Post # 1
We are trying to get some advice on how to handle invitation wording, seating, etc. My husband and I have been married 7+ years and he was given custody of his 3 children right after we married. So, I have been the primary “mom” in their lives since then due to issues their bio mother has had (no visitation, supervised visitation, jail time, etc.). Our daughter is getting married at the end of 2012 and she and I are planning the wedding together (she is involving her mother as little as possible) and I am the “mom” who went to the dress appointment and helped her pick out her gown. Bio mother is not contributing financially to the wedding, not one penny.
While we are in no way suggesting that our daughter’s bio mother be excluded from the wedding (even though none of us get along), is it appropriate to leave her name off of the invitations? I suggested to our daughter that all 3 of us sit on the front row with our respective children between us so her bio mother would not get mad. The sad fact is that our daughter has already acknowledged that her bio mother will make things difficult and make demands b/c she is her mother, even though they are not all that close.
Suggestions on how to handle bio mother during the planning and at the wedding?
Post # 3
I would focus on your relationship with your stepdaughter and be there to support her as much as possible. I would also let her call all the shots when it comes to decisions regarding her mom. You know the dyamics better then all of us, but I know that I felt a lot of pressure to include everyone and keep the peace as much as possible (more so with FI’s family then my own, both are divorced), but at the same time not stepping on my toes when there were things that I wanted to share specifically with my mom (which may be you in this situation).
I think it would be best to drop that her mom isn’t paying for anything. Her mom is still her mom regardless of if she contributes or not and your daughter may chose to still involve her in the wedding planning.
Post # 4
Can you do something like: “Bride and Groom, together with their parents, invite you to their super awesome wedding of a lifetime…” ?
Post # 5
Does your stepdaughter want her name on the invitation? The thing is, although it would be nice to never think about who’s spending what, the person paying for the wedding is technically the host and the person listed on the invitation is considered to be hosting it. My IL’s didn’t contribute to the wedding at all and their names weren’t on the invitation.
I agree it’s about SD’s wants and needs in this situation, so just let her know that you’ll back her 100% no matter what she chooses. That way she’ll feel okay including her mother knowing it won’t hurt you, but also she’ll feel okay leaving her mother out of things without guilt. I also don’t think you should worry about her mother getting mad or having a fit over what the bride decides, or at least don’t show that you’re worried. I’m guessing maybe SD is looking to you to lead by example in a way, so be the first one to tell her it’s about what SHE wants and not about what her mom wants, and show her that you’re not scared of what anyone thinks. Brides feel so much guilt as it is just trying to keep everyone happy, all you have to do is advocate for her. Happy planning!!
Post # 6
@Moja Milosc: We have told our daughter that we will do whatever it takes to make her wedding day and the planning process as wonderful as possible but she started and crying and told us that the promise was only coming from us. That just breaks my heart for her but infuriates me at th same time. We have also told her that she has to decide what she wants and let everyone know and that we will go along with her decisions. Here is the thing, our daughter is young…18 (NO, she isn’t pregnant) and tends to be a people pleaser so I don’t know how honest and firm she will be on stuff. Honestly, she looks to me for guidance on alot of issues and especially on the wedding planning and she even tells people that I am her mom. We just don’t think it’s right for her bio mother’s name to be anywhere when she never contributes to her life (and I am not just talking financially).
Post # 7
Thanks. We have to figure out a way to ask our daughter point blank how she wants to handle the invitations b/c she has already told her bio mother that she doesn’t get to make any decisions or be too involved since she isn’t paying anything.
You just have to know the situation to get a true understanding, but I won’t post that for the world to see. Believe me when I say this, though….bio mother will make everyone, including our daughter, miserable if she feels slighted in any way.
Post # 8
if she feels slighted, tell her to chip in. it doesnt seem like she has a relationship w/her daughter anyway so why give her a free ride of recognition or try to accomodate her during this wedding?
weddings make people crazy and bring out tons of egotistical drama.
i would minimize focusing on the “mom” and just lasereye focus on your daughter. negative attention is still attn so when she does attention seeking behavior, ignore it. i wouldnt include “mom” in any planning. just tell her to show up at the wedding. done.