Dating somebody' who's sober when you're not?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

If you want to support him, then you have to stay away from alcohol as well. You’re right that the two are not compatible. If you want to have a beer with friends while away from him, fine. Otherwise, you two need to find something new to do with your time. Honestly, drinking isn’t much of a hobby anyway.

Post # 3
Member
2280 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

I can sort of see where you’re coming from because I wouldn’t begin to date someone that didn’t drink, but I think as someone you intended to spend the rest of your life with that you should really be trying to support him through this.  If it turns out that this “lifestyle” is driving you two apart, then so be it, but to not even try seems unfair.

Post # 4
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

MissFormaldehyde:  my mil is in AA and NA, but because she works the steps constantly and is in recovery she can be around alcohol. My fil still drinks and goes out with his friends. i will say they don’t keep the house as stocked with the stuff that was her favorite anymore. I don’t see this as being a deal breaker. in the beginning, yea you will need to help him stay strong, but as long as he is constantly working the steps and going to meetings/working with his sponso. You should still be able to drink in front of him, that’s just my opinion and what I have seen being around my mil and her AA buddies.

Post # 5
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If he takes his sobriety seriously I think your lifestyles will eventually become incompatible. I think it’s important to support him by not drinking/using around him at least. 

 

Post # 6
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Guess I’ll be changing my user name

But back to the post. Sober and unsober doesnt fit sometimes. I have had that issue with a bf of my past. Also if someone is an alcoholic and your not you have to decide if you want to give that part of your life up.

Post # 8
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Given your past with this guy, I have a really hard time seeing how either of you drinking could be a good thing….

Post # 10
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You will probably have to go sober for a little while, but once he gets further along on the road to recovery he should be able to deal with the presence of alcohol. It’s possible but it might just take work on your part. 

Post # 11
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

My opinion is that most people don’t actually have a drug and/or alcohol problem. What they have is a coping problem, and they use substances to plaster over the cracks and fill the void. Once the coping problem is solved/the void is filled, the substance in question is a whole lot less tempting.

And once the underlying issues are on the way to being fixed, I don’t see why you shouldn’t be able to have a drink or two around him, especially seeing as his issue was with drugs, not alcohol. You just won’t be able to be as much of a lush any more. But then, you’ll have to give up drinking for a while if you get pregnant anyway, right? So this is like… practise for that…

Post # 12
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

For my situation it was hard for me to imagine not ever being able to go to Vegas and have a fun weekend and drinking or not being able to have wine at dinner. My ex was such a severe alcoholic that I literally had to live his addiction with him in order to stay with him. That wasnt something I was willing to do. But everyones situations are different.

Post # 14
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you’re in a relationship with someone in recovery, you have to be supportive of their efforts. You can drink if you want, but you should respect their request to not drink around them, not build a social life around a bar, etc. especially in the difficult early stages of recovery. the change in behaviors doesn’t have to drive you apart, but the fact that you’re already worried about that happening doesn’t make me believe you fully support his decision nor recognize your role in his recovery. Go to some Al-Anon meetings. Learn what you’re signing up for, and if you can’t support his efforts (which may mean making some sacrifices) then you need to end the relationship.

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