Post # 1
I suppose I just need some advice or words of wisdom. I’ve been dating my bf for about 8yrs now; in July, he’s aware that I’m ready for marriage, and he’s talked about it with me; very minimally though. I feel sort of stuck. I don’t want to bring it up for fear that I’m pushing an issue that he’s just not ready to confront. But at the same time, I am. I don’t want a huge wedding, I want it to be personal; a getaway with our parents and siblings if they can make it.
I know he wants to be with me, but I just have this horrible feeling that I can’t seem to escape. Like, when is it my time…and what if he changes his mind next year and we aren’t together. I’ll have wasted all that time with someone that I thought I’d be spending the rest of my life with. I know it’s all extremes, but I’m just at such a loss. It makes me really sad, and makes me question what I’m doing. Any help or words of advise are more than welcome and certainly appreciated.
We both come from families of divorce. So I understand the fear, as I didn’t want to get married for a really long time. But as I’m getting older, I feel like I’m wasting my better years on something that isn’t a for sure thing. What if he does change his mind down the road and I’m stuck? I have no children, but want them, but what if I get to the age, where it’s too late?
Post # 3
The only thing you can do is sit down and have a real talk with him. Don’t be pushy or nagging or whatever, bringing it up here and there. You need to have a clear talk. Make a list of why you want to get married, and why he’s the one for you. Explain why you want to do it, and why it needs to be sooner rather than later.
As hard as it might be, laying it all out on the table is ALWAYS the best way to go. You need to make yourself abundantly clear and then put the ball in his court.
Post # 4
“I don’t want to bring it up for fear that I’m pushing an issue that he’s just not ready to confront”
It’s been 8 years. He knows by now if he wants to marry you or not, and you need to get on the same page with this. You deserve marriage if that’s what you want! You have put in 8 years, of course you want things to move forward.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
How old are you two? What ages were you when your parents split up? I think both these answers have some importance.
Post # 6
I was in a similar position to you 7+ years together, into our 30s, and no proposal or even a plan in sight.
I think you need to evaluate your position–you need to have that talk with him about if your relationship is headed towards marriage, and if so what kind of timeline he had in mind. Then you need to ask yourself those same questions. If those answers don’t match up you will have to decide if you’re willing to stay with him without marriage.
Unfortunately, in my case I uncovered a really deep rooted issue around marriage for him and basically had to push him to decide if he wanted to be together or not because it was past time to make a decision.
Fortunately, he decided that he wanted to get married and we’re engaged now, but believe me–I had to get to that breaking point where I realized I needed to move on if he decided he was never going to commit.
Looking back on it I wish I had done it a bit earlier…
Post # 7
Remember that old saying..
why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
You’re clearly not happy –
but keep in mind – getting married doesn’t guarantee a relationship will last.
Post # 8
I think you should tell him how you’re feeling. You mentioned that he knows you’re ready for marriage and that he’s talked about it. Is there any way you guys can elaborate on this conversation?
I was in a similar boat – now Darling Husband and I had been together for 9 years and had lightly discussed a future but not marriage. Until one day I sent him a message and was like ‘I want to get married here one day’ his response? ‘Wait, you want to get married?’ Boys can be clueless like that sometimes…
Post # 9
@KatyElle: This. Unless you started dating at age 15 or something, after 8 years together, there is no such thing as “not ready”.
He needs to be shaken out of his comfort zone. Sounds to me that while he may know you’d like to get married, he does not know that it is a deal-breaker issue for you (if that is in fact the case) and it’s time for you to have a real conversation where you let him know that you have dreams and goals for your life, marriage and children included, and that after 8 years he either needs to get on the bus or let it pass him by.
Post # 10
I have friends who dated for 10 years before getting engaged and are happily married with kids. My story is that I dated my x-bf for 7 years before we broke up, partly due to my fustrations of not moving forward and taking the next steps. I sort of felt he wanted to be with me and maybe we’d eventually be married.. but something was always holding him back. After we broke up and were talking again about things, I asked him what the problem was? why didnt he want to get married yet knowing I was ready for years. He said.. “he was waiting to make sure”. Wow. 7 years and not sure? I’m pretty happy to have ended things when I did… I think deep down I could sense this and it lended itself to an off feeling of insecurity in me.
