- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
I was gonna go anon for this but I decided that it wouldnt matter. So a little back story.
DH and I got married back in January, have been together for more than two years. His daughter from his previous marriage has had severe abandonment issues because her mother basically abandoned her and her sister and hasnt had anything to do with with them. For all intents and purposes Im their mom. They refer to me as mom. The youngest one doesnt have any issues whatsoever. DH for a very long time has tried to make up for the fact that her mom basically doesnt care about her. So I noticed when DH and I were dating she would say things that werent true. She would lie to get kids in trouble, specifically her sister and my kids. SHe would literally gloat about it. She has done some really horrible things to other kids as well.
I demanded that DH, FI at the time get her some help. It was out of control. So she went back to therapy and it was a great bit of help. All total she has been in therapy for 3 years. She is 11 years old.
Recently she has started telling lies again. I know all kids lie but these are lies that could really hurt people. Case in point. She didnt get her way at a family event so she lied to the adults about something the other kids were doing, supposedly they were doing something illegal and all of the parents were distressed and they punished their children accordingly. Well we found out a few days later, we overheard her discussing it with a friend, that she only went and told on them and made up stuff because they didnt want to do what she wanted to do. We had to call the parents and apologize. We made her apologize to each and every child.
We explained that her lying could have caused kids to be sent to juvenile and their parents could have had to deal with social services and lose their kids and things like that. We thought she understood that lying like that was very bad.
Fast forward to a week ago, her school had a book fair. Well she yells out to her teacher that she saw a little girl steal a book. Her teacher ask her what she saw. She said ” I saw her pick up a book and she didnt pay for it and she left the library. So she is really happy about this. She comes home and informs us of this little tidbit and she is gloating about it. I got really upset and asked her how she knew the girl stole the book. Did she ask if the girl had paid for it or what. She said no but she took it. Well I called the school and wasnt able to speak with the teacher. Next day she comes back home to explain that the girl didnt take the book she had already paid for it. I said well she left the room so maybe it was a mistake on your part..She says no she just sat down with it. I told her that wasnt what she had said previously. Her teacher finally calls me and tells me that the little girl had prepaid, she never left the room and didnt steal anything. The teacher had a talk with our daughter and advised her that she needed to be more careful about making accusations. Again we made her apologize to the little girl.
So fastforward to three days ago. They had a substitute in their class because their teacher was out. She is a very nice lady but she is by the book. Well my daughter comes home and says the teacher was nasty to her friend. I say what happened? Needless to say that the little girl was doing something she wasnt suppose to, and the substitute sent her to the office. My daughter is really mad about this. So I said well its none of your business what happens and when a teacher tells you to do something your suppose to comply.
Yesterday she comes home to tell me the sub has been fired for hitting a student. I said who told you that..she said my teacher did. I said really? Teachers and principals cant fire other teachers, I said are you sure she said oh yes that nasty teacher is not coming back to our school. So I call the school very concerned that a sub hit a student and very concerned that it shouldnt be discussed with a child. So they tell me the principal will call me back. By this time my daughter is crying. She tells me that she didnt necessarily tell the truth and I said what about and she said I dont know.
Vice Principal calls me back and says that my daughter made an allegation that the sub hit a student. She told the vice principal she saw the student get hit. Well I asked her flat out what did you see. She said I didnt see her hit her, I heard about it from someone else and reported it. I said you told a lie. She knew it was a lie, thats why she didnt want me to call the school. So back to school we went, I made her tell the truth, I made her apologize to her regular teacher and write a note to the sub apologizing. She had been relieved of duty while it was being investigated.
Her therapist says that its a symptom of her abandonment. She is seeking attention and that to her it feels good to tell on someone because some one is paying attention to her. We have notified the school, and now basically she doesnt have any friends because they are fearful of being around her for fear of getting in trouble. We as a family have tried to do anything and everything to help her. The therapist says to call her on it, and to keep explaining that her actions are not the kind of attention she wants.
It doesnt phase her. Therapist says to punish her with removal of her things, except that doesnt work because we took her things away and she still lies. She even told me “I will let you keep my stuff so thats my punishment.” She apologizes and then a week later she does it again. Im thinking a spanking might remind her that there is a painful consequence and that lying is not good attention seeking. Maybe a spanking will reinforce that lying is bad and that you cant tell things that could send someone to jail. I explained that jail was a bad place and she said whatever. I was spanked as a child and I learned that if I caused hurt to someone then I would get my butt whipped and know not to do it again,.
DH doesnt believe in spanking and that we should just keep her things but thats obviously not helping.
Any ideas bees? Also sorry for the post being so long. BTW the school informed me that every week she comes to their office to tell on someone for something and each incident has to be investigated and each and every time each accusation has been disproved but because of the nature of the accusations they have to investigate. The Vice Principal this very morning called her the KGB