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I would sit your dad down and tell him exactly what you've posted here. He hasn't given him or you any reason to be scared, and given the fact that he's never raised his voice and deals with situations calmly shows me the exact opposite impression of your FI. My husband is the exact same way. He's very calm during stressful situations, and when he gets frustrated, he certainly doesn't take it out on me.
I would just let you dad know how much this bothers you and that he needs to stop making comments like this to you. Your FI hasn't done anything to deserve them and would feel crushed if he found out...and your dad needs to know that.
Your FI sounds like a very level headed and quiet person who really doesn't display a large emotional range.
I don't know how you can get your dad to see that other than just spending as much time as you can with them so hopefully your FI starts to open up.
Also, maybe talk to your dad from time to time about the really sweet things he does.
If your dad still keeps down this road, I'd take it to the point to have a real sit down with just you and your dad and try and get to the rot of the problem. What else has he seen (other than your FI being quiet) that worrys him. Continue to let him know that you won't lie to him about your relationship and will come to him if there ever is a concern, but your relationship is stable and good and your FI is a good man and just happens to be much quieter then your dad is used to.
My husband is similar. He's not shy or anything, but he stays really calm and relaxed all of the time. Perhaps this is really your fathers issue, Perhaps he used to be similar or someone in his life was, and he watched them explode at times. I would let him know that you're fine and so is FI and communicate that it bothers you that he mentions these things about FI. Hopefully he will stop soon.
Thanks for the responses! Hugs to all!
FI and I have had our tiffs, and he's for sure gotten annoyed at me and I at him - it's going to happen. But there has never been an instance where I was afraid or felt threatened. The one time that I saw he was getting very angry and did raise his voice - it was at his mom and I dragged him away, told him I was not going to accept that treatment to his mother (even if she was asking dumb questions) and told him to take a walk. He did, and came back with a cooler head.
My dad has had his own anger issues in the past, has attended anger management classes and had been a pretty scary parent himself to be around for a good portion of my childhood. I love him, and we have gone to therapy as a family - and things are alot better now.
I think because of my dads history, he might see traits that might remind of him his own anger issues - though I don't really see similar traits in them.
I told my mom about my concerns, and she thinks my dad is nuts. She loves FI and always talks about how great he is and how good he is to me. My dad supports our marriage, but at the same time I think he is waiting for me to come to him with bruises.
@b00kbug: With that additional information it does sound like a classic case of your dad projecting his life experiences onto you and your FI. Just because when he was quiet he was bottling up anger, doesn't mean your FI is doing the same thing.
Is your dad still in anger management or any other therapy? It might be something he could talk about with his sponsor or therapist as it's all a part of his past anger issues.
@KatNYC2011: Actually, I'm not sure if he is still in therapy. We stopped going as a family a while ago and he had been going to meetings were it was just married men to talk as a group once a month. I'll have to ask my mom if he is still attending.
I had thought that he was projecting on my FI, but I had stated to him over the phone that first time that I do not have the personalty that I would stick around if I was being abused. I assured him that FI was a great man, but that I did know that I had a safe haven at their home if there was ever a need for whatever reason.
If this continues, I really am going to have to have a serious sit down with him. I want him to happy for me, not terrified that he is giving me away to an abuser.
I would stop trying to convince your Dad and just start asking him questions about his life experience.
"Wow, Dad, you've been through alot and really worked hard to change how you deal with anger. Were there guys in your group that acted like FI? Did you ever *feel* like you were acting like FI on the outside (sometimes people with anger issues think they are super cool on the outside, even when they are not)?"
"Did you ever worry that how you dealt with anger while I was a child would effect the type of spouse I choose in a negative way?"
I agree with PP's who said this is your dad's issue. He probably changed his ways so that you wouldn't marry a guy with anger problems and now he has an irrational fear that he's hardwired you to seek out abusers.
The more you try to convince him that FI is a good guy, the more it looks like you're covering for him. It's annoying but after a friend of mine spread a rumor about my FI to cover up why she skipped my birthday party, it took my friends just seeing that there were never any signs of abuse to stop worrying. Now they can't believe they ever thought that, but once it's in your head it's hard to get past it.
Just tell him he's not abusive and that you're not even going to entertain the idea anymore. Maybe offer to go with him to one of his therapy sessions if he still goes to help him work through the fear he has for you.
i don't believe being quiet is a sign of being abusive... i have heard the saying 'it's the quiet ones you need to be careful of' but i disagree, a person can be abusive regardless to the personality, my ex is very loud, arrogant and cocky and he was abbusive, his best friend has almost the same personality, in fact their so alike in many ways but the friend, is very calm and deals with issues in a proper manner. i also know another guy who is rather quiet but flips like a lightswitch when confronted.
it is hard to judge such behaviour without good cause as pp have said i would sit down with your dad and talk to him.
good luck x
Heh - according to your dad's psychological assessment, I'm probably a serial killer. WINK.
