Daddy issues . . .. .

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry your family is going through this. It must be very difficult for everybody. 

The first thought that came to my mind is perhaps your dad is simply (not so simply) affraid of going for surgery. I would also think that they way you are looking at the situation (him not caring enough to be there for weddings, grandkids, etc) isn’t the way he’s looking at this situation. I would guess that it’s not that he doesn’t care about all those very important milestones, it’s that he can’t get over the fear of what the surgery means. How they would remove the tumour, etc. 

This can’t really compare but maybe give you a little insight. My SO’s dad had a big heart attack when we were in our 2nd yr tog. He had the symptoms for around 24 hrs before finally agreeing to go to the hospital. He was afraid of hospitals. heart attack was confirmed and he stayed in the hospital for a while in ICU. Eventually he went home and had to go back for his angiogram (not sure about that spelling). He never went. Again, because he was too afraid of going to the hospital. He was on lots of medication. Flash forward almost one year exactly. He has another heart attack. This time bigger than the previous one. He’s in ICU again. He had to be put on dialysis for most of his major organs as well are a quadruple bypass. He didn’t survive in the end. 

He has missed (so far) three weddings and by July four grand kids. He wasn’t thinking about what he was going to miss. The fear of the hospital had him so consumed, that’s the only thing he worried about. 

If your dad walking you down the aisle is really important to you, would you consider perhaps staging him walking you down the aisle? Get dressed up in your dress, have your FI at the other end of the hallway, and have your dad walk you down to him and give you away like that? Have your father-daughter dance right after? Something along those lines anyways? Just a thought. 

 

Post # 4
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m so sorry you are going through all of thid when you should be excitedly planning your wedding.

I was going to say that it sounds like you are more mourning the loss of him in the future rather than just your wedding but you have figured that out already.

I don’t know what it is like to have a tumor or be on medication for it but I do know how hard it is to make a decision on brain surgery. Kind of… I haven’t made the decision yet but I get the battle and if your dads medications cause him to be anxious I understand even more. Is he getting help for his anxiety?

I have epilepsy. Its not nearly as frightening as a tumor but as a result of new onset epilepsy in my mid 20s, I became an agoraphobic much like your dad I never left the house. Turns out I can have surgery that could cure the epilepsy but brain surgery is never without risk. The anxiety toppled with the risk probably has your dad backing out of surgery. When I had agoraphobia I wouldn’t even consider the idea of surgery.

I do understand where your dad is coming from even though my situation is mild in comparison.  The only thing that helped me was therapy. I used it to over come the agoraphobia and am now able to decide if I want surgery or not. I haven’t decided yet though.

Maybe you can sit your dad down and ask if he could go see someone that will help with his anxiety, maybe even get some meds for it. I went med free but my anxiety was because of me not medication. Perhaps if he tackles the anxiety it will free him to make more logical decisions. Tell him how much it means to you for him to be there and try to encourage him to geg help with his anxiety.

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