Dad keeps pushing me to talk to abusive sister

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2072 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ChicoryCreek:  she sounds toxic. Do not let your father guilt you into forcing a relationship with her. You can be polite, but keep your distance or she will poison your life. For what it’s worth, based on what you’ve said in your post, I think your dad lost his right to “pull the disappointed dad act” when he failed to protect you during your childhood. If he is going to be disappointed in anyone, it should be himself and your mother. It sounds like your sister is a product of the environment she grew up in. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  WestCoastV.
Post # 4
2818 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Didn’t your father play a role in making her the way she is? If so, he should probably acknowledge that and work through it rather than using your willingness to make up with your toxic, abusive sister as a barometer of his parenting. 

Post # 5
461 posts
Helper bee

Yeah, my first thought is that your dad needs to be talking to her about getting some counseling and making an effort to stop her abuse.  If you’d left a physically abusive relationship, would your dad be pushing you to get back in it?  It’s the equivalent in my mind.

Post # 6
12875 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Can you just tell him that your relationship or lack of between you and your sister is just that, between you and your sister… and that his pushing it is only going to push you away from HIM also.

Post # 7
5773 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Just like you’ve got a right to have your feelings about not having your sister in your life, your dad has a right to his feelings too. Your feelings are no less important than his, but they’re also no MORE important than his. Tell him that you respect his feelings but that since your desires are in direct opposition to his, you both need to hold your peace (read: be quiet) on the subject of your sister. But at least respect the fact that he is absolutely allowed to want his kids to get along.

Post # 8
356 posts
Helper bee


ChicoryCreek:  Is there a reason that she treats you so badly? Is she possibly jealous of the life you now have? I don’t see why you should have to be trying- it seems like you’ve made several attempts, and she is the one creating the issue. Maybe let your dad know that if he wants you two to mend fences, she’s the one he needs to be talking to. In my opinion, you’ve done your part. Why continue to try, just to be let down and treated nasty. Also, have you asked her why she is so bitter towards you?

I went through something similar with my sister, not quite to the same extent. She was making bad choices, giving up family for her boyfriend, etc. Anytime something good happened for me, she had to one up me, or make me feel bad about it. I told her I was done with her, and I told my parents I was done with her. They later had a talk with her and told her I was hurt and no longer considered her a sister because of her actions. Things did turn around, and we’re getting closer again. She’s happy for me, excited to help planning my wedding, and has so far, acted like a kick ass MOH. It sucks “losing” a sister- hopefully things can get turned around and you two can have a healthy relationship.

Post # 9
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think until SHE is the one to come to you and make the effort to repair things, you shouldn’t make contacting her a priority.

Unless she becomes aware, in her own way, of how rotten she has been, and then decides to make amends with you, she will continue to be the abusive, awful person that she has been to you in the past.

As much as it would make your dad happy, I don’t think his request is realistic. You deserve to be happy, and keeping her at a distance is what you need to do to protect yourself.

I also have a lot of volitile people in my family, and have had to make similar choices for my own sanity. You’ll go insane trying to get through to people who are like that…it’s not worth the hurt.

Post # 12
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Just because you’re blood doesn’t mean you have to put up with her crap. Nor do you have to put up with the guilt trips. Every time he brings it up, simply say “I’m sorry, but I will not be discussing this with you. So how’s work going?” Refuse to engage, redirect. If he continues to push, leave. Or hang up the phone. Repeat. 

If you continue to engage in conversation about the issue, all you are doing is encouraging the behavior. Stop, do not engage, redirect. It’s like training a dog, the instant you give in, you have undone all the work you’ve done. Leave as many times as necessary. Eventually, he’ll figure it out.

Post # 14
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ChicoryCreek:  I’m sorry you’re going through this. 

I think it’s fine for you to tell your Dad very firmly that he needs to drop this. Tell him you understand how much it would mean to him for you and your sister to be close but that her behavior makes that impossible and that you are not going to subject yourself to her abuse in order to pretend to be close. Tell him that for now, he is asking too much and that if your sister ever demonstrates that she has moved beyond the need to lash out at and insult you, then you would be open to having a closer relationship but for now, it’s just not possible and he needs to stop pushing you. 

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