(Closed) Deal breaker?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you ever let the In-laws be the cause of your relationship falling apart?
    If they get to be too much trouble, we'll just move ! : (16 votes)
    30 %
    I can't marry into a crazy family, sorry. : (10 votes)
    19 %
    I will stick by my SO no matter what ! : (14 votes)
    26 %
    Um, are these my only choices? : (13 votes)
    25 %
  • Post # 3
    11325 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Would I leave a man because he has a terrible family? absolutely not. 

    Would I leave a man because of how he HANDLES his terrible family? ABSOLUTELY. 

    These people are going to be your family. You’re marrying the whole bunch. I wouldn’t hold it against someone for coming from a terrible family… but if you have a terrible family you should do your best to protect your Fiance from them. I’ve dated momma’s boys with momzillas… pass. When you get married, you form a new family and that comes first. Period. If his family isn’t going to accept that then he needs to let them know his priorities. 

    Post # 4
    1854 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    Depends… My ex never tried to get to know my parents and they were nothing but very nice to him. He was just not family oriented and that was a dealbreaker, because I wanted to visit my parents as a couple and that would always end up in pouting from him.

    If his parents were not easy to live with, it would all depend on my SO’s attitude: is he defending me or is he incapable of standing up to them? That would be the dealbreaker, more than the family themselves.  What’s a few visits in a year, if you have a wonderful man everyday.

    Post # 5
    235 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Very well said by CorgiTales. You can’t pass up a wonderful man because his family is heinous.

    But if he allows his family to act horribly towards you and doesn’t do anything about it, then he’s not so wonderful afterall, and I wouldn’t stand for it.

    Post # 6
    4385 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I agree completely with Corgi – It definitely depends on how he handles the situation.

    Post # 7
    624 posts
    Busy bee

    CorgiTales coulen’t have said it best.

    I could not marry someone who lets his family walk all over him. 


    Post # 8
    3709 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I think anyone who thinks that a relationship is just about the two of them is being naive. Family dynamics outside of your relationship can definitely affect your relationship, and even the way that you view your Fiance. From what I have seen, the conflict usually comes into play not neccessarily because of what the in-laws say or do, but how our SO HANDLES it. I can deal with crazy in-laws as long as my Fiance has my back. (Thankfully that hasn’t been a problem for me b/c FIs family are fine).

    One of my best friends always has conflict with her husband b/c of that very thing. He absolutely won’t defend her when his family says something disrespectful or treats her badly. He expects her to just take it without saying anything and then when they are in private…he tries to coddle her and tell her that’s just the way they are blah, blah, blah. To me…that’s total BS. If somebody disrespects me, I expect my Fiance to squash that ish IMMEDIATELY. Don’t hang me out to dry and then try to appease me later…ain’t happening. A husband’s first priority should be his wife and vice versa. As long as that is understood and both parties agree that there will be hell to pay if it’s not followed =) the in-laws will start to fall in line.

    Post # 9
    71 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Sorry to say, but to me, i think its definitly for better or for worse.

    i have to say i have one of those mother in laws that thinks that no woman will ever be good enough for her son. Don’t get me wrong the woman is nice to me, but sometimes the comments she makes makes it clear to understand that she thinks that Im not good enough. My fiance does nothing because he says its between me and her and doesnt want to get in the middle of it which is understandable BUT there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself.

    and i always think to myself, if i wasnt good enough than he would have never proposed. and he always tells me things like that to reasure me that i am the one, and perfect for him. so i try and not let it get to me.

    but i def understand where you are coming from, dealing with that is so hard sometimes.

    if its so hard for you and you feel like you cant take it anymore, then you definitly need to say something. and if that doesnt work, well then you will need to make a hard decision. if putting up with all of that is worth it or not.

    Post # 11
    3709 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @vintagequeen19: “My fiance does nothing because he says its between me and her and doesnt want to get in the middle of it”

    Honestly, that would be a problem for me. It’s NOT between you and his mother b/c ultimately, it’s going to affect the way you view your Fiance. It is TOTALLY his job to make sure that his family treats you with respect and not make hurtful or mean comments to you. In, and out of, his presence.

    Post # 12
    1317 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I totally agree with CorgiTales!

    Post # 13
    249 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    The only time a family member would we causing issues to the pt that i will not want to be in the relationship anymore is if THEY judge and attack and HE DOES NOT stand up for me..if he is too week to voice his own opinions around them and belittles me then tells me when we are alone that I WAS RIGHT..then SORRY i can not deal with that 🙂

    and it is true for me too..thankfully my crazy side of the family (dad’s side) lives in the other side of the world 🙂

    Post # 14
    11325 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    @all– thanks 🙂 


    @bee-gotten: when i say “protect your fi from your family” i don’t mean literally be a barrier between them… but i mean do your best to honor your fiance. if your family is mean to your fiance, let them know that it is absolutely unacceptable to act that way. if they persist in that behavior, let them know that your participation in their family is contingent on THEIR behavior. 

    Post # 15
    279 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Agree with all PPs… he can’t change his mother, but he can change how he reacts to her behavior and how she treats you.

    I have left a man after over 3-1/2 years and living together for this very reason. His mom thought I was a “city girl” stealing her boy away from them (they live in a mountain town, literally). She was SO rude to me all the time and stopped inviting me to holidays, and he would always cave to her b/c he was soooo afraid he’d “lose his family.”

    I gave him an ultimatum – “This is your final warning. If you go to one more holiday without me, we are done.”

    I am still shocked that he was surprised when I dumped him after he told me he planned to spend the week with them over Christmas without me!  lol

    The topic ‘Deal breaker?’ is closed to new replies.

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