Post # 1
A little background: my dad left when I was about 5 and was not in my or my sister’s life consistently until about 5 or 6 years ago (I’m 31). He would come into our lives at certain points and make promises that he would never keep–instead of calling us to tell us he couldn’t deliver on a promise, he’d just fade away–not answer phone calls, nothing. So I thought we had a pretty good relationship.
Engaged time comes and Dad offers to pay for the wedding. Once he finds out how much a wedding in NY would cost on a crazy small budget he said "I’ll give you money towards the wedding." He was supposed to give us the money in three installments–we received the first installment in May and were supposed to receive the other two in June and July. In the back of my mind I never believed that he would deliver but I was really pulling for him–just in case the FI and I had a Plan B for coming up with the money. I’ve called my Dad at his work, cell, and home since May and stepped up the phone calls to every couple of days–nothing. I called my aunt (his older sister) and she spoke to him and he said he was going to call me this week–and nothing.
I’m hurt, but not as hurt because this is his thing–backing away when he can’t deliver on promises. I was going to allow him to walk down the aisle with my mom and I as a nice gesture–but now I’m not sure–he hasn’t even given me the courtesy of returning my phone call. It’s not even about the money–we have the money to cover what he said he would–it’s about the fact that my Dad seems to have a problem being consistent. I understand that he makes promises because he wants to make things up to my sister and I–but I think he sets the bar too high with his promises and once he realizes he won’t deliver he runs away.
If he does end up calling, what would you do? Do I tell him to keep his money and that I only want my mom to walk me down the aisle? I don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
What a tough situation. Maybe it would help if he knew you really didnt’ care about the money? But in the grand scheme it sounds like your mom may be the better option – she has been the consistant one, the one always there for you. Good luck!
Post # 4
do you have any one else to ask? maybe grandfather or uncle? someone who’s been a constant support for you? or like august15bride suggested, your mom?
Post # 5
When my sister got married it was so short notice my dad, step dad, and grandpa were all busy. She asked our uncle. It worked out well.
You should do whatever feels most comfortable for you. If having your Mom give you away makes you feel comfortable and you know for sure she will show, then go for it!
Post # 6
No one else thinks he should walk down the aisle with me–but they never really did. My mom thought it was really big of me because I did want to establish a relationship with him, but in reality he did a lot of nothing for me throughout my life. She said she raised me to be forgiving so she was proud of me for asking him–but she’d love it to walk me down the aisle herself.
I’ll talk to my aunt (his sister) and see what she says.
Post # 7
I also applaud you for being the bigger person to ask him to begin with, but I would shy away from letting him walk you down the isle. Your mom raised you and really wants to walk you down the isle herself, so I would say let her do it! Ultimately, it’s whatever is in your heart, but from what you’re telling us about him flaking out, i would give the honor to the person who has been there for you all of your life.
Post # 8
If he paid, would you have let him walk you down the aisle?
How does your mom feel about it?
What does your gut say?
I don’t think paying for anything should allow him to walk you down the aisle, but it depends on how you really feel about. If he does show up and make a fuss, just stick with your decision (unless you really want to give him that honor).
Post # 9
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Let your mom walk you down the aisle unless you *really* want him to do it. It’s a shame that he won’t return your calls, though…
Post # 10
I have a sadly similar story with my father. My mother is walking me down the aisle because she raised me and if anyone is going to give me away, she thinks it should be her (I agree).
This may be one of the few instances where you have good memories AND your father but keep in mind who has always been there for you….
Best of luck!!
Post # 11
@ oracle: He asked if he could walk me down the aisle when he offered the money and I said yes because I also thought we were at the point where we were finally ok. And if he had asked without offering the money I still would have said yes–if he had answered my phone calls and told me he couldn’t give me the money anymore I’d still have him do it because he’d be in communication. He has his own real estate business so I understand if times are hard–just talk to me, that’s the part that hurts me because it’s his same old pattern. I’d rather him not offer me anything and then surprise me.
My gut says no, I just hope I don’t start family drama because I have my aunts and uncles from his side coming to the wedding and I’m sure it will be weird for them. I guess I have to just get over pleasing everyone.
Thanks for all the advice, ladies!