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I think you should have both youe dad and stepdad walk you down the aisle. I didn't vote since that wasn't an option.
Well, I'm just going to be honest. Which ever decision you make, I would hope it wouldn't be based on the "dollar amount" each father is giving. It's not a rule that the parents have to pay or pay equal amounts, or what not. You're decision should be based on how you feel towards both men as the actual "father-figure". If you feel your step dad have been there for you (more than just financially) thn I think it is perfectly fine for you to choose him. I just don't think you should throw you biological father out of the equation just because he isn't giving you as much as your step dad.
Based on what you have stated, I would have your stepdad walk you down the aisle. You have stated yourself that he has been more of a dad than your biological father. In my opinion, your biological father does not deserve the honor of walking you down the aisle. If he is coming to the wedding and you are doing special dances, you could pick a secondary dance for him and you to dance to; maybe with the dj/announcer announcing at a certain point for the rest of your guests to join you on the dance floor, and at that time maybe your new husband can cut in.
My brother is walking me down the aisle. My dad left when I was 13, we didn't talk until recently (I am 22 now) but at wedding, I asked my brother (who is 19) to walk me down the aisle. My dad who I now speak to, is okay with it, as well as my mother...just because my mom hates my dad...
I am okay with my brother doing it because he has been the best through-out my life. He is my best friend and if I can do that without my parents fighting, I will keep it this way. I know this probably doesn't help, but I do know how you feel.
In your case, I would have your step-dad possibly...but bro is always my first pick! :)
Wow your father relationship is so similar to mine. Divorced at 5, had a period of non talking but now live close by and have been rebuilding a relationship. Also, not much financial support through the years and not paying much for the wedding compared to my future in laws and mom and stepdad. I'm actually having my grandfather walk me down the aisle since i grew up living with him and he is the one I have the most fatherly relationship with. It will probably hurt my dad but I feel that it is my day and I want to be given away by the man who was there for me the most. Just my thoughts...so I voted for your step dad b/c it sounds like he is that for you.
Oh an I'm going to try to soften the blow by having the father daughter dance w/ my dad. And my stepdad will do a reading.
I'm in a similar situation, though my both my Dad and Step-Dad have been supportive throughout my life. However, I've lived with my mom and my step-dad for most of my life. My solution?
Both of them are walking me down the aisle. I see no reason why I should deny either of them or myself the experience.
im with Stassney that you have the option on having both of them walking you down the isle.
but im also with WendyS328 that your decision should not be base on money.
good luck, and take the decision on what will make you happy. in the other hand you can ask you mom to give you away and that will solve your dilemma
You are building a decent relationship with your bio father right now, so I would not tip that cart too much if possible. There are several ways to honor the men in your life. This is my suggestion:
- have your brother walk you down the aisle
- have a special dance with either bio or step dad
- have either bio or step dad give a toast
Figure out which one would appreciate each more. If one is talkative and likes attention, the toast will be the better option.
I have had a similar experience, though my dad has let me down in many other ways than just financially, and while it hurts that he isn't contributing money to the wedding, the other things he has done hurt much more. I also have a great stepdad but I didn't want to choose between them, so I am having my brother walk me down. I voted the same for you because I think its a good way to avoid hurting either of their feelings.
I have to say, though, that I hope this runs deeper than money. Financial support is very important, and I totally understand the hurt that comes when your dad doesn't provide for you. At the same time, if he has been there for you in other ways, I would think about trying to forgive him for this one way that he has hurt you. Money is a tricky thing but I don't think it is important enough to let it destroy a relationship. Perhaps I am way off, but it just seems like there is a lot of emphasis on money in your post, and not so much on other aspects of your relationship with your dad. I would just encourage you to take a look at those other parts as well.
It sounds like you've had a very difficult relationship with your father and like he wants to be involved with the glory of everything on your wedding day but not give the help and support (I'm speaking more on an emotional level) required leading up to the day. But, if you're asking this question, I am assuming that you want to involve your dad as much as your stepfather. So, here are my two suggestions . . .
Have your biological father walk you down the first half of the aisle and with your stepfather the remainder of the aisle. Or vice versa.
Or, have one of them walk you down the aisle and ask for the other one to do a reading at the ceremony and/or a toast at the reception.
And, if you have a program and recognize your parents in it, make sure both are included.
That way you're recognizing and involving them both.
