We just found out (3 months before the wedding) that FI’s dad isn’t giving us the $5000 they promised us for our wedding. Talk about cutting stuff out of our budget! phew! We will basically just be making it by the time our wedding rolls around..
I try to not get upset about it. Because that doesnt help me pay for things any faster, just gets me worked up. sometimes taking the loss is better than having to pay that extra $5000 (you said your budget was 6 right?)
Post # 10
the exact same thing happened to me…. i feel for you!
Post # 11
Does he have a history of this type of behavior? Did he offer when he was intoxicated? I’m trying to understand this because from the outside it appears awfully manipulative at the worst and incredibly short sided at best. Sorry honey, that completely sucks. People are so weird sometimes! If it were me, because I loathe being manipulated and lied to, I would pretend like my faince didn’t tell me and I would ask my father for a check to cover _____ expenses and see what happens. He’s obviously scared to tell you but he’s an adult and should tell you directly, not leave the responsiblity on your fiance…so unfair.
Post # 12
that’s not very nice but then again, things do happen. perhaps he was sincere when he offered initially but has had a financial set back that you are unaware of. then again, maybe it was just lip service.
sorry you are going through this. i hope you get the wedding you want. there are always ways to cut back here and there so i’m sure you will be able to work this out.
Post # 13
Keep the dresses and keep the venue and keep the plans, but downsize the guest list a lot. That way you won’t lose your deposits but can still get married. You can do a big vow renewal when you guys can afford it someday.
Post # 14
@WillyNilly: He has done things like this in the past, but I wouldnt really call it a “pattern.” When I was in college he offered to help me pay to fix my car, and then never did. He offered to help me pay tuition one year, and then never did… but those are the only two times I can think of. He was completely sober when he offered to help. Your suggestion is pretty much my plan. I dont know what else I”m supposed to do. I feel like confronting him about it would just give him a way to get off the hook.
Thanks for all the support ladies. I really don’t want to cancel my wedding at this point. I’m just upset and bitter about this, and I feel like it’s going to taint my wedding day because I’m going to think about it every time I look at my Dad.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I can understand your frustration, but you also have to remember how your dad is likely feeling right now– it can’t be a good feeling to have to tell your future son-in-law that you can’t stick to your word and help the way you wanted to.
It was a bummer, but a similar thing happened with my mom– when we first got engaged she was super adament that she wanted to do for us the same thing she did for my 2 older siblings $3,000 cash and 1/2 the rehearsal dinner. Well, now here we are planning the wedding and my mom is in the middle of filing bankrupsy. She feels terrible about it because she wants to do what she said she was going it, but it’s just not in the cards for her anymore.
Even though you’ve already put the deposits down, you can still always downsize/scale down parts of the wedding/honeymoon– it sucks, but you don’t have much else for options at the moment.
Post # 16
Guest list is already at 60 (Really cannot get any lower.)
Discount on the photography (family friend)
Cheapest menu option
Really no bells or whistles whatsoever. The only expenses I have to cover are food, venue and photographer. That all adds up to at least 6K, which is a lot when you make like 6K a year.
There’s not really any way I can make the wedding less expensive. What I need help with is trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings I have about my Dad now. I don’t know what to do or how to talk to him. It was COWARDLY for him to say that to my Fiance and not me. I am angry, upset, hurt… I just don’t know what to do with it.