He is 42 it's not even like he is in his early 20's anymore! I don't think he will change, he is who he is at 42! I just feel hurt he rather smoke up and be unemployed than be a responsible adult who wants a career and start a family! He tells me that money shouldn't matter and I should know he is going to get a job and we should just try to have a child! Things just don't feel right anymore, I don't even know if they ever did! I think I am just afraid to be alone!
If you don't want this type of lifestyle with your husband you may have to leave him. 42 and not changing unless he doesn't want to lose you. Good luck.
I think you might be right! I met him when I was 25 and I thought he was cute and didn't mind as much about his work ethic and his pot usage but now I am in my 30's and I want to start a family and this is still continuing! The only person to blame is myself if I chose to stay in this marriage! It is just so hard to say goodbye and I keep thinking he is going to change but he doesn't :(
My dad is 43 and engaged. He and his fiance have been having similar problems (not the unemployment, but getting high). I've told her since day one that he's been the exact same way since he was 16, and HE IS NOT CHANGING FOR ANYBODY. She refuses to listen and is pushing through the engagement so she doesn't have to start over.
Please, please, please be smarter than her and get out! Luckily you don't have kids yet, it will still be difficult of course but is probably the best option for you to be happy. You deserve someone who wants to make the sacrifices needed to be an adult and in a healthy relationship.
Please don't have kids with a man who is a drug abuser. It won't be a healthy relationship for them.
@FutureMrsJohnson_: Does his fiancee smoke up too? Does she think he will stop once they get married? I have never smoked up with him, he knows I hate it! I was so foolish to think once we got married things would change, they didn't, if anything they got worse! I am afraid to drive, he drives me to work and picks me up and tonight when he picked me up he was high so we got into an argument! I am afraid to leave him then I will have to wake up extra early and take the bus and he thinks I need him for a ride so he takes advantage! I have to learn to be more independant or I am just going to waste my life away on a loser!
@Treeline: I haven't and I won't! I met him at 25 and I am 33 now! The only way I will have kids with him is if he sees a counsellor and gets help!
@MRS-K: Girl get your license, I didn't get mine until I was 25 because I was afraid, I'm now 33 and can't believe I didn't drive until later in life. Good luck with whatever choice you make regarding your husband.
@MRS-K: They've been together for almost four years now, and she said she used to smoke with him every once in a while. But that's all he ever wants to do on the weekends, he'll even smoke in his truck on the way home from work (probably on the way to work too, who knows).
He told her he would quit on his 40th birthday. He stopped smoking weed but started smoking cloves A LOT. Like as much if not more than weed. That lasted 6 months. Then he started getting high again, but hiding it from her and denying it when she asked him. He kept lying about it until he got so fed up with her "nagging" and said that he would quit when he was ready, not when she forced him to.
Now, they've agreed he can smoke as much as he wants until the wedding (July 2013) but she still punishes him for doing it.
Needless to say, they're relationship isn't a healthy one. I don't even like being around them for long periods of time, and I feel sorry for my little brothers cause they get stuck with them when they're going at each other.
@mishagirls79: I am also 33 and I think the reason I didn't get my license is because he would drive me wherever I wanted to go! I am going to take the bus to work one day this week and not get a ride from him and then go take the written test for my driver's license! No more putting this off, it is time for me to make some positive changes in my life! :)
This. I waited to get my license until I was 24 and so regret it! That will be a major step towards independence for you :)
@Treeline: Yes weed as far as I know! Also sometimes he drinks excessively too!
Alright, I've been the perfect angel my whole life but from what I have heard is even if you smoke weed ALOT you do it before work, lunch break and after work. I mean there really is no reason to miss days of work. I would be more suspicious that he either has a drinking problem or he's into harder substances.
You have to leave. Step one: schedule a day this week to take the written test and do it.
@MRS-K: forget the marriage counselor! Work on yourself, because it sounds like you are pretty much done with him you know he's not going to change. Don't waste your time on him anymore, take care of you!
At any age that is horrible behavior. You can love him and he can have his good sides but clearly if getting stone takes precedence over going to work and providing a stable enviorment together as couple to raise children in.
I think before throwing in the towel, you can give him ultimating to check himself into a program and for him to take concrete steps towards building a sober life. At a certain point no matter how much you love him and whatever other good points he may have you will have to choose between your wellbeing and best interest and him.
I hope you pick yourself. You can't make someome change if they don't have don't want to on their own, if he doesn't wake up and realize what he has and what he will lose, then he doesn't deserve it.
Giiiiiirrrrllll....this man needs to get his shizznit together.
How fucking ridiculous can an individual be.
I mean really.
And people that say money doesn't matter...
...well I never bought a Big Mac with hugs, ya know what I mean?
I was 22 when I got my license and while I still at 33 dont enjoy driving I do it. You can make positive changes in your life. If you are unhappy then own it and change it. You deserve better then a deadbeat. I am so glad you see that.
He is an adult and chooses to make selfish and immature choices in a relationship.
Sounds like he has always been like this..marriage didn't change anything and you are totally right about how you should NOT have children with him.
I would see if you could get yourself some time away...stay with a family member or friend. Take time to reevaluate and let him reevaluate, see where you both land and go from there.
So sorry this is happening to you, wishing you the best!
Thanks ladies for all your advice! :) I can't talk to some of my friends and of course co-workers about what is going on so it is nice to be able to vent on here! Unfortunately he doesn't think he has a problem and doesn't even admit to smoking pot today or most days unless I find his stash! So I do not think he is willing to get help when he is denying what is going on! We don't sleep in the same room anymore, we are no longer intimate and all we do is fight! I keep to myself a lot and just watch tv or come on here.