But seriously, I never show any anger whatsoever, and seldom seldom even feel it. It's just not really in my - shall we say - emotional repertoire. If you're happy and feel safe, let your dad know what you've told us here. If he can't get his head around it, he's the one with the problem.
i wonder if your dad knew someone like that who then became abusive-beacuse it doesnt sound like in your situation that your FI has given any warning signs. I'm sure your dad is just worried from what he has seen before.
I wouldnt tell FI because you are right it might cause some issues. BUT you should talk to you dad and ask him why he thinks that. Ask him to point out things FI has done to make him concerned or if he's going off someone elses experiences. That might make him see that he really doesnt have anything to worry about.
Your FI sounds like a great guy! I agree that your father is out of line and needs a talking to. I'm quiet and so is my dh, butt nobody thinks we're abusive to one another for that reason. Just b/c you don't run your mouth doesn't mean you have a deep seaded evil inside of you! lol
@Moja Milosc: I never thought about that, that my assurances could be seen as a cover up.
I 'm just pretty hurt that my dad supports the marriage, but at the same time thinks FI is smacking me around. Part of me wants to encourage the two of them having some 'male bonding time' but at the same time, I know with FI's quiet nature that there is a chance it would only make things worse.
I REFUSE to tell FI about this. I am not one to keep secrets, but I can't hurt my FI because my dad has a misinterpretation of our relationship. FI thinks my dad loves him, and I know he would be crushed if he felt he was seen as the enemy.
It just strikes me as funny that one of my ex's was a drug dealer (unknown to my folks) and they ADORED HIM, but I find the man that I love and has been a part of my life for over 11 years now and my dad thinks he's beating me.
Yeah, I don't think it's unwise for you to keep this from your FI, at least for the time being. I can see how this particular revelation might have the potential to cause some baaaad feelings.
@JewishBride: Thank youuuu! FI is wonderful. <insert giddy smile> And he certainly isn't quiet all the time, he just takes forever to really open up. He and my brother get along really well, and they talk a mile a minute about video games and such. He just doesn't have that connection with my dad as of yet.
I don't really have any advice for you (though I do agree with PP that this is your dad projecting), but...if you don't want FH to find out, why are you posting through FB? Can't he see the cross-traffic on your Wall?
This is completely armchair analysis, I don't have any psychological training or anything, but I think mmsva might be on the right track. (All I'm saying here is what I might do given what you've said, please don't take it to be any more than that.) I don't know if I would ask him about what he's saying about your FI in terms of his own past experiences, but I would just ask him why he says that. Maybe ask him if he knew someone who seemed to "keep it bottled up" and then explode violently? If your dad doesn't seem able to accept your assurances that your FI isn't abusive, I think the best way to get to the bottom of whatever's going on with him might be just asking why he thinks what he thinks, being as respectful of his opinions as you can (as I think you said, since he thinks you're being abused and putting up with it, he's not really able to hear your explanations at face value).
I don't know how that got to be such a novel, but if any of it is of help to you with this, I'm glad! It's great that at least your mom is clear-headed about what's going on. Maybe she can get through to your dad about this?
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Hey bees, this has been bothering me for a while and I just don't know what to do with it anymore.
FI is quiet. When he gets to know you very well, he is much more open, but otherwise (as he says) he'll talk when he has something to say, but otherwise he just listens. My dad takes this as a warning sign.
He's seen my FI get upset here and there. Once when we returned to our home and found that FI's canopy that we had set up on our deck had blown over our house and was crumpled and destroyed. FI grumbled, grew quiet and dragged the canopy to where it would be out of the way for now, complaining about how it was destroyed and his utter confusion as to how it went from the back yard to the front yard. He never raised his voice.
The next day my dad called me and wanted to make sure we didn't have a horrible fight. I was pretty confused at first until I realized that my dad wanted to make sure that I wasn't hurt. I told my dad I was fine, FI has never raised his voice to me once, and if I was ever in an abusive relationship he could trust me that I would not put up with it. My dad accepted my answer but he made sure I knew that I could come back to their place if I ever felt scared. WTF???
This has continued to remarks made by my dad here and there. The other day I was telling my parents how our overly excited Yorki had peed all over FI when he had gotten home from work. My dad comments 'I'm sure he got the s**t beat out of him for that'. Which DID NOT HAPPEN.
My dad has said that quiet guys worry him because they hold in their anger and then it comes out in violence, but FI has never ONCE raised his voice to me, and the tiffs that we do have never escalate to yelling or pushing and so forth.
I know my dad is just showing concern for me, but it really bothers me that he thinks that FI is abusive to me, and it bothers me even MORE that he thinks I am putting up with it.
My FI loves my parents - he lost his own dad the Christmas before we started dating - and whenever my parents need help around the house, or my parents business, he goes and helps out without a word of hesitation. He doesn't know how my dad feels, and I don't want to tell him for fear of him resenting my father. I don't know how to make my dad see that FI is a good man - because telling him that I am fine and that FI is not like that is clearly not working. Just because FI is quiet compared to our loud and outgoing family does not make him a threat!