Post # 1
My dad, 58 years young, is dying. He had esophageal cancer, chemo/radiation, cancer came back, esophagus surgically removed, cancer showed up in lungs, more chemo/radiation, and now the cancer grew and is in his lymph nodes. This is over a period of 5 years. They cannot do anything else for him. His pain meds were quadrupled. He’s “with it,” still doing his thing. He’s not on hopsice care or anything (probably to come soon).
I haven’t talked about this with anyone, but I’m awfully distracted sitting here at work.
What would you do? Proceed with wedding plans? It’s in July 2012. I have my venue paid for, Save-The-Date Cards sent, photographer booked, cabins paid for. If I cancelled I’d be out $300 for the cabins, and could probably move the photographer’s date. If not that’s $300. I still have a few weeks to cancel the venue without a penalty. I probably would need to make up my mind on this in the next month. Not that bad.
I don’t live near my dad, the wedding is not near him as I haven’t lived in that state for 18 years now. He was fine with that. My home is out here. Even if the wedding were yesterday, he wouldn’t have made it in his condition. It was just known that he wouldn’t be there, nor could we really plan anything around him with such unknowns. But I only heard of the 3-5 months left to live today from my sister.
It kind of makes me question stuff.
I don’t have a back up plan – it’s just something I thought of today. I just think of the mental state my sisters, mom and I would be in.
Post # 3
Just after my sister got engaged and had picked a wedding date over a year out, our mom was diagnosed with Inflammatory breast cancer. She was given 6 months. My sister immediately changed plans and got married in Hawaii with just family and a very few friends within a couple of months so that we could be sure our mom would be there. (Our mom ended up on some clinical trials that prolonged her life, but that’s a different story, just putting that out there in case some bees are wondering why I still talk about my mother).
My heart is breaking for you. This must be extremely difficult, and you have to do what is absolutely right for you. Maybe a small ceremony in the immediate with just family there, and then go along with the big wedding later like you’re planning. Think of what you’ll want to look back upon and remember later on. *hugs*
Post # 4
I am so so so very sorry you are going through this. I really don’t have advise. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you! *HUGS*
Post # 5
awww honey i’m so sorry.
is it all feasible for you to travel where he is and do a small ceremony and dinner? you know, just something so he can be there when you get married even if you keep your original july wedding plans for everyone else?
Post # 6
First off- sending wonderful, positive vibes your way. What about having a small ceremony now, while he is with you, before he deteriorates any further, and proceeding with the wedding as planned in July? Look at it this way- at least you have the three months to make something happen. Sending you lots of love!
Post # 7
I will leave it to other bees to answer this question with more experience, I just wanted to say I am sorry for what you’re going through.
If it were me, I would probably reschedule the wedding for asap if it can be done (I don’t think $300 is enough to even consider as part of the decision). But, again, I have no experience with such a loss and don’t know what other factors you might need to consider. Can you reschedule your venue for an earlier date?
Post # 8
I would do the real wedding with your dad present ASAP and keep your July wedding date for everyone else.
Sorry you’re in this situation!
Post # 9
I can’t even imagine what this would be like. I am so sorry that you have to go through this! I think that if it was me, I would be heart broken to not have my dad there. even if it meant us going to his location and having a little wedding ceremony at the justice and then having diner at a restaurant. But everyone is different, if you are able to speak with him maybe you can ask him HIS thoughts on it?
Post # 10
I am very sorry to hear that.
One of my childhood friend had this situation. I know the bride’s dad got really sick so they had to rush through the wedding. They didn’t have time to plan.
What they end up did was to have a quick courthouse wedding so that her dad could see. One month after the wedding, he passed away. I think this was a year ago.
Now they are planning for big reception in the summer 2012 as planned.
Would having a small ceremony close to your dad’s be a possibility? You can have it with immediate family, maybe close friends. Then plan for a big wedding like planned.
Post # 11
You know my whole life, he was not into weddings at all. In fact, urged us all to elope.
But then he said to me on the phone recently, “If I’m breathing, I’m going!” He couldn’t even fly here if the wedding were yesterday. It would be too much for him, now would I want him to go through that to see me.
Having been married once before (no one witnessed that wedding), I know you only get one shot for a wedding. So if anything, I would just elope sooner, by ourselves, somewhere romantic that takes care of it all for you and that’s it.
Post # 12
Oh dear! i’m soo sorry you are gong through this. I had a similar issue. I got engaged in Dec 2010, in March 2011 we booked the church and the venue for Nov 2012. In July 2011 my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. I asked the Dr what we were dealing with since my wedding was still a year and 1/2 away. She told me to move it to the fall if i could. I think i almost passed out in the hospital… I moved it up 11 months to this past January. so i planned it in 6 months. My mom has been handling the treatments very well and was able to enjoy the wedding. But understand what you are going through it is not easy. Could you move it to your home town? keep it small and intimate? There was no question that there was no way i wanted to even have a wedding if my mom wasn’t going to be there. Hang in there! (((((Hugs))))))
Post # 13
My heart goes out to you.
If it were me, I’d move the wedding up so he could be part of it. But just remember that what he probably wants most is for you to have the wedding of your dreams. I’m sure whatever you do, he will be proud of you.
Bless you all.
Post # 14
I would find a way to have my dad present and do it as soon as possiable. Just think about the memory that would make for you and you may find it comforting later on. I know that is what I would do.
Post # 15
The wedding was only immediate family and close friends to start with, so no extended relatives anyway.
But, if I did it somewhere near my dad, then all of FIs family would have to travel from Oregon to Indiana. I wouldn’t redo the Jackson Hole wedding.
Post # 16
@sienna76: It sounds like he’s had a change of heart and would really like to see you get married. Perhaps as he’s re-evaluating his condition and his life? Do you want him to see you get married?