(Closed) Daughter Marrying a Man 20 years older. 25 & 45.

posted 3 weeks ago in 40 Something
Post # 2
Member
3848 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m 26 and I wish I was having babies yesterday.  I’m also finishing my Master’s and loving my career.  My husband is not 20 years older than me, but that has nothing with what I’m doing with my life.  Stop worrying about the age gap.  Your daughter is going to live her life how she wants to with this guy, without him, or with another guy.

Post # 2
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it’s up to your daughter to decide if she cares what other people think or not. While many will say it’s too big an age difference, at the end of the day, your daughter is old enough to have the capability to consider your concerns for herself, and it sounds like you do think he’s a good man (in spite of the age issue). If your daughter were any younger, say…18 wanting to marry a 40 year old, I’d say she likely doesn’t have the cognizance to truly consider all of your concerns. But at 25, she has the right to make this decision on her own and free from judgement. Just my thoughts. 

Post # 4
Member
4601 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

beeingamama :  They sound like a good match from what you have said.  My DH and I have a 23 year age gap.  We are well suited to one another and have been happy together for 11 years now – married almost three.  We don’t give any thought to what others think.  🙂

Post # 5
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Not your decision, you can worry, but it will not change anything. 

Post # 6
Member
895 posts
Busy bee

I am personally not a fan of such a large age gap, but it is your daughter’s decision to make.

Post # 7
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2021

Iʻm 25 and my fiance is 38. I think my parents would have a cow if he was 45. 38 was hard enough for them to understand. BUT heʻs a wonderful man I adore who has shown me what love truly is in a healthy relationship so theyʻve come around a bit but itʻs definitely a “shocker” to people in my life when I say the numbers out loud. His family has made “youʻre SO young!” comments to me when we casually mention wanting a baby yet were really shocked when I said that I owned my own house and had an advanced degree, when their son does not so really our relationship is OUR relationship between him and I. So while I wish so much we werent 13 years apart, I cant imagine being with anyone else. Be on her team no matter what and be there for her for whatever comes. My parents have made it clear they have my back no matter what i choose and that means so much. It takes the fear out of “failing” so theyʻll still be involved if I fall again and thatʻs whatʻs important 🙂 You sound like a great mom to have 

Post # 8
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Cottage

beeingamama :  

Yes 20 years is too much (for me) but if it isn’t for them, then by all means… What people think is their business.. no need to be concerned about that… and when it comes to TTC.. that is your daughter’s and her man’s decision and I would stay it of it entirely. People do have careers and do travel while and after having kids. 

As for her sharing all her relationship details…  not healthy… maybe as a young woman that is okay.. but now she is in a long term, stable mature relationship and there should be some distance or boundaries.. Yes the mother-daighter bond is very unique and special.. but being each other’s confidante is never a good idea, I’m saying this from experience (Im the daughter)

 

Post # 9
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Are you worried about the age gap, or are you worried about them trying for a child immediately (presumably due to him being 45)? Would you be concerned if she married someone of similar age and still wanted a child immediately?

Your post is unclear as to your real concern.

People have children at 25 all the time, and still live fulfilling lives and continue with their careers afterwards.

Personally I think age is irrelevant if they are happy and work well together.

Post # 10
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

I’m 21 and wouldn’t date someone who was 20 or even 10 years older. That’s too much of a gap for me. 

Yes, she will be limiting her opportunities if she starts TTC immediately. But it sounds like that’s the life she wants…so that’s the life she will have. It sounds like they love each other.

Post # 11
Member
537 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think it’s “ideal”, but it seems she plans to go ahead with it. Does she know you have reservations about it? xo

Post # 12
Member
4025 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

I have a little different perspective, as my dad was 22 years older than my mum. Everyone thought he was my grandfather, and he had some pretty serious chronic health issues later in life. He died at what was the average age for a man at the time (72, although the average age has gone up slightly since then), but my mum was only 50 and I was in high school.

People are fond of saying that anyone can die suddenly, and that’s true. But statistically, older people have health issues more often and are more likely to die of all sorts of causes. The ages are not an issue now because a 45 year old man is still healthy and strong. But regardless of how healthy he is now, there is no denying that she will likely be dealing with his health issues or his inevitable decline when she is around 50. That sounds quite old for a 25 year old, but it isn’t.

As others have said, this isn’t your decision to make. I’d rather you accept it and have good continuing relations with your DD than to make a big deal of it and alienate her. But I think very few young women can really appreciate what she might be getting herself into. 

Post # 13
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I personally think the age gap is too much and too young for babies but that’s my opinion. I would never do it but it’s her life. 

Post # 14
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Having dated many older men, my main concern would be the fact that a 45-year-old man is at the same developmental stage/maturity level as  a 25-year-old. This was something I kept noticing with the older men I dated. I was 13-18 years younger than them, but somehow I seemed to be the more mature one, and I was still growing. But at the end of the day, this is your daughter’s choice. If she hasn’t shared with you any signs of concern regarding their relationship, I’d say it would be best to offer support.

Also: they’ve never had a blowout fight? I’d recommend getting that out of the way before they get married, because it’s definitely going to happen sooner or later!

Post # 15
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee

I personally think that 20 years of an age difference is too much…. but that said, it’s your daughter’s life and her decision to make.

I think what’s exceedingly important is that he’s a good, decent, guy who loves and respects her and who will treat her well. IF  he is those things (and it sounds like he is) I would rather that she be with him rather than a younger guy who may not not have such wonderful qualities. 

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