Weddingbee boards

Wow, this is a great question. FI and I are both in finance, as are most of our friends, so I have seen these dynamics at work for many couples. 

My best friend is my age (just graduated college), while her BF is a few years older and makes a lot more money. She also doesn't know how much he makes and doesn't want to know (I honestly do NOT understand this at all, I feel like couples shouldn't have big secrets like that, but it works for them). Another friend is in a similar situation - her BF is doing really well at work and keeps making more and more, though she does not know how much. 

I definitely understand where you are coming from with worrying that money = arrogance = marriage problems. I personally could not see myself in a relationship with a typical finance guy because (generalization here) they think they're the sh*t because they make so much money. However, my FI is NOTHING like that and finance is his dream career. Neither of my friends' boyfriends is even close to that stereotype either. 

My thoughts are that if someone has a certain personality, you would have seen it by now. Getting a huge amount of money at one time can transform personalities, but gradual progression in his career likely will not make him a whole different person. I worry about it in my relationship, but I think staying close and knowing what's going on in each other's lives at work is a good way to avoid surprises. We talk a lot about who he hangs out with at work, those peoples' choices and personalities, and which aspects of  these choices and personalities we want to avoid. That keeps us on the same page. 

anonybride, while I admire your independence and desire to stand on your own feet I would keep in mind that it can be pretty difficult to keep separate accounts and live 'one life' together when the salaries are disprate.  Are you not going to go on expensive vacations?  And how is that fair to either of you?

I was also wondering about what @Arachna mentioned. If he makes a lot more than you but you don't let him pay for you, what happens when you want to do something that's beyond your means? 

I am likely going to choose a career in the long run where I am making a lot less money than FI, but I have no problem with him paying for me...we're one family after all :) 

EDIT: Just saw your answer...that makes sense: was just confused when you said the biggest gift he ever got you was a handbag...I guess it really was a vacation. 

It's the flip side for me.  I make about three times more than what my husband makes...which isn't hard to do considering he's in the military.  I think it all depends on what attitude you take towards wealth.  I want to make a lot of money and I want to have a high income, but my motivations for that may not be what everyone expects.  Right now I'm busting my butt to make a ton so I can pay off my debts and husband's debts, be able to provide for us both when he's out of the Army and in school, and build up a nest egg so that one day, when we have kids, I can stay home with them.  After I'm no longer in the work force, I want the husband to make a decent and successful living.  I could care less about boats, new cars, ginormous houses, etc., I just want to be able to help our family's, our kids, have a nice retirement and make our money work for us, not us working for the money.  Trust me, you can make a lot of money and not let it go to your head.  I refuse to pay for cable/dish because I think it's a waste of money to pay $60/month for something I may only watch for an hour a night.  I drive a paid off subaru w/ almost 100k miles on it and plan to drive it until it dies.  We're looking for a house in an older, more modest neighborhood even though we've been approved for a loan that would buy a much nicer and much newer home. 

Basically, what I'm getting at is no matter how much (or heaven forbid, how little) my husband and I make, we always work very very hard at staying grounded.  

As for the challenges between the income gaps, we really haven't had any.  Due to circumstance, we still have separate bank accounts.  But whenever one needs money, we just wire it over.  We kind of have that what's mine is yours thing going on.  So, even though I make a crapload more than he does our money all does the same thing; pays bills, goes into savings, etc.  The only time it became an issue was after we were married and my husband wanted to start paying my rent (he lives elsewhere until he's out of the Army).  I was like, are you freaking kidding me?  My rent is half of his takehome pay a month.  He felt like he needed to be "taking care of me" now that I was his wife.  I told him the money would be better spent going into a savings account where it could really take care of "us" by providing us security. 

My husband makes about 3 to 4 times more than me.  When we lived together we had a joint checking account that we both put X amount into and we paid bills from there.  Back then though we had more comparable salaries.

Now though, it's a bit tougher.  His salary of course goes to more household stuff, but he pulls more out for his IRA/Savings etc than I do.  I pull my own money out for my separate savings account and ROTH.  His pays for our car insurance and life insurance etc. 

Honestly, when it comes down to it, everyone needs a bit of their own money.  Whether it's to buy X Box games, shoes or really expensive undies, none of us love telling the other how much those Tory Burch's really cost, or how much X Box live ($50!!!!) is a month. 

Do what feels comforatble.  If your friends are asking, tell them to butt out b/c finances are never cut and dry and differ for everyone.

Just to elaborate on what I meant by the vacations not being fair to either of you.  I'm in a field where I hope to make very good money (am making good money now but am burdened with loans, :( and it should increase a lot) and one (not the only one and not the most important one) of the drivers for me to earn money is that I want to be able to afford nice stuff.  Like being able to take a really nice vacation in the future is important to me.  To me that's what makes the crazy hours worth it.  :)  So is it fair for you to deny him the perks of his money?  And if he does go on that vacation how is it fair for you to miss out?  And how is good for your marriage to be apart during the vacation?

Also, I know I'd be sad if I couldn't share my successes with my FI.

However, I think your concerns do have a basis in truth.  Financially well off people have a lot of opportunities to cheat and a lot of opportunities to drift away from their partners (just due to time issues).  I think arrogance does absolutely play a part in infedelity and things like that. But, just like using statistics in your real life using trends is problematic - what matters are the particular individuals the two of you are and your relationship.  I would worry based on his relationship with money and arrogance and fidelity not with what other people's relationships with money are like.  At the same time try to take a sober and long look at him and see what he is like regarding these things - love can often blind us if we want to be blinded but if you have good reason to think his personality is compatible with yours maybe try to relax.  You can't spend your life vigilant - that's no way to live.