Daddy issues. I need advice

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@jigga143:  Invite them. Leave the decision to them to come or not, just like any other guest. You would not be creating drama by inviting them. He created drama by threatening to kill you.

Post # 4
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Do they know that you don’t have a relationship with him and why? If so, then invite them and they’ll understand. If not, I’d find a way to tell them. Then invite them and they’ll understand. It’s possible they may choose not to come to try to avoid drama or because he’s not coming – and that’s okay. But you’re well within your rights to invite them and not him if they’re the ones that you have a relationship with.

Post # 6
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Invite those who make you happy and feel loved!!! If they happen to from your dad’s side of the family so be it. I am sure the invited family will understand why he won’t and will not be be there. If this causes any drama you need to flat out tell them why he will not be there to watch you and FI get married. The reason you stated above should be the only reason they need to hear and that should hush them in their spot. If they need another reason they should probably not be there because these will be the drama makers. I think those worth being there will understand completely and support you! Don’t worry about the drama. Just put your time and effort into your love and new life with FI with the support of great family and friends. Hope this helps! Good luck!!!

Post # 7
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

Do they know he threatened to kill you?

Post # 8
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I wouldn’t. I would just invite them. If they ask why he’s not invited – tell them that he threated to kill you, so you don’t feel safe around him and don’t him in your life or at your wedding. End of story. But if they don’t bring it up, then I wouldn’t.

Post # 11
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@jigga143:  I understand but once again, it is drama he is creating and how your family members handle it is up to them directly. How would he find out they were invited? If they chose to tell him, right? Well then, they don’t have to say a word if they don’t want drama. Just send an invitation in the mail, and do not bring up why your father isn’t invited — it is none of their business really because your relationship with your dad is between you and him, period. Family members will figure it out at the wedding itself if they choose to come. If family members make the mistake of sharing with him they are invited, and they or he come to ask you about it, you are under no obligation to explain yourself to anyone. Imagine that? You actually have power in this situation and are not powerless. Don’t respond. The invitation is about a yes or no — will they attend or not. It really can be that simple if you make the boundaries clear.

EDIT: P.S. Don’t you think your family members would be upset with YOU, NOT to be invited to your wedding, and wonder why they aren’t even invited? I think that would create drama directly with you! You aren’t setting anybody up with an invitation. Clearly, your aunt has already received crap from him so she isn’t exactly in the dark about the potential for him to be upset with her. Again, her choice to come or not.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@jigga143:  LOL Well, it’s taken me a while to get to this point in my life but man, does it work and feel good! Take your power back. Seriously, there is no need for you to live with this dark cloud over you. You should be able to celebrate your day with the people you love, and to heck with anyone that tries to squash that. What are you going to do down the road? When you have other things to celebrate? Not invite people to those other events, too, for fear of him blowing his top at them? Look at all you would be missing out on, and the opportunities for others to share in your happiness, gone because you worry about creating drama that you’re not even creating!

I am just trying to draw clear lines for you to see it is their fight with him, not yours. It is your relationship with your father, not theirs. It is your relationship to your family members, separate from him. See the differences? Yes, they are interrelated, but how they are interrelated is up to each party separately.

I hate confrontation, too, but if you build a solid protection and foundation for yourself and feel secure in yourself in the first place with your decision, you won’t have to worry about confrontation much.

Post # 15
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Honestly, everyone on his side of the family should be capable enough people that they know he’s not invited, and know they’ll invoke his wrath if they go – so they’ll either go anyway or decline.

No one is guarenteed an invite, especially if they are being a douche to their own daughter.

You don’t owe anyone an explination or anything – just do your thing.

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