Daddy Issues, Split Family – Who Do I Invite to My Wedding?!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you stop a parent coming to your wedding if they were borderline abusive?
    Absolutely! : (16 votes)
    67 %
    Let them come but don't allow any contact, they can only watch. : (1 votes)
    4 %
    No way, never. : (2 votes)
    8 %
    Only if I could get a believable apology and see major improvement in their behaviour. : (5 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    579 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    gabrielle.petro:  I’m sorry you’re going thru this. My situation is very similar to yours. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, and my father (divorced) is an alcoholic/pill addict. Neither of them (or their families) are invited or even aware of my wedding. Heck, my dads side doesn’t even know my son exists. 

    I refuse to allow anyone in my life who makes me miserable OR supports/defends my awful parents. I refuse to allow anyone in my life who has minimized my crappy childhood. I’m 33 years old, I don’t have the time or emotional capacity to deal with these people. Especially not when I’m shelling out a TON of money to celebrate my happiness I because they’ll piss all over it. 

    I vote no. If your grandparents don’t get it, then they don’t have to come either. They can hang out with their alcoholic son, who’s doing “so much better”.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1248 posts
    Bumble bee

    DannybearsGirl:  I think your poll choices 1 &3 can be confused based in the poll question, post title & some ambiguity. 

    I am really sorry about the way you were treated & if you are still having nightmares because of his treatment of you, I see NO reason you should invite him. Leave toxic out of your life. 

    In response to your grandparents (it appears you only mention your paternal g.parents) you can either try to ignore them or simply tell them you deserve to get married without being re-traumatised. You don’t owe him any more than you owe a stranger on the street. He has done nothing for you & if he has, he’s done far more negative with his terrible actions. Your grandparents may not let up, so based on your situation I say either ignore them or tell them quite bluntly he is not welcome. I really hope they do not try to force him on you. They do not seem to understand the hurt he has caused you. You can forgive him, but that doesn’t mean he should be part of your life. Obviously,  he has not changed. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    354 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I can sympathize with you. I’ve been estranged from my dad for the past two years or so because he has basically gone crazy and has become very difficult to be around for a number of reasons.

    The way I see things, the title of “father” is a privilege, not a right. It doesn’t sound like he has been much of a father to you in any way or form. He obviously hasn’t cared much about having any relationship with you; so why should he have the privilege of being a part of your life?

    I can see how it could be okay to just have him there at your wedding out of necessity, but just as a regular guest. But I don’t really see him having the right to walk you down the aisle to give you away when he hasnt played much of a role in raising you or being there for you. 

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    566 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    so sorry to hear this!!! i havent been through what you’re going through at all but as i see it, the problem is that you cannot just invite him – you’re also going to have to invite your stepmom. this sounds the the beginning of a horrible day at the expense of your happiness at your most important day. are you having a big wedding? could you not fudge the numbers and say ‘oops no room”? but considering how push your grandparents are (not to mention how blind they are), they will push for him to come. you will be tense, angry, anxious, worried, nervous, perhaps ill (i get physically sick when i am that worked up), maybe had a few sleepless nights – at the expense of this man showing up. its not worth it. hes not worth it. he lost his ‘privlege’ to be in your life years ago. dont let him in now. you need to stand up and be forcefull with your GP’s and say NO hes not coming! get your FI behind it too and be a unified front against this man.. dont sacarfice your happiness on this important day for this man.. 

    btw – donno if you get to see who voted for what in your poll, but i hit the wrong button.. misread the question. i meant to say yes – wont invite them!! lol

    Post # 6
    Member
    1634 posts
    Bumble bee

    You dont need toxic people in your life. If your grandparents want to be in denial, there’s nothing you can do about that, but you dont have to be. You might have to be firm with them and just say “He’s not welcome, it took me a lot of years to get over the hurt he caused me, he’s not making an effort to show me he’s getting better, so he is not welcome. End of disucssion” I wouldnt let them brow-beat you into allowing him to come, he hasnt acted like your father in a long time, you dont have to pretend he’s someone other than who he is just to appease others. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that, it’s not fair, but I’m glad your FI is supportive and has your back! 

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    287 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    I believe that your wedding day is about you and your FI and that’s IT. If having your father (or anyone for that matter) there will distress you in anyway during what’s supposed to be a very happy day then no he shouldn’t come. I agree with some of the PP that you could cut all who deny his past behaviour towards you out, but you seem to be close to your GP so I understand that’s hard. I think you’d be best to sit down with them, explain that this is one day that you would like to be about only you and your FI and that with your father there it would become more about the problems between the two of you. If they argue I would give them the ultimatum that it’s either they come and he doesn’t, or none of them come.

    One thing that I read maybe on WB that someone did when their family was trying to force them to invite someone they didn’t want (again an abusive parent) is agree to have dinner with the parent after the wedding. This way they could get the people trying to force them to see that they were willing to work on it, just not at their wedding. I am not sure if I would want to do this, because as if he is as unpleasant as he sounds I just wouldn’t want to be around him at all, but it’s a suggestion. Best of luck!

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