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You've already done the only thing I can think of to suggest and that is to speak plainly to her and let her know that because of your pregnancy and resultant morning sickness and low energy level, you are doing as much as you can and are happy to support her to the best of your ability but that it means you can't do everything. Unfortuantely, it is very hard for someone who has not been pregnant before (I am assuming this is the case for the bride) to understand what your body is dealing with not to mention the emotional toll it can take on you.
I just wanted to give you support and tell you that you seem to be going above and beyond and I hope she can see that if not now, in the very near future, and will let you know that she appreciates all you have done and are doing.
Most people see the wonderwomen in the movies and think all pregnancies are peaches and cream. It is just not so. I think perhaps explaining to her as you did here that it is just too much on your body for you to handle it right now. You are very sorry, but you are doing the best that you can.
@Mrs. Louboutin: Just make up something about Dr's orders saying that you physically cant, since she obviously doesnt get the message that youre sick on your own. Just say something like "I would love to join you all for a pub crawl but my Dr says that I MUST limit activity or it might cause problems for me later on, sorry". Its not like shes going to call your OBGYN and double check.
I think it's very fair of you to give her the heads up that you may not be up to a 2 day event, but I also have heard that the morning sickness/exhaustion only lasts so long and then you get back to normal levels again. Not speaking from experience, just what my friends and family have told me. So maybe don't entirely close yourself off from the whole weekend, you never know how you're going to feel in 2 months. On the other hand I'm not sure a pregnant lady would have much fun at a pub crawl ;)
I definitely agree that taking on more tasks is maybe not the right thing to do right now, and if you do take them on, take them on as a friend, not as an unofficial bridesmaid. You don't want to end up resenting your friend and ruining a friendship over this. You're being a good friend but sometimes even friendship has limits. Just have an honest talk with her and assess what you're up to day by day :)
I've been to two bachelorette parties since becoming pregnant and they were torture. It's not good for a pregnant woman to be walking around bars until 2am. I was terrified that one of the drunk people dancing would fall into me or elbow me in the stomach. Especially with your morning sickness, I say just let her be mad. She'll understand if/when she becomes pregnant.
As for her wedding tasks I say do as much as you feel comfortable doing. Be honest with her that it's a lot for you to take on all these tasks while feeling sick and exhausted. If she wants to be upset with you it's her problem. I think she'll begin to understand after the wedding is over.
Just tell her. I was one of those l who thought pregnancy was all flowers and rainbows and women put on a show. Yeah, WAKE UP CALL! Now at 39wks, I can barely function outside the house.
Take breaks and rest up. If it's soemthing that you can do from the couch, do it, but walking and moving and especially driving her and her mama somehwere, don't do it. It's too much and trust me, about 5 months, it WILL cause Braxton Hicks from overdoing it.
@bakerella: Oh how I wish the bachelorette party was in 2 months! That is when the wedding is and I think (based on what I hear) that I will be feeling so much better by then. Unfortunately, the party is in 2 weeks. I'm going to try the best I can, but after hosting a dinner party the night before, I just have no idea how I will fare on Saturday.
To make matters worse, very few people can attend on Saturday. I think this is also part of the reason that the bride is upset. I don't blame her. I would be bummed too if everyone said no. Right now, it's her, another friend and me.
Thank you everyone for your advice. She really is a good person and I think she has just been overcome in wedding planning, which I know can happen. I just hope that she does understand if I cannot do everything even though I wish I could. I hope that I don't have to be firm about it, but if I must, I need to do what is best for my health and my little baby's health. I just hate being in this postion. I'm such a non confrontational person. :/
@Mrs. Louboutin: Ugh, you poor thing! I think you are being exceptionally generous and kind with your time, especially given how poorly you are feeling! I haven't been in your shoes yet (hopefully soon!) but I think it is ridiculous that she is being so unreasonable. First of all, I think the fact that you are opening your house to host a party for her on the Friday night is MORE than enough and she should be grateful to you for that. Secondly, what friend in their right mind wants their pregnant friend to go on a bar crawl with them!? And thirdly, why is she expecting a two day party? Most people have a bachelorette party over the course of one evening - not an entire weekend.
