Post # 1
Both my fiancé and I are Chinese an recently started planning our wedding. We both agreed to pay the wedding together just to avoid any money conflict with our family… In Chinese tradition I guess the guys family would usually have the day in the wedding. However his parents are pretty lay back and told us to do whatever makes us happy.
The problem is my dad. He is literally struggling to have control per EVERYTHING. Previously I planned to have a fall wedding because it was a less popular date and plus I love the season. Unfortunately I gotten in a argument with my dad because he wanted it in the summer so all my relatives can attend. I was okay changing it to summer because I understood his perspective especially since I’m the first child in the family to get married.
Afterwards we were choosing a date. Due to Chinese tradition my fiancé parents were suppose to choose the date based on a bunch of superstition. His parents didn’t really believe in it and again left the decision to my fiancé and I. Again my dad argued with us to change our chose date because of a bunch of Chinese superstition.
Another incident was discussing about the wedding schedule which is pretty much 12 months away. He literally quizzed me about the wedding schedule and then lectured me how a Chinese wedding schedule should happen. Note no one talked to me about it before so I was pissed especially since I continuously asked my parents if there was something I should be aware to avoid any disrespect to either parents or relative and he said ‘no there’s nothing you should worry about’
Recently my fiancé and I been going through hell with my dad. Both my fiancé and I were against having the reception in a Chinese restaurant mainly because the only Chinese restaurants large enough to have a banquet have mediocre food, service and location. My dad was upset. Everyday it is always a new argument such as ‘it is cheaper than western food, it wouldn’t fit your relatives taste, each Chinese dish have a special meaning hence why Chinese people are less likely to get divorced’. More than once my fiancé, mom, sister and I told my dad to just let us have it however we want it. Recently he flipped when my fiancé told him neither him or I would be happy having a wedding at a Chinese restaraun (which I told him days before)t. He threatened that if neither of us are happy we shouldn’t bother inviting him to the wedding because he doesn’t want to attend it. He calmed down for a while bit and tried to act like the understanding guy but recently decided to fight for the Chinese restaraunt again. Frankly I’m getting mentally tired I just don’t know how to handle him anymore. I’ve been asking the venues if we can incorporate some of the traditional dishes to menu but I don’t know if it’ll turn out okay or meet my dad delusional standard. What’s also frustrating is that my dad is ALWAYS complaining about the food whenever we do go to a Chinese restaraunt such as ‘look we can cook better than this, it’s not that great.’
I’m worried that if I give in to his demands he will continue to demand MORE. And I know that I would forever hold a grudge against him for forcing his choices on us. I’m just at a lost of what to do and just is frustrated I want to cry. Please help?
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2013 - The Down Town Club, Philadelphia
I’m not familair with Chinese wedding traditions, but since you said you are the first one in the family to get married…I think your dad might be going through some growing pains of his own, so to speak.
Since he isn’t paying for the wedding, my inclination is to tell you to do what you want, despite your fathers protests.
Have you sat down with your Dad and told him what you just told us? Maybe if you expressed your frustration with his expectations (and his behavior), he can temper himself a bit.
I think you should sit down with him and have a long talk.
Post # 4
You and your FI are paying for your wedding, that means you get to make the decisions. I can understand switching to summer so that relatives can attend- that is a reasonable request. Deciding you should have certain dates or certain food are not reasonable requests.
You are right to be concerned. If you give in to him because of his behavior, he will continue to behave like that to get his way about other things. I doubt it will end after the wedding- he will think he knows best about any decision you and your FI make about your lives (which house to buy, how to raise your children, etc).
Post # 5
There is only a fight when someone fights back. Don’t fight back.
I’m not saying to give in to your Dad’s every wish. You already compromised on the season for practical reasons.
When he starts getting demanding, simply say” We’ll take that under consideration Dad” then change the subject. No matter what he says or does , don’t get dragged into it. ” As I’ve said Dad, we will take that into consideration when we make our decision”.
Post # 6
Thank-you everyone for the response! I guess after my last conversation with my dad regarding to the wedding he calmed down a bit… I think he was worried that I was avoiding him since I stayed at my fiance’s house for the past couple nights shortly after the argument. My mom was able to knock some sense into him but he’s still upset about the choices we’ve made. Well at least he stopped picking fights with me…
Reeniero: I told him how I felt towards the Chinese restaurants before but he becomes pretty defensive. If I reminded him of all the changes I’ve made to the wedding due to his demands he’ll throw a temper tanturm because he doesn’t like holding accountability for anything unless if he sees some positive results from it.
MissTatas: I agree. Both my fiance and I are trying to hold our ground on the wedding but I’m just getting mentally exhausted of all these stupid arguments. I swear if he continues to bug me about the Chinese restaurant before I can finalize the venue I’m just going postpone the wedding until my other siblings get married first.
Julies1949: Thanks for the advice. I’ll try that next time. Hopefully there wouldn’t be a next time… or at least not anytime soon.
Post # 7
@BearBear47: Sounds like my Dad – although he’s only had one or two issues. The big one was that he thought he should sit at the head table (as that’s tradition in the UK) but that’s not what is done in NZ (where we now live nad I grew up) and not how FI and I want to do things.
I managed to get out of my Mum that he had thretened to not come just like you Dad did but I know for a fact that he is just bluffing (did the same thing with regards to my brothers wedding but is happily looking forward to theirs in Cape Town). If he says he doesn’t want to come to my face I will simply say “Well I’m dissapointed you feel that way Dad, as we want you there and I want you to walk me down the aisle, however if that is how you feel then that is your decision to make.”
So basically just call his bluff and I am sure he will back down – at least I know it will work with my Dad as he is a bit of a drama queen, hopefully your Dad is the same as I would hate my advice to backfire!