Is anyone else going through anything like this? Does anyone elses husband have some kind of substance abuse? Well gotta go to bed now. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
Neither FH or I do drugs, BUT some of our friends do weed, yet ALL of them have jobs (one even owns his own bussiness, and he is the heaviest smoker of all). How is it he can afford to smoke weed all day with his mates on unemployment?
He's being irresponsible and immature in suggesting you have a child at this point and i'm SO glad you see that. If he thinks having a baby while smoking weed and collecting unemployment is a good idea, I don't know what to say. Is he addicted? Are you sure he's been smoking with his friends? I wouldn't think weed would be a reason to miss 2 weeks of work, the guys I know smoke before and after, or at lunch if they can. At least one of these people are addicted, but they aren't skipping work to smoke all day.
It might be a good idea to a) get him into an addiction program and let him know that you have no intention of staying married to a stoner and b) find some sort of therapist that can figure out wtf his problem with keeping a job is. Next time he says money shouldn't matter, i'd tell him you hope he can buy his weed with rainbows then, seeings how money doesn't matter to him, he should put you in charge of the finances :p
Good luck OP, I hope this gets resolved.
I have only tried pot twice in my life so I am not sure of the side affects but I think one of them is it makes you lazy? I thought that is why he can't keep a full time job!
I smoke, like maybe ONCE a day if that. After work, after my chores are done. It is called responsible use and it's no different than someone having a glass of wine or a beer. I have always been this way, and never had the desire to move on to "harder" drugs. I have never understood how people can "indulge" in their drug of choice (including alcohol) to the point that it interferes with their work or responsibilities. I also get very irritated when people blame the drugs themselves for the irresponsible behavior.
@trueblue14: Well I guess he over indulges! I guess it's just like if you have a glass of wine you are not going to have a hangover but if you have a whole bottle than that is another story! I wouldn't care if he did it once a day after he finished work if he had a job! I think this all started because I told him I didn't want him to do it at all so he would skip work to do it which is really irresponsible! Also his dad died last December and that has made his drug use worse! :(
Are you sure he's just smoking weed? With my ex, who smoked and also drank, he was fine for years and then he started hanging out with some new people and started getting into coke and "bath salts" (???) and he basically became a poor excuse of a human being. That's when I said NO MORE!
I am pretty sure it's just excessive pot use and sometimes excessive drinking! He has tried coke before and he didn't like it! I have found little bits of left over weed left around in the bathroom and even found a joint in his cigarette pack! He denies he even smokes it even when I find evidence! I am really thinking about moving on! I am 33 and need a real man!
If I found out that my boyfriend was smoking pot before we got engaged, I'd probably break up with him before it got any farther.
I am extremely anti-drug. I don't mind RESPONSIBLE alcohol consumption, but even things like cigarettes and houkah would be a deal-breaker for me.
After getting married though? That's a little messier. Vows were made, and he's not keeping his end, but I don't know if you should throw in the towel right away.
I think before I totally kicked him to the curb, I'd have to insist on both some heavy addiction counseling and also couples counseling.
But mostly... I just don't think I'd have been able to marry a pot-smoker in the first place. :/ I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
@MRS-K: I am sorry you are going through this. Even if it "is just weed", it is still an addiction. My oldest daughter's dad suffered from addiction-he started out with weed and later went on to use cocaine and ecstasy. It completely destroyed our relationship. He never beat his addication and he died from an overdose last year.
Counceling and a comittment to quiting would be a requirement for me to stay in that kind of relationship. If he lies about using and isn't open to counceling, there isn't much more you can do.
@MrsMeNow: +1
Just because it's weed doesn't mean it's an addiction. People can become addicted to many substances that are non-addictive for others: gambling, video games, eating... just about anything really.
Addiction can be a psychological disorder as much as it is a physical one.
@rachelmichelle: I met him when I was 25 and at the time I had a bf well he was supposed to be my fiance he gave me an egagement ring but no date was set and he was very distant! He never wanted to see me, he never called me, I would go a month without seeing my ex and then my now husband I met him and he always had the time for me and made me feel like a priority! I wish I could tell me 25 yr old self to not settled that there will be other guys that will pay attenton to me and not smoke pot but I got attached and the rest is history! I will try marriage counselling with him but he first has to admit he has a problem!
@MrsMeNow: He usually lies about it and he only tells the truth when there is hardcore evidence like when I found it in his cigarette pack and even then he tried to lie! I am very distant with him, I don't have time for his games! Today when I got home from work I checked the phone and his unemployed friend who I think deals it called him 10 times, I think he owed him money for yesterday cuz his umeployment cheque came in today! I know I deserve better and it's time I put myself first and not waste anymore of my time on a loser!
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Hey ladies!
I love my husband but we've had a lot of problems lately and I don't know what to do! He lost his job 10 months ago and I believe it was from skipping work to go get high with his friends because we would email each other all day from work and whenever I didn't get an email I would call his work to see if he was there and the receptionist would say my husband didn't come into the office that day! One time he even missed almost 2 weeks of work and his boss gave him a warning I think and then a month later he skipped work again! When he works he has really good paying jobs but the longest he's stayed at one company is a year and a half in the 8yrs I have know him! Right now he is collecting Unemployment insurance. It seems like he is working for a bit and then get's let go collects unemployment and it's an ongoing cycle! I told him I will not have kids with him if he doesn't get his act together! He says he is looking for work everyday when I am at work but I believe he is hanging out with his stoner friends getting high! Would you stay in a marriage like this? I am only mentioning his bad qualities right now because I caught him stoned today so I am a bit mad. What would you do? Divorce him? See a marriage counsellor? I am at my wits end :(