dad making me feel bad about my wedding date…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2111 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’ve lost 3 if my grandparents already, 2 while dating FI. Honestly, I’m with your dad. While it may have thrown off my vision, if it was the difference between having them there or having them in the ground, I’d have done everything possible to make it so my grandparents could attend.

Post # 5
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Any person could die at any moment, morbid but true.  I don’t think you should have to plan your wedding around if certain people will be alive or not and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad about that.

Yes, you and your FI have been together for 9 years, but almost half of your relationship you were teenagers.  Do not make him feel bad for not proposing soon enough becuase your grandparents are older and they have health concerns.

Post # 6
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@theEguarantee: I don’t know how you veiw this but maybe a small civil ceremony and then plan a big vow renewal? That way your grandparent can be there? I think you might regret not trying to have them be present. YOu can’t plan around death and you are not a bad person for wanting to keep the 2015 date but really consider the possiblilty of regretting it. I had a civil ceremony due to military reasons and my “vow renewal” (my whole family just calls it the wedding) and reception next month. I did it for less emotional reasons (we were talked into it by his military coworkers) but you have a really good reason for doing it. 

Just a suggestion 

Post # 7
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@theEguarantee:  We ran into a similar situation with FI’s family since our wedding isn’t until 2015 either and all of our living grandparents are elderly.  My stance is and was, that there are no gurantees in life.  I could get struck by lightning tonight.  Additionally, you could move the wedding up to this year and (God forbid) something could happen before then.  This actually happened to one of my friends.  I don’t think you should move it, but I also don’t think your dad was really trying to be inconsiderate either. 

Post # 8
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I 100% agree with you.  You can not plan your life around death.  I lost my grandfather a few years ago and am so afraid of loosing another grandparent and especially my great grandmother who is about to be 101.  I would absolutly love for her to be there but it does not fit my life’s plan to push the wedding up and even I did push it up to next month she could be gone tomorrow.  It will be super sad if you loose your grandpa before your wedding but you can’t move up life just because it will be sad if he isn’t there.  Grandparents can’t make every big moment in your life, its like saying you should get pregnant now so that your grandpa can meet your child.  It’s just not practicle.  Be easy on your dad though, he’s going through a rough and probably is thinking of his dad more than he is thinking of you.  Give him some time to come terms with his fathers failing health.  Good luck and your grandfather will be in my thoughts.

Post # 9
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think it hit you hard because it’s true.  My DH and I got married after a 7 month engagement because we were worried about his grandma being alive.  She died that next summer, and honestly, my DH will never forget that his grandma was there or what a big deal it was.  I am happy she was able to come to our wedding.  Had we waited longer, she would have been gone.  I think if it’s possible, you should look into a shorter engagement.  

ETA: I feel like saying anyone could die at any time is a cop out.  That’s a way of acting like you have no control over when you plan your wedding for.  They are older, and you will have to decide what’s more important – your vision, or sharing that moment with your family.  

Post # 10
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@theEguarantee:  We joke, but seriously, that my Grandma only hung on to make it to my wedding.  And then because my brother’s wife was pregnant.  And now because my cousin is pregnant.  Cousin #2 is up next to propose or knock up his girlfriend, but brother will probably have baby #2. 

My great aunt, whom I loved dearly, had a major stroke and dropped dead soon after I got engaged.  She was the healthiest of all my “old” relatives. 

Life, and death – happen.  Celebrate the time you have with your grandparents and don’t worry about a specefic day.

Post # 11
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@theEguarantee:  I’m confused.  First you say this wouldn’t be a big deal if you’d gotten married a year ago because your grandparents could have been there and it would be fine and everyone would be happy.

But now you’re more than okay with waiting *18 months* so you can fulfill your “vision”?  Even if it means NOT having your grandparents there?

If it means SO much to have your grandparents at your wedding that you’d ask your fiance for a proposal before he was ready, why are you suddenly willing to wait so long and risk them being gone?

Post # 13
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My mom tried to do a similar thing to me.  FI really wanted a 2 year engagement, and after we talked about it, I agreed with him that it was the best timing for us.  I have a great aunt who is almost 90.  All of my grandparents have passed away and all of FI’s grandparents have, too, so she’s the only one of that generation on either side that is still around.  My mom is extremely close with my great aunt and really wants her at my wedding.  After I told my mom we were waiting until 2015, she put a lot of pressure on me to move it up a year and told me several times how important it was to have her aunt there.  She also threw in how my great aunt didn’t get to see her grandson (my third cousin, I think, I’m not great with that) get married because he eloped, which was annoying because it’s not like I had anything to do with that!

I definitely sympathize with my mom and I would love to have my great aunt at my wedding, but ultimately FI and I have to do what is best for us and the majority of people.  Even if I did push everything up to have the wedding in 2014, she could still die before then.  As it is, I doubt she can travel and we’re not having the wedding super close to where she lives.  I explained all of the reasons for 2015 to my mom and made her respect our decision.  She seems pretty fine with it now, so just stay firm and enjoy the time you have with your grandparents while you have it.

Post # 16
1451 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It’s true anyone could die tomorrow if they got hit by a bus, struck by lightning, etc. But coming back to a more realistic time frame, your grandpa really may not have that much time left. I would do it in the next year, I think it’s too long to wait just for your vision. Doing the wedding on a smaller budget is possible, you’d just have to compromise. I think your dad is 100% right for bringing it up. 

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