Post # 1
She’s very much in love but could care less about a wedding and reception. They are both in their 30’s. They are going to have a small wedding and reception (less than50). She really is not excited about planning but sees it as more of an obligation. Any tips or suggestions as to how to get through this?
Post # 2
Does she not want this reception? Is it something families are forcing upon her?
Post # 3
Wedding planning actually is not fun to some people and you can’t force her to enjoy it or get enthused. If she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t like it. You can either accept that she will do it out of obligation only (which really is not a negative thing— everyone does stuff they don’t want to because they feel obligated to) and set your expectations accordingly, or you can encourage her to hire a wedding planner.
Post # 4
Why does this even matter? As long as she’s excited for her MARRIAGE, the wedding shouldn’t count. Just be happy she’s happy, and let the wedding go however she wants it, if she wants it at all.
Post # 5
I was not excited for this, either, neither was my husband. It’s why we went to the courthouse. I am excited for my marriage, however! Don’t confuse the two!
Post # 7
It can be disappointing if a daughter is not excited for wedding planning because in the movies it is shown as a thrilling time of female bonding full of beauty, excitement and parties.
I love weddings and hearing about all possible details, but I know that many people dread this stage of their lives.
In reality, there are a lot of unromantic details and dull things that can sap the fun out of planning. You will not be able to make your daughter love planning these giant parties, but you can have fun with her.
If your daughter is not enjoying the planning, my suggestion is to plan some fun “wedding-free” days with her, with no wedding talk allowed. This way, she can get a break from all the decision-making and just enjoy your company. Think of things she and you would love to do together, whether it’s a day at the spa, a hike in the forest, or bowling, and spend some time with her (if possible).
If you live far away from each other, offer her the chance to call you whenever she needs to talk about something OTHER than the wedding, in case she just gets overwhelmed. Even if you just talk about a TV show you both like, you will get to bond and share this time together, and having the guaranteed wedding-free time may even make the experience more fun for both of you.
Post # 8
I was absolutely not enthusiastic even in the tiniest amounts. Planning a wedding, or a party in general, is not fun for me. I do not get excited over it, I didn’t care about themes, or colors, or seating charts, or who eats what, the music… I just didn’t care. I wanted to just get it done.
Don’t pressure her to be enthusiastic or you may push her away. I planned my wedding with my mother but I did not enjoy a single part of it. It was tedious, it sucked away all my free time from things I wanted to do. Just accept that some people just don’t get excited for weddings or planning parties in general.
Post # 9
Sounds like me, OP. We do not care about a wedding and/or if someone is disappointed that they won’t see us get married or go to a reception. We just want a marriage. We don’t want a wedding or the stress that comes with planning and executing a wedding. I have no desire to look at dresses, look for venues, have a shower, create registries, etc. So, we’re eloping. I am watching a bunch of my friends stress and I just sit back all calm, cool, and collected because we’re going to City Hall.
Being on this website has made it crystal clear that eloping is the perfect choice for us. It’s not for everyone … but neither is planning a wedding!
Post # 10
Thank you all so much for your candid advice. I truly appreciate it.
Since they actually are having a small wedding and reception to accommodate family, I have tried to take as much stress off of her as possible by doing as much legwork as possible. I try not to ask her about anything unless he brings it up first. But if they are going to go through with a wedding and reception, she is going to have to get involved. Otherise, it feels like MY wedding and not hers. I would prefer that she elope if she is this miserable planning a wedding. She has said that she wants a simple, classic, mid-day ceremony with a small reception. But she just isn’t into it. I guess one of my questions is if she still wants to go through with a small ceremony and reception with family and a few friends, am I out of line to do a lot of the planning and simply present things to her for her approval?
Thanks, again, for your help!!!!!!!
Post # 11
If she’s not making any moves as far as planning goes, I would take that as a big sign that she is not interested in having a ceremony or reception.
I wouldn’t present her with any plans for approval unless she asks for you to do so. Let her come to you if/when she is ready to plan or if she wants you to take over the planning.
The only thing I would do is simply let her know you are there to help if and/or when she needs it.
Post # 12
mhefner: if you are willing to do the planning and she is happy with that solution there is certainly nothing wrong with that.
Its not that uncommon for women to not be interested in planning a wedding. Maybe you and she should sit down and have a heart to heart.
Post # 13
I was in the opposite situation–I was totally into wedding planning and I was really hoping my mom would get excited about it, too. But I soon realized that my fantasies about us bonding over cake flavors and her crying when I found my wedding dress weren’t going to happen, and it made me sadder than I could’ve imagined. She did do things to help me, but it was like pulling teeth. I guess I should feel lucky she did anything at all seeing as I knew she didn’t think I should get married, but it really put a damper on what I had expected to be a really happy time and caused quite a bit of stress.
OP, I completely understand being crestfallen when your expectations of someone’s wedding-related behavior don’t match reality. All I can really say is that it is what it is. If your daughter isn’t into wedding planning, nothing you can say is going to change that. It may not be that she doesn’t *want* a wedding; she just might not be a good planner (I don’t know, is she?). Some people get overwhelmed and don’t know where to even start. If that’s the case she might be grateful for you taking charge!
Post # 14
Honestly, I would just say ‘I know the big, crazy wedding isn’t your thing. I want you to have the wedding that makes you happy. Are you thinking about doing a lot of the planning yourself, or would you like me to send you some ideas that are in budget?’ That way you’re offering your help in a way that doesn’t seem like you’re trying to take over. And don’t be offended if she says she doesn’t need help, she may be more comfortable handling this herself.
Post # 15
I was enthusiastic about planning when it was in the Pinterest stage, but then it just became a nightmare, especially as time went on and more and more family members heaved their expectations and thoughts (which were really just more expectations) onto me. It was terrible, there were so many breakdowns during my planning process, ugh.
She might just be doing the ceremony thing to appease you and the family, it really REALLY matters to a lot of moms (though you seem to want to support her no matter what she wants – maybe she doesn’t know that and feels like she has to please the family – maybe not even your family, maybe HIS family). I’d just ask her if she’d like you to help her plan and bring things to her for approval. I’d be weirded out by it if it was me, lol, but my mom DID try to shove in a bunch of crap that wasn’t my schtick. Some I left, some I nixed, some I changed. *shrug* Just ask her.