Honestly, I think maybe you should send her an email as it sounds as though communicating in person is not fully getting the point across. Send her an email telling her that whilst you are incredibly excited about her marriage and upcoming wedding, you are physically unable to do everything she would like. Tell her you are happy to host a party on Friday evening but you cannot attend a bar crawl on Saturday as it is not only detrimental to your health but also places your baby at risk. How many pregnant women does she see out at bars? Not many I would guess and there is a reason for that.
If she can't accept that, she is maybe not the kind of friend you need in your life right now. Anyone with a shred of compassion and maturity would understand that a pregnant woman needs to prioritise her health and the health of her baby, which unfortunately in this case, does not include going out on full day pub crawls.
Hoping you start feeling better soon!
@Ree723: THIS! I can't believe she would ask that of you. That just takes bridezilla to whole other level. I'm sorry its girls like this who gives the rational ones a bad name. I wouldn't dare burden my pregnant friend with wedding tasks. I'm sorry, babies before weddings!
OP I hope that she really listens when you speak about this again. Please keep us updated.
Can you muster up enough morning sickness to puke on her shoes a little? Then maybe she won't be so ticked if you can't be around quite so much...
In all seriousness though, I'm sorry she's being such a pain in the bouquet to deal with. It's rude of her to even task you with things like planning a bachelorette party. That type of thing is supposed to be a graciously given gift, not something a militant bride demands others throw. I know if my BMs throw a bachelorette party, I'll be so happy and thankful.
Is there anyway you can rustle up a few extra people to attend the Saturday thing to help her feel a little more...loved? Alternately, is it possible that you can have the people who are already planning on attending the party take care of a few things? This might take some of the stress off of you a little bit. Right now you need to be focused on the little guy or gal growing inside of you!
She "tasked" you to do the bachelorette party? BITCH!!!!!! Being that you are not in the wedding line, and you did not offer, I would back away QUICKLY! No one should tell someone to plan a party for them, it's just rude!
I agree with a PP, tell her the DR said no-way!
Do you have to go on a pub crawl? If it's only the three of you, can you plan some other kind of activity, like going to the spa or something?
I totally feel for you. As someone who always thought pregnant people were melodramatic whiners (until I was pregnant), I have no advice other than she will never really get it until she gets pregnant. You are doing more than enough by hosting the party on the Friday night, and I can think of nothing worse than being pregnant and going to a pub crawl so you're just going to have to be firm and skip it.
My best friend got married last year, and three bridesmaids (me included) were just finishing the firt trimester. The bachelorette party was awful but I did my best to smile and act like I was having a great time when really I just wanted to crawl into bed and snuggle with my vomit bag.
UPDATE:
Hi ladies! Thank you so much for all of your advice! Wanted to give you an update on what has happened. This bachelorette party is in two days on Friday. After reading all of your advice, I emailed the bride a week or so ago and told her that while I am really looking forward to celebrating her bachelorette party with her and hosting the party on Friday night, I just wasn't sure if I could commit to all the events on Saturday. I'm 14 weeks and still MISERABLY sick. I even have medication and sometimes it helps, but sometimes it doesn't. Anyway, she never responded to that email and she always responds.
I have no idea how Friday is going to go. I think I've planned a lovely party and my best friend has totally come through for me. She is coming over early to actually clean my house and bake the appetizers, which I am eternally grateful for. We had canceled the plans for the Saturday portion where everyone was staying at a hotel. I'm not sure what the bride was planning on doing for Saturday, but I ended up having an emergency health issue and had to get back into the doctor ASAP so I have a 9:00 am appointment on Saturday. I emailed the bride and the two other girls who were planning to spend the night to let them know that my hubby and I are leaving at 8:30 am for the appointment on Saturday and that it would be great if they could plan to leave at the same time. The two other girls responded being very understanding. No response from the bride. Sigh. I give up.