Post # 11
It’s nine years for me, and we just got engaged in December….BUT, we decided 4 years ago to buy a house instead of getting married…it was a better investment….
Then we got a dog.
Now we’re engaged.
I wasn’t in a rush though….I’m 32, he’s 37….and I thought buying a house together was more important than a wedding….
Post # 12
Wow, thank you everyone for the responses. I should have elaborated a bit more. We’ve been together since I was a little over 20 years old, he was 23. I’m now 28 and he’s 31. We’ve had the “talk” trust me; several times, this is why I say I feel like I can’t bring it up, I don’t want to push or pressure him into anything he’s not ready for. I’ve even told him that I won’t have kids without being married first. To my surprise, he was like “what do you mean?” We both want kids, and we are on the same page, I just think I’m ready and he’s not. But he’s not really expressed why other than he wants to be at a certain point financially. This makes no sense to me, especially since I don’t want a traditional wedding, nor gown.
We vacation every year in Mexico, and I have told him several times, that this is when and where I’d like to have a small ceremony. We already pay for the vacation, so the ceremony would make it all that much more memorable and special.
He uses the excuse that the timing isn’t right. But when is the timing ever right? For kids or marriage?
I’ve basically already put the ball in his court, and he seems to be dribbling it. He doesn’t really have a lot of input for me, and sort of brushes the topic off quickly every time.
It’s pretty tiresome to have both sides of the family question why aren’t you married yet, and me saying, well, I don’t know! You’ll have to ask him!
Post # 13
How is your relationship overall? How satisfied are you with things like your careers, your sex life and your financial situation? How is your communication with each other? Do you share mutual friends and enjoy activities together? Do you have fun together? Would you describe your relationship as passionate and exciting?
Sometimes some men have reasons they can’t actually put into words about why they can’t take that extra step with one woman, but then another comes along who has a spark of some sort and BAM – they get married almost immediately.
Being together for 8 years isn’t enough of a reason to get married. There has to be more substance to the relationship than that. How would he feel about losing you if this is a dealbreaker for you? You need to know these things. You need to think about them.
Why do YOU want to marry HIM?
Post # 14
Honestly, after 8 years, at your ages, if he isn’t ready now, its hard to know when or if he will be. Don’t let him brush off the discussion – this is a big deal. Take the ball back. Own your life.
Post # 15
@anonabon: Are you me? Because I feel could have written this response a year and a half ago. Darling Husband had the same hesitations – finances. I think it was because he was under the impression that weddings needs to cost jillions of dollars and that immediately after getting married I’d want babies. Maybe start a conversation about finances and what your goals as a couple are and have the marriage talk spring from there.
Post # 16
The relationship is honestly great; sex and all. I really feel like we’ve come a long way, and have grown tremendously together.
We both have careers. I work from home as a web admin/webmaster. And he’s a programmer/consultant for an tech company. We’ve spent a lot of our focus on our careers. Financially we are good. No debt.
Our communication has it’s moments, but I feel overall there isn’t anything I can’t really talk to him about. And believe me, I have talked to him about this, I just feel that he already has a lot on his plate, and I hate adding to it, when I know the answer is always the same. He’s comforting and wonderful, but as the time has gone on, no question has been popped.
Sometimes I feel like he’s close, but I also feel this opposite feeling, almost a pull in the other direction. Like he’s fighting it almost; not sure if that makes sense.
Someone asked how old I was when my parents divorced. I was 4, and I don’t remember them being together at all; not a single memory. My mom has since remarried a wonderful man; my step-dad, and he’s been around since I was 5.
My bf’s parents went through fidelity issues after many many years of marriage and divorced I believe when he was 17; I want to say, but maybe a year older.
It’s odd, but I honestly don’t know if marriage is a dealbreaker for me. I love him pretty unconditionally. I can’t begin to tell you the things we’ve been through. We’ve grown so much together, and I want to continue to grow with him forever. I want to be his support in all things; and have been through several business ventures, and I want him to be mine; and he has. I admire his tenacity and his love for life. He has guided me through some very rough times, and I have him. I feel like we make a great team and I want to build on that. All things expressed before. I promise, we aren’t shy with our feelings, and he isn’t quick to sugarcoat.