Dad issues

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
2234 posts
Buzzing bee

Sticky situation with a lot of variables. His hatred for your future spouse and his cheating on your mother are two separate issues and I would handle them separately. First, I would analyze why he holds those feelings for your fiance. Did something happen to foster those negative feelings? Can you discuss it with him? Even if something did happen (say you fought with your fiance and made up) can your father see that you have put it behind you and are happy presently (provided this is the case)? Parents tend to concentrate on the “wrongs” made by their child’s partner, and sometimes they are completely blind to what that person HAS going for them.

In regards to the cheating, were you able to verify it is a fact? Does your mother know yet? Does your mom know you are planning a wedding? 

Post # 3
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

When’s your wedding. If you’re hiding your relationship, I’m guessing it’s still pretty far away? If so, don’t worry about this now. See how your relationship with your father plays out. Readdress whee it gets closet to the wedding.

Post # 4
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Is there some reason your father doesn’t like him? I’m sure there’s some underlying reason. No matter how irritable he is, I don’t think you should keep secrets from him, since that’s something that could worsen things. I dealt with a similar situation. My father disliked my fiance because he was overprotective of me. He didn’t even know my fiance very well. Or at all. I would sit down and have a long talk. My father has cheated on my mom, too. Not sure how that pertains to his dislike of your fiance.

Post # 5
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema

My father is a douchebag. he and Mum are still married but live as flatmates. He’s not invited to my wedding. He’s shown no interest in me for the last 29 years, so why bother now?

Everyone knows how I feel about him, so no one is *really* that surprised. 

If you’re not comfortable having him there, don’t. If you feel one day you may regret it, then probably do invite him.

Post # 6
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Man, this is tough. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think it’s totally up to you. I would base this more on your history with your Dad as opposed to just the recent past.

Reasons why you shouldn’t invite him:

If you think that there is a good chance he would cause a scene/start a fight/be aggressive with you or your FI on your wedding day, then I wouldn’t invite him. But I would first have a conversation with him in a public place about your wedding. If you have previously had a healthy relationship with him, I would tell him you love him and you want to have a strong relationship with him in the future. You’ve made a committment to your FI and you want your Dad to support you and be a part of this really special day. Then it’s up to him how he reacts. If he wants nothing to do with it, then he’s the idiot who is missing out on his daughter’s wedding day.


Reasons to Invite Him:

He’s your Dad and you only get married once. His infidelity is horrible and, if you mother knows about this or is in the process of separating from him, you could structure the wedding day so your Dad and your Mom don’t have to spend that much time together or don’t even have to sit together. The infidelity has happened and it’s up to your parents to work through it or not. This would be the situation they would be in regardless of whether you were getting married.

I would just really make sure you think through the decision; cutting a parent out of a wedding is a really big step. I would imagine it’s the kind of thing that cannot be undone once you’ve spoken the words (and eventually he WILL find out you’re planning a wedding, especially if you plan on inviting any other family members, so keeping this a secret doesn’t seem sustainable). I generally think the main reasons to not invite a parent to a wedding would be if they have a history of abuse, of neglect, or just haven’t really been a parent at all to you throughout your life. I don’t know if going through a rough patch is reason enough to disinvite him; but only you know the full extent of this. I hope it gets easier!

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