I hope for her sake that she enjoys the party. I put so much time into planning it, but at this point, it will be a relief when it's over. I feel like the only thing that would really make her happy would be if I wasn't pregnant and could do everything that she wants with her.
@Mrs. Louboutin: I'm so sorry! As far as morning sickness, I'm 16 weeks and I still have nausea! It really sucks. Everyone said that it'd be cleared up by 12 weeks, and I believed it would - that's another misconception - that all the bad stuff is only in the first trimester! I'm still incredibly tired too. (PS you should join our spring babies board in the babies section! You're probably due within a couple weeks of me!)
I'm sorry things haven't worked out with your friend. Something I've learned about weddings and pregnancies: unless you've gone through them, you have NO IDEA what it's like.
After I got married, I became incredibly guilty about not giving more for my sister's wedding, I was so selfish - and thankfully I have a wonderfully forgiving sister who knew I was just being a typical 18 year old lol
I'm sure she'll come around once she's pregnant ;)
I lost a good friend during my wedding, we had been best friends since 5th grade. I hope that one day she'll mature and we can work things out - but she just doesn't quite get it, you know?
I'm so sorry you had to go through this, it really sucks. (hugs)
What a bitch! Screw her. OMG I'm sorry STILL I don't understand how the health of my prego friend is less important than a party. Really??? I"m so sorry, you so don't deserve this. Sending good vibes your way.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! She is being incredibly unfair...have your mutual friends tried to talk some sense into her at all? Have you thought of calling her to talk it out?
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Hi ladies,
I'm having a bit of a problem that I could really use some advice on. I'm 12 weeks pregnant and have spent the past 3 months either exhausted in bed or puking. Needless to say, I've been very sick and it's been pretty miserable. A close friend of mine is getting married in two months, which is where I need some advice.
The bride was the Maid of Honor in my wedding, although I am not in hers. She is having one attendant, who is a family member and lives out of state. As such, she did not attend the bridal shower, will not attend the bachelorette party and will not be here until the wedding. I am picking up the slack for her.
While the Bride knows I am pregnant, she doesn't seem to be very understanding of the fact that I have been very sick. She tasks me with things to do - I had to drive her mother and her to the shower over an hour away and then her mother expected me to load up my SUV with all of the gifts and transport them back to her house after her 4.5 hour long shower. Fortunately, her fiance showed up to transport the gifts (thank goodness). She has given me some smaller tasks, but also has tasked me with planning the bachelorette party.
One part of the party will be hosted at my house and the next day is an all day drinking pub crawl. I have tried to explain to her that while I am happy to plan this and host Friday night, I can't commit to being there on Saturday due to my morning sickness and overall low evergy level. Rather than be grateful I am helping with all of this, she is upset with me.
I don't know what to do at this point. Even though this isn't my responsibility, I want to help her, but she just doesn't seem to understand how sick I have been and how much work it is to just do all of these things. I haven't even been able to clean my own house because I've been so sick
One thing I do want to add is that while she was wonderful in planning my own bachelorette party, on my wedding night, after DH went upstairs at our after party a bit earlier than I (he overindulged a bit), she pulled me aside and started yelling at me telling me that I was a bad wife because I didn't go upstairs with him. I wanted to spend more time with all of my friends who I hadn't seen in months who flew in from out of town! Her boyfriend, now fiancee, went upstairs to wake up DH and bring him downstairs. DH thought I was horribly sick and was very upset they did this. To this day, I'm still embarassed and she has never apologized (her fiancee called my DH and apoligized for his part, which we both appreciated). I know this is unrelated, but it has bothered me more recently as some of these other issues have come up.
Her wedding is only 2 months away and I will not be taking on any additional tasks, but I also don't want to put a damper on her wedding glow so to speak. What would you do?