Dealing with a depressed SO…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
356 posts
Helper bee

@Merinda1994:  I myself struggle with depression. Its very hard for my SO at times. I personally never wanted to take meds, and it only took myself realizing that I needed them for me to constantly take them. As for you feeling like its your fault, its not. I know its hard for you not to feel that way, but honestly depression is a hard thing to deal with, let alone explain. Sometimes he just may need his time to be alone, I know I do. I went to therapy and it never helped. They would tell me things that I already knew but in the end, its something I had to overcome myself. Maybe thats just me.

Right now, the best thing you can do is just be supportive- which is sounds like you are. Try to get him to take his meds, but dont push it as that will make it worse. Simply just say you really care and worry for him and that the medication in there for a reason- it will help.

Post # 4
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

@Merinda1994:  My SO has anxiety and depression, and it can be very, very hard for me to deal with. He is not on medication, and is not willing to go to therapy (which honestly kind of bothers me because I don’t feel like I can help him like a professional would, but I don’t push it too hard because he doesn’t want to do it).

A lot of the time, I gently try to figure out what’s on his mind, and then just listen non-judgementally. I know that he’s vulnerable, so I try to always be constructive about the feelings he’s telling me about. And when he seems afraid for whatever reason to tell me something, I always reassure him that he can tell me anything and it will be ok. Those are really the only things I’ve been able to do to help my SO, and it’s been a slow process, but there has been some progress.

Other than that, I try to just do nice things for him, and minimize his stress as much as I can. Head massages, his favorite food, offers to do things together that I know he enjoys – they all add up and make his day a bit better. 

Another thing I’ve noticed that helps my SO (I’m not sure if this would apply to yours), is loving, physical touch (random hugs and kisses, lots of cuddles), and verbal validation as a confidence booster. My SO’s self-confidence gets low when he’s not sure if he’s been doing a good job, so I make sure to let him know when I appreciate something he’s done, find him attractive in a certain outfit, etc..

Really, getting over depression mostly takes time and patience. It may feel like you can’t do anything for him, but the more you come to understand about what’s on his mind, the more you’ll be able to know what to say or do for him in a moment of uncertainty.

One last thing I feel like is important to mention: don’t beat yourself up for not being able to make everything better! Do what you can for him, but don’t stress yourself out in the process. Sometimes, just listening, giving him a hug, and turning the sitation around into something to take his mind off his worries is the best you can do. It’s ok to not be able to think of a solution. It’s ok to tell him that you don’t know what to do to help him, but that you’ll keep on trying. 

I wish you both luck with getting him in a better place. Under his depression, his love for you still exists, so please don’t let his mood dampen yours. Everything will be ok in time.

Post # 6
Member
5272 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Dealing with your FI’s depression can take a toll on you over time; I would advise you to seek counseling or join a support group to help you cope and be in a position of helping him without draining yourself.  Wish you the best, sending positive thoughts your way.

Post # 8
Member
25 posts
Newbee

@Merinda1994:  Ello there sorry to hear about your situation. I am a combat vet my wife has put up with me on so many levels with PTSD and other combat related issues. The best thing to do is go to the VA near you and start getting help. Thats what I did and it has been well worth it. I am 100% connected and have really found myself through many years of therapy. I still go I still become very distant and that doesnt go away but my wife has noticed I am ‘away’ a lot less now. Please message me if you both aren’t connected with the VA my wife and I do very well financially because of ‘our’ sacrifices. You are making a huge difference in his life. Coming from an iraq war veteran, I thank you for supporting, and loving, a fellow soildier. Best wishes to the both of you. 

Post # 10
Member
25 posts
Newbee

@Merinda1994:  If he does not see the mental benifits from therapy how about the monitary benefits. I was in his shoes not wanting to really deal with things thinking I had everything all worked out and I could deal on my own. That lasted about 5 years  until I realized I did not have everything together. I put in alot of time on my VA Claim and was very lucky to get a good amount of back payment along with money for the rest of my life. My family is now connected with the VA I do not pay any money for health insurance anymore for my family or myself that alone was amazing. I urge you to look into the benefits you both could recieve. The hard part will be convincing him. Its a very hard and dark time filing a claim but in the end it will help out so much. I wish you both the best of luck and if you need any guidance I would love to help. 

Post # 12
Member
25 posts
Newbee

@Merinda1994:  Well at least you have the benefits. Talking about feelings or bad situations isn’t good if you aren’t in the right place to hear what they are going to say or how it might be helpful. I hope that he finds the place he needs to in order to get help. 

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