Post # 1
Back Story: My parents have been divorced for over 10 years (not really the issue though). My parents agreed amongst each other that they would each give me 5k for my wedding. My mom has given me over half of her amount and my dad has yet to pony up anything.
My dad: My dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. He still makes a solid income with unemployment and pension and SS. More than I make a month at least! Awhile back I became concerned that he wouldn’t give me his half and I am already in the middle of planning. He is the type of guy that if you make him mad, he hits you where it counts. Basically I cried to my mom and he promised to do his part as promised.
Today I got a phone call from him about how he needs me to bring a copy of his will over this weekend so he can revise it. I asked why and he said, “I am writing a new one just in case your sister needs to be written out of it.” I dug a little deeper and it turns out she has borrowed a lot of money from him in the last few months and now he feels used. (He typically does become paranoid when he has been drinking heavily) Now during this conversation he says to me “If she keeps taking all my money I won’t have any left for your wedding!” My heart sank. My wedding is 6 months away. He reassured me it is not an issue, but he is so flaky at times about things.
My concern is that I could anger him, He could drink it all away, and he could just decide not to help out. Then What? I asked if he had at least half to give me now and he said, “No way! Its 6 months away. We will talk about it in April.” I calmly said, “But dad my weddings in May I need to start making deposits and getting fittings and buying things.” He basically said “I don’t have it right now”.
My question is: How do I make myself feel at ease when dealing with a high strung, alcoholic parent who I feel isn’t 100% reliable when it comes to commitments? I am so worried to continue to plan this wedding and then all of a sudden the money I was counting on is gone. I hope I am over thinking all of this. I really do. My dad is a great man, with a big heart, but he is sick and complicated. Does anyone have advice on how to handle this? What I should do going forward? Has anyone dealt with this kind of drama? How do I continue planning stress free with this in the back of my mind? How do I talk to a stubborn man without it backfiring?
(Id talks to my mom about it but last time I did she chewed him out-It wasn’t helpful)
PS I would never let my dad write my sister out of his will. She doesn’t deserve it; I will give her half my inheritance.
Any advice, comments, opinions are welcome.
Post # 3
I would definitely go forward with the assumption he’s going to give you nothing, even if that means cutting back on certain things. He might, he might not, it’s not worth the stress to wonder.
Post # 4
@bballou: What I am about to say is going to suck, but you need to plan a wedding you can afford WITHOUT the funds from your dad. If he gives you them, great. If he doesnt, you still get to have a wedding.
Post # 5
Honestly I would start planning thinking you won’t get the money. And if you do, great! Use it on your honeymoon.
Post # 6
Yes…..Only problem is……..I have been planning for 6 months already with my moms half. (Dumb I know)
I guess I can always use some of our savings, but that was for a house next year.
I am sure all will be fine, it is the stress of the unknown that I don’t know how to handle.
Our wedding is 6 months away at this point.
Post # 7
If he’s been this way your entire life, I don’t understand why you felt you could depnd on him to give you any kind of money. :-
Post # 8
Don’t depend on his money and work with what your mom is contributing only.
Post # 9
@bballou: I would take that as he has no money to give for the wedding, i wouldnt rely on getting it…if he has drinking issues he may just drink it all aawy, i dont want to be mean but the way things are going i wouldnt hold your breath on it…sorry kid even if you do talk to him and he said yes ll give you money i wont trust it till you see it…sorry my mom has shopping issues, its not like drinking but every thing on QVC she MUST have, i opened a savings account and told her if shes giving money give it when she has it because im not counting on the “ill have it closer to the wedding” ive been through that before…I eneded up paying for my car in full because of that… i wish i could give you happier news or advice but ive been there…kind of… good luck to you
Post # 10
Tell him you need the money NOW! Tell him you hit your credit card limit, or a vendor needs it, or something- but if you don’t get it NOW 🙁 I don’t think you’ll ever get it.
My mother wan an alcoholic and she never followed through with any of the big promises she made- she just kept putting it off, and putting it off, and putting it off hoping I’d let it go. I only got things when it was last minute crunch time and I exploded in her face.
PS- you’re a good sister 🙂
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Use your own savings and don’t rely on dad for anything. It may mean you have to take an extra year or two to save up for a house but that is not long in grand scheme of life. Take it as a learning lesson to not budget/spend money you don’t already have in hand (or in the bank.)
Post # 12
I would have a backup plan in case he does not pull through, just in case. I don’t know what other options you have but you don’t want to be stuck with nothing when it’s time to pay.
Your Dad clearly has some financial issues, as well as personal demons. If you can do your wedding without his help then do that. Then later tell him to put any money he was going to give you into getting himself some help with his alcoholism.
Post # 13
@mrs_pudding_pop: He has never been so flaky about money up until recently. So I guess you’re right.
Post # 14
@secretwife: Yes I asked him for it today and he said he wont have it YET. lol What was I thinking.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur
I’m sorry, that sucks, but you shouldn’t plan a wedding with money you don’t have. you can’t be mad at your father. Parents don’t HAVE to pay for their kids weddings.
Post # 16
I’m sorry but you need to forget your dad’s money. For the first thing, you can’t depend on an alcoholic, and you know it. That’s part of why you are so upset, afraid he’ll flake. And chances are, if he doesn’t have it now, he’s not gonna have it in April either. If by some chance he does come across with it later, then use it however you can, but I wouldn’t depend on it.