Dad bringing his mistress to my wedding! How to make my mom feel ok? HELP!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@TexasTheta90:  well if she dresses too sexy, she will just look inappropriate. There is not much you can do about your mom, it is too bad they can’t meet before the wedding so it won’t be the first time. 

Post # 4
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@TexasTheta90:  your mom is an adult and I’m sure will handle it gracefully. There are so many people at weddings that it’s not like she’ll be alone with her. Just spend lots of time with your mom 

like the PP said if she dresses too sexy then she’ll look dumb. 

Post # 5
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@TexasTheta90:  Keep your mom around you on the day of the wedding. Have her in your wedding suite, share special intimate moments that your Dad’s new wife is not apart of. Tell her how much you love her. Encourage her to make the rounds and help you greet guests. If she’s busy she won’t have time to dwell on it. 

Post # 6
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@TexasTheta90:  Well, first of all, it wasn’t her who broke up your parents marriage, it was your father.

If I was in your shoes, I simply would not invite my father. My husband’s (first time I’ve typed that) father left his mother for another woman, and they were together for 35 years before he died in March. He was not going to be invited, despite the fact they did maintain a relationship. We did not invite his widow (though I think she is a lovely lady).

I personally think you are asking a lot of your mother to be ok in that situation, and I would have a long discussion with her about it.  Even if she thinks it would be ok, she may feel differently seeing them together.  The idea of having them meet isn’t a bad one, to see how things go.  How would they feel about dinner at your house, or at a restaurant, perhaps with your FI’s family or other people as a buffer? (You do need ot let everyone know in advance of course)

I did invite my father, who had an affair on my mother witha woman he is still with. But my mother encouraged me to, and she was the one who left him. It was also 35 years ago, and she has her own partner.

Post # 7
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would set expectations upfront like, your mom is seated up front at the ceremony and is walked down the aisle, mistress is not.

I guess talking to your dad about appropriate dress wouldn’t help?

At the reception, you could ask your dad to respect your feelings and not bring her. If that’s not an option, then make sure your moms table is full of people that will support her.

Post # 8
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@TexasTheta90:  Have you met the mistress? Does she really think she deserves a special place at the wedding?!]

What is your father saying?

Post # 9
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@TexasTheta90:  

“When one marries one’s mistress, one creates a vacancy”. Sir James GoldsmithCool

Post # 10
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@TexasTheta90:  Mom gets a special flower, a nice poem dedicated to her in the wedding program, gets escorted in the ceremony, lights the unity candle if one is there, and when you give your speech at the receptioin menion how wonderful she is!!

Post # 11
Member
6013 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Just sit them far away from each other.

Also, tell your dad that she is not to wear some skanky outfit to your wedding. This is a formal event and she needs to dress appropriately. I know you’re not supposed to tell adults how to dress, but like hell if someone would be allowed at my wedding dressed like a call girl.

Post # 12
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Well she’s now his wife, so calling her his mistress is incorrect.  So yes, according to etiquette, if you invite your father, you have to invite his now wife.

Personally, as someone whose father did the exact same thing, I wouldn’t invite her.  And I would tell your father why.  The decision to attend is then down to him.  

My mother acted badly at my first wedding.  She didn’t get an invite to my second.  I don’t care who you are, if I don’t want you at an event, you don’t get an invite.  No one ‘deserves’ an invite anywhere.

Post # 13
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@TexasTheta90:  Do you have a relationship with your dad’s wife? Can you speak to her about her attire, or maybe go together to pick out her dress (using an excuse of, oh hey girls day?)

Maybe you need to sit and talk to your mom and see how she feels. Or talk to your dad and see what he says… he may be uncomfrotable with her being there as well and may decide not to bring her?

Post # 14
Member
7262 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would not be okay with my dad bringing this woman to my wedding. My dad left my mom after 30 years of marriage, and he married the woman he left our family for. I don’t speak to him anymore since he left, but even if I was still speaking to him and he was still in my life, I would definitely expect him to not bring the woman he cheated on my mom with. It’s not fair for you to have to worry about this on your wedding day, and it’s really not fair to your mom. The only thing that this woman coming to your wedding can cause is strife.

Post # 15
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’d do a few things:

– Talk to dad about your concerns regarding his wife’s attire. Specifically mention the charity event. He MUST speak with her and make sure she is appropriately dressed for a wedding. If he’s uncomfortable doing this, then you must speak directly to her yourself. Don’t feel bad for doing so – SHE should feel bad for tacky, tasteless dress.

– Have mom walk you down the aisle. If you really want dad to do it, would you consider having them both walk you?

– Have your mom with you while you get ready that day.

– Ask your mom to do a reading or other meaningful task during the ceremony.

Post # 16
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@TexasTheta90:  This is a very tough situation.  You have a lot of ‘what if’ type of situations zooming around your head right (as anyone trying to plan would!), and then a lot of concern regarding outcomes to those ‘what if’ situations.

If it were me, I would make a very clear statement to each person involved in this trifecta, long before the day arrives:

To my mom, I would let her know that yes, dad is invited, and yes he is bringing the ‘mistress’, and although you will try to nip her behaviors in the bud, that you are not certain she will care.  I would promise your mother that she is extremely important part of the wedding, no matter whom tries to ‘outshine’ her, and then ask her to avoid, or try to ignore anything going on around her!! (i.e., take the higher road).

To my father, I would let him know that although bringing his new wife is probably non-otional, her behaviors at past events have disturbed you, from attire to being the shining star.  I would remind him that your mother has just as much of a right to a beautiful, fun, non-confrontational and easy day, and that you DEMAND your father help in that department. Not by talking to her, per se, but by also re-iterating to the new wife that your mother’s role is extremely important to you.

And then, if you can, I would let the new wife know that since she is your ‘step-mom’, you would ‘love the honor’ of shopping for an appropriate dress – in the color and style you envision.  If she declines, then I would tell her to please not dress like a hussy, and to take that comment up with your father, because you are not dealing with her in that way 🙂 (ok, maybe a bit kinder, but you get it!).

Sadly, I think that is ALL YOU CAN DO to try to put out these foreseeable fires, and although that is not an ideal situation, expectations need to be outlined now.  Not just for your wedding, but for every future event you and your DH will have with this family; kids birthdays, graduations, etc, etc, etc. 

 

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