Post # 1
I posted that poll arlready knowing in my heart what the answer would be. My FI has had half a dozen chances to stand up for me with his family. He has already told me that he has never been one for confrontation and finds it extremely difficult to stand up to his parents. Every time he and I talk, and something new happens to upset me, he uses our phrases and tells In-law’s what we discuss but only very vagulely. Their behavoir warrants a true mouthful and if it weren’t for the fact that I love my FI dearly, I would open my own mouth to them.
So what do I do? Wait until the next incident and see if he steps up to the plate (finally), or admit that things will never change and he will never really be able to put his foot down?
Post # 3
while i believe that he should’ve been standing up for you all along… considering how much you have invested in him and how much you love him (i assume!)… I would give him one more chance if i were you. I would explain to him in no uncertain terms that this IS a deal breaker for you and that you will not accept the same treatment moving forward. If he will commit to supporting you then give him a chance and see what happens. He might hate confrontation but hopefully he hates the idea of losing you more.
Post # 5
What about going to premarital counseling between now and the ‘next time’? PM Counseling will be able to help set the plan up for the future, help with implementing boundaries, etc.
I would give him one more chance but I wonder if he will take it as “I have to do this once and I am good to go!” and then go back to his old ways after this chance is over rather than “I need to make a lifestyle change.” I would just make it clear- actions speak louder than words and this is no one time thing. He could of course nip this in the bud and just stick to boundaries. Another thing I think he needs to realize is that it’s the IL’s, not you. He may end up resenting you for having to do this when in reality, if the IL’s were to treat you like a human, this wouldn’t be an issue. I felt this way in the beginning of our IL problems, like my DH was mad at me rather than the IL’s.
Post # 6
@pendola: I am also worried that FI will start to resent me even though he keeps repeating over and over “I love you more then anything in the universe”, I feel like a b*tch ! But you are right, they are the problem and I just need him to stand up for me ONCE, at least once ! — and tell them to back off and stop disrespecting me !
Post # 7
Based on your poll, there has to be a willingness of both people to stick up for their SO no matter what. You’ll never really be “one unit” when you get married until he can adopt that mentality. I’m guessing you already have and would defend him if your family had something negative to say.
Corgi makes good points! I always love reading what she has to say. Hopefully he can overcome his fear of confrontation in order to not lose you!
Post # 8
If it’s something you worry about, then definitely talk about that aspect with him. Yes he may say he loves you more than the universe but those feelings of resentment aren’t an easy pill to swallow for either side. Maybe give him a day or two to think about it all the way through, to hopefully think about what he’s getting himself into. In no way do I mean that in the way it sounds, just sometimes, it’s more than expected and they don’t know what they are getting themselves into, in a way. It’s not an easy road to travel, it’s tiring, you set up boundaries and whoever tries to run right through them 🙁
I don’t know your backstory but it may be at the point where he needs to decide. Or, that in order to see him, they need to straighten up. If they don’t, then they don’t get access to their son. He is going to have to be the one to enforce it. It’s really their choice.
Post # 9
FI and I went through something related to this when we first started dating. He would constantly seek his parents’ approval on everything. His parents were unhappy with us living together and he wasn’t sure he wanted to do something his parents wouldn’t love. Anyway, we sat down and I calmly explained to him that I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who could stand up for us and choices we’ve made in our relationship. It wasn’t something I was willing to compromise on. He knew that what he was doing was harmful to our relationship and he’s made a TON of progress in the last 2 years to the point where he thinks first about US. At the end of the day it was HIS choice and it was up to HIM to decide what he wanted.
I would let your FI know that this is a dealbreaker for you and that he needs to be able to stand up for you and the two of you need to be a team. Otherwise, you’ll be fighting an uphill battle forever and you’ll eventually become bitter and frustrated. Pre-marital counseling is another wonderful option. A neutral third party could be a way to help the two of you communicate in a healthy way. Learning how to work through issues and communication is necessary in any marriage and talking about problems with another neutral person could really help!