- 2 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
Well, that image I always had of my father walking me down the aisle and dancing with me at my wedding is getting dashed, and I’m having some trouble coming to terms with it. I’m half afraid that if I don’t deal with this NOW, then I’ll be balling as I walk down the aisle in a few months . . . but not happy tears.
My father is disabled. He has social anxiety disorder, a brain tumor, and some knee issues. He can walk short distances with a cane, but the social anxiety & side effects & pain has meant that he has only left the house twice in the past 5 months for his doctors appointments, which are only about 15 minutes away. The social anxiety is also created by the side effects from the tumor and the medications he takes to manage it. There is a surgery available that would likely remove the tumor, and would (in a domino effect that I don’t want to go into) take care of the side effects, help relieve his anxiety, and allow him to get his knees fixed. . . . he had planned on having the surgery. As a family we’ve been discussing this with him for over a year, providing support as he goes through the preliminary steps, and we’d talked about him walking me down the aisle, and that it’s something I’d always imagined. He recently informed us (through my mom) that he has chosen to not have the surgery. No reason was given, and he refuses to talk about it so apparently we have to just accept it. This decision means that his health will only continue to decline, and that he likely won’t have a long life.
I understand the decision is his. . . but I can’t help but feel left out and almost a little neglected, or like creating that memory isn’t important for him. That being present and involved in one of the most important days of my life isn’t important to him. That making his quality of life better, being around for my brothers to marry, for grandkids, even being able to leave the house without pain isn’t important to him. I feel angry that he’d rather be in pain and that he’s essentially giving up. And I feel angry at myself for being angry at him.
I just needed to vent, to get it out. . . and to hopefully get some ideas or comments or idk, something that might help me deal a bit. I should be worrying about menus and flowers and picking out shoes, not whether or not my dad will make it to my wedding.
Re-reading the above . . . yes, I’m upset that he won’t be walking me down the aisle. But it’s more that I’m “mourning’ the life I thought he would have, things that I thought would happen, years that I thought would be there. And if he won’t have the surgery or make that change for his only daughter’s wedding, when things are already this bad for him . . . I don’t think he will for anything. We all thought that my wedding was going to be the turning point, after he suffered for years with his condition just deteriorating . . . and apparently it’s not going to be.