Thanks everyone so far! I want to make one thing clear - when I think of the man who has had more of an impact on my life, I would have to say that it is my stepdad. He has given me much more emotional support than my actual father - partly because my dad has lived 4 hours away for most of my 20s. I know that my dad loves me, but I don't feel that he really is a "dad". I look at my FI and see how he is with his daughter, and I never had that with my dad. I mean, I did have some things, but I think that financial support is very important, especially when a child is growing up. What hurts me is that he lets my stepmom dicate his life. I feel that this is where he is not supportive as well. I am his daughter.... Oh well.. I could go on and on.
My FI suggusted the "splitting" the aisle thing. I'm just not sure how that will work. Anyway, keep the comments coming! I appreciate all the help!
Have them both walk you down the aisle, one on each arm! I saw that done before, and it was really nice.
What about your mom? She's the one who's been there for you your whole life, even when your father wasn't. Also, that's probably less likely to cause a rift between you and your father while still acknowledging that he hasn't been the best of father figures to you.
I love @Entangled's idea! Could your mom walk you down the aisle, and then at your reception, you could do 2 father/daughter dances. One immediately after your first dance and then maybe the other one after dinner or tied somewhere later into the evening? Or have one do a reading at the ceremony and one do a speech at the reception?
I think you should walk yourself if you want to avoid the drama factor! No matter who you choose someone will be hurt and that will cause you to feel guilty on your big day...
My friend's situation is very similar to yours and she is having her mother walk her down the aisle. Maybe you could do something like that.
I feel like this is a competition for you- whoever donates the most money "wins" walking you down the aisle. You should be appreciative that your family is helping you pay for this thing in the first place. Parents paying for your wedding isn't mandatory anymore. Splitting the aisle is no biggie- it is possible.
Take away the money aspect and be true to yourself.
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So.... I don't know who should walk me down the aisle - my real dad or my stepdad.
To make a long story short, my parents got divorced when I was 6. During that time, he was not always financially supportive to my mother - I mean he always paid his child support, late or not in-full. There were many court battles over money as I was growing up. Then when it came time for me to go to college, he didn't want to help pay for that either. I didn't talk to him for over 6 months. He was not invited to my high school graduation. Over the years, my dad has lived hours away and until recently, I only saw him a couple of times a year. Now he lives in-state and I see him more often (maybe once every 2-3 months) - not that he makes an attempt to see me as much asI think he should. I have a good relationship with my dad today and he was really excited when my fiance and I got engaged.
My stepdad came into my life when I was 16. Since then he has been financially supportive and always there when I needed emotional support, a handyman or any other role he could fill at the drop of a pin. He is very special to me and I feel that he is more of a father to me than my real dad. I see him at least once a week.
Here's the issue..... At this point, my dad is NOT really helping pay for the wedding, despite being well off. I basically have begged him to renegotiate his shockingly low offer of $2000 (btw - he paid more for his DOG last year! and which is so insulting to me that I won't even take it) to which he has avoided any wedding converation with me (actually, he hasn't even called me in weeks!). My mom and stepdad have offered us at least $6,000, which is generous since they were hit hard last year with the crash and I know its what they can afford.
I found out from my mom yesterday that as a surprise, my step dad is planning on giving me a good chunk of his OWN money (my mother was floored when he told her that he wants to give it to me - she never asked him nor brought it up). I never expected this generousity from the man who is biologically not my father. But the fact that he is doing this for me, has touched me in a way that I can't explain. My father has NEVER done something like this for me, something out of the goodness of his heart, just for me b/c I'm his daughter.
When I told my mom about the lowball amount of money that dad has offered me, she was mad at him and hurt for me - that I have to go through what she went through with him all those years. My mom doesn't think that my dad deserves to walk me down the aisle at all since he has never really "been there" for me, and still can't man up and do right by me.
So.... what do I do? I'm thoroughly disappointed that my father couldn't/isn't stepping up and supporting his only daughter financially to help pay for a wedding (or at least has been avoiding this issue with me). I'm also disappointed that I have to beg him to give as much as my mother (which I do not feel guilty asking for since believe me, he can afford it) Since he is not being a DAD, I don't think that he deserves it either! I am inclined to ask my stepdad to walk me down the aisle since he has really been the dad I never really had. He deserves it.
This, I know will CRUSH my dad (and it doesn't help that my dad HATES my stepdad). I don't want to break my dad's heart, but I honestly don't want to break my mom's either. Why give my dad the glory of walking me down the aisle when he doesn't deserve it?
What do I do? I don't want to make the wrong decision. I want to do right by everybody (I'm a pleaser). Should I tell my dad that if he can't man up then he can't walk me down the aisle? Do I give him an ultimatum?
Help! I'm so conflicted!