Post # 1
re: engagment- My SO told me that he thinks I am rushing things (we have been together 2.5 years). He also thinks that living together for 1 year is not long enough. He asked his friend, who agreed that living togethet 1 year is not long enough.
Am I completely off my rocker? I’m lot saying he should be ready, but I think, by NorthAmerican standards, on average, this is not a “rushed” time frame. Is it maybe cultural?? SO and his friend are British… British bees, what’s your take?
Post # 2
We’ve been living together for almost 2 years. But please, please, do not base your relationship on numbers. I’ve had relationships that have lasted much longer than this, but didn’t amount to this kind of relationship. Just be keen and know what you are looking for, and do not settle. I even dated a British man, but do not think his charming accent has anything to do with your longterm happiness. Be happy and get married, by all means, but do not settle. That’s all I know.
Post # 3
No you are not off your rocker. And just so you know, you are not the one counting numbers, or time – he is. There is no such thing as one year not being enough & his biddy agrees. Oh please. Don’t even entertain that. His buddy is not remotely part of your relationship. It’s between the two of you. Be realistic, put yourself in your FI shoes, find the ground between the two of you & go from there.
Post # 4
I am in the UK and i would have to agree that we do things a little slower here. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, every relationship moves at a different pace but I’ve been with my SO for 4.5 years, living together for 3 of those and we are not yet engaged (although I’m pretty sure it is coming soon) the same situation goes for most of my friends too. That doesnt mean in your case you will have to wait this long. Talk to him, tell him it is important to you!
Post # 5
Dreaming42: the fact that his buddy is part of this conversation shows that he’s not ready, regardless of how long you’ve been together.
Is his buddy going to chime in when it’s time to buy a house, raise your children, etc.? Until he can make decisions with you and only you, I don’t think he’s marriage material, unless you would be happy with a partner that looks outside the relationship to validate his POV.
Post # 6
Dreaming42: As other people have mentioned, it really depends on the individual couple. I’m based in the UK and I know friends who got engaged after 6 months together (yet they’re still not married). Me and FI have been together for 4 yrs before we got engaged in June. This feels just right for us.
Even though you feel ready to get married, it sounds like your OH needs more time. I would suggest enjoying each other living together and you never know, he might be thinking about marriage soon. In my circumstances we bought a house first and that is a lot of commitment. Please don’t rush him because that could really backfire. There is no rush to get married, is there?
Post # 7
As a British bee, we were together a year and a half before we moved in together and it was another 4 years before he asked me to marry him. We’ll be getting married 2 days after our 7th anniversary! Yes, it did take longer than I thought for him to propose but I knew it would happen one day and I also knew that he was the man for me and worth waiting for. Please don’t compare your situation to others because every man is different and will want to do things his way. If you love him and are happy then I don’t see the harm in waiting!
Post # 8
I’m from the UK, he proposed on our 7 year anniversary. We were living together a month after we started dating.
I think generally in the UK we do move a bit slower. I have 3 friends who are also getting married next year and they will have been with their partners 10, 7 & 5 years. I do know people who have moved much more quickly but it my circle of friends it is more unusual. I think age is a big factor as well, none of my friends have got married before the age of 27.
Every relationship is different and you need to do what’s right for you. There is no perfect length of time to be together before getting married.
Post # 9
This has nothing to do with him being British. Nothing. At. All.
If a man’s not ready, he’s not ready.
Post # 10
Not British but…When you move in with your boyfriend there is simply nonincentive for them to propose. They already have the wife perks with out the pesky commitment or responsibilities. One year living together is certainly long enough to know if you want to marry someone. If you’re young and don’t have a stable life /students thats one thing, if you’re adults and he still says he’s not sure about you and needs another year… That’s not a good indication I don’t think. You shouldn’t have to be auditioning to be his wife for the next year. I refused to move in with out a ring because I did not want to waste time in the live in bf stage waiting waiting nagging for a proposal like I have seen sooooo many ladies do. You want me around all the time? Well then you can marry me.
Post # 11
MrsBuesleBee: Well as she is already living with him I’m not sure what you are trying to achieve with that comment.
Plenty of people live together before an engagement and go on to have long, happy marriages. A lot of people would not be willing to marry somebody they had never lived with.
As far as what the incentive to propose is, I would assume because they also want to get married. Shouldn’t that always be why someone proposes, not so that they’ll move in with them.
Post # 12
Dreaming42: There is no magic number. A man will propose when he decides that he wants to marry you. Sometimes it takes them a long time to decide, and that’s not necessarily a good thing. I would be less concerned with him not being ready, then him thinking that there is a certain amount of time that you have to live together or a certain path you have to take before proposing. It takes a lot of the emotional component out of a very emotional decision, and that sounds a lot like my ex.
In my experience, I dated a guy for over 6 years (the perviously noted ex), lived with him for 5, and it took him that long to realize that he didn’t want to marry me. I dated my FI for a year, lived together for 6 months before he proposed.
Post # 13
there is a saying, ” why buy the cow when you get the milk for free.”
before DH moved in with me (after 1.5 years together), we had talked about marriage and knew it was in our future. i told him, if he moved in, we would have to be officially engaged within 6 months. i know my DH, he’s a procrastinator and if he didn’t have deadlines, things would never get done.
i don’t know how old you are, but 1 year of living together is plenty of time to really get to know someone, especially after being with them for 2.5 years.
Post # 14
Thanks ladies. 🙂 I appreciate all comments.
I know there’s no magic number and I can wait until he is ready. We were just talking and he told me that when I first (casually) brought up marriage just before our 2nd anniversary, he was completely shocked because he hadn’t even seen it on the horizon, whereas for me, I’d been thinking about it for a while and just assumed that is where we would be heading if things continued along the path we were on.
We have been speaking about it and he just doesn’t feel ready quite yet. I just needed him to confirm that it wasn’t because he was still trying to decide if I was the one or not, because I think if he had doubts at this point, then maybe I’m not the right one for him. He reassured me that isn’t the case, so I’m happy to wait on him, but he told me that he reallay thinks it’s crazy to be saying that I am ready to get married after a year of living together (we are late 20s). I told him I didn’t think so, and I think he asked his friend just for someone else’s opinion (just as I am asking all of you) to make sure he wasn’t way off base.
I really don’t mind waiting until he is ready as it is a big step and I know I want to spend my life with him. I was just curious about his comment, because to me, the amount of time we have been together really doesn’t seem like we are “rushing.”
I am hoping that I can update the bees in the next 8-10 months with some news of a proposal. Until then, SO and I have agreed that we are happy with what we have, and if he needs more time to wrap his head around putting up with me for a lifetime, I’m happy to give that to him. Lol
Post # 15
FutureMrsTrampy: yes that should be the incentive, but moving in with out clear where is this heading talks leads to disappointment all time when expectations re marriage arent aligned (precisely what the OP is experiencing) and it’s worth it to me to point out there are other options because if she felt like he wasn’t sure about her and just placating her by living together and playing house she could move out!
And I wouldn’t marry someone I havent lived with either- I have a long engagement. Not saying it’s the only way but going into cohabitiation with out crystal clear communication and honesty re: marriage expectations plans and hopes can put you in a hard spot.