Dealing with a 'soon to be' divorced friend

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3010 posts
Sugar bee

@CartersMum:  she needs therapy. I wouldn’t acknowledge her comments about your marriage. Like, when she says something just let it sit in silence for 10 sec and then change the subject. No point in arguing at all. 

Post # 4
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I agree that she needs therapy. Sounds to me like she’s very depressed. I don’t blame her as breakups really kill me. I suggest you give it time, support her emotionally, but let her know that the subject of your marriage is off the table if she wants to stay friends.

I was a MOH and going through a post breakup at the same time. I know my friend was hurt, but I can’t thank her enough for putting up with me.

Ftr, I never insulted her relationship as I recognized it was right.

Post # 5
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Bubbles42:  I suggest you give it time, support her emotionally, but let her know that the subject of your marriage is off the table if she wants to stay friends.

I agree, next time she makes that comment check her ass. Because her marriage didnt work out its not cool for her to shit on yours. Friends dont do that.

Post # 6
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’d just try to stay away from downers period.

But if she tries to talk to you like that. She needs to realize in life you will experience all kinds of hurt from all kinds of people, does that mean you shouldn’t live, if people will hurt you? Life is about experiences, and becoming a stronger person from all the crap one has to deal with, not about Happy Endings. If you don’t have a serious talk with her about brining you down, she will continue to do so. And if she doesn’t stop, I would just try to keep your distance from her.

Post # 7
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I would keep interaction with her to a minimum, and only bring up the wedding if she asks about it.

Poor girl should talk to someone. It’s normal to be hurt/angry, but yeah, she should be at the point where she is starting to move on. Hopefully she does get some financial compensation… but that’s up to the courts to decide.

 

Post # 8
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

First, I can’t help but share something from my own life. My dad met his second wife at work (oh and my parents were still married – they did NOT meet at work). Then he met his third wife at work (depending on who you ask, they were still together). So, after your friend has gotten over this, share that tidbit from my life with her (might also explain part of why I haven’t gotten too attached to this wife – and also might be why she switched back to the same shift as him).

That said, seven months out is still pretty soon. When I was 7 months out from leaving my ex husband I felt like I was over it. But I wasn’t. Some people take longer. I also know people who genuinely were over it very quickly. If it helps, a friend of mine gently suggested a book that helped her through HER divorce a good over 10 years ago. I brushed it off, b/c hey, I didn’t feel I needed it. I had to text her to ask her for the title b/c probably 6 months before I met my now-husband I wasn’t sure if I was really truly over it (I had been in therapy). If she needs kid gloves, gently pass along the title. If she can take it, I suggest buying the book and handing it over (I recently did this with a friend) – it’s called Crazy Time (I bought mine used off of Amazon and likely paid way more in shipping than I did for the book). That book plus therapy were great.

Related, I had so many people in my life who felt I had no right to complain or take x amount of time to get over my divorce b/c I left my ex. I say bull. Granted, my mom had been with my dad for 25 years, but when she left him (see first paragraph!) it took her 1-2 years to get mostly over him, and several more years to be fully over him. 

I agree to try to keep any discussions about your wedding to a minimum, unless of course she asks. I had a friend go through a break up (from a not long relationship) and she told me horrible things – including that I should expect my partner to leave me! It was so hurtful. When I chose to leave my ex husband (and for a while after), I didn’t believe in happy endings for me. But only for me. I still had plenty of friends happily married and a few planning weddings. I figured maybe in several years, I’d date. Nothing serious, likely, but okay sure, I could have relationships. I never believed I would ever be in love again – but in under a year, I did know that should it happen, i DESERVED to be loved.

For her to give up on everything, especially after a few months is not normal. If you said, OMG SHE WONT GO SPEED DATE WHAT A DRAG, I’d want to slap you. However, you’re expressing concern (or at least that’s part of what I get out of it). I’m hoping that other people in this lovely lady’s life have also picked up on this. However, maybe no one has said anything, and even if they have, maybe she hasn’t believed them. At this point, I do worry that this is interferring with her life.

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