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Does he not get them done? Or does he not get them done your way and on your schedule?
There's a difference, and one of the best things I did for my relationship was realize that just because my husband doesn't do something just the way I would, or take care of it as soon as I mention it, doesn't mean he can't or won't.
Having said that, it sounds as though your husband might be depressed. I would ask him, gently and nonconfrontationally, if he's been feeling down about anything lately. If yes, you may want to suggest that he see a counsellor.
Is it possible that he could be dealing with depression? A lot of his symptoms (low sex drive, no motivation, etc) sound like depression. I would try to get him to see his doctor and get a referl for a mental health professional.
I echo the PPs. From what you have said, this sounds very much like the symptoms of depression.
Yep I also agree could be depression!! I myself have experience dealing with loved ones with depression and sounds a lot like thir symptoms.
Small things, such as household chores he'll usually do without me having to bug him more then once, but anything major that takes some amount of effort (making doctor's appointment, calling his school counceler, making dinner reservations, buying me a birthday card...) he won't do, or if it has some sort of major consequence he'll put off until the very last minute possible (example, we didn't do our taxes until April 13th, and he usually won't pay his student loans until we start getting phone calls every day from the bank)
He's admitted in the past that he might be dealing with depression, but he hasn't done anything towards helping himself. I've even given him the phone number to my psychiatrist(which I love, and has helped me out with my emotional problems a ton) but I can't make doctor's appointments for him (for one thing, I don't know his work schedule, and there are HIPAA laws that protect health information, even from spouses.) He needs to be an adult and take that responsibility himself.
*hugs* I think he needs counselling to clear him of depression, or if he is depressed (it sounds like he is) to treat him. Also, I think you should go to counselling together, so you can learn how to interact with him effectively. You keep saying that you nag him, or fight and obviously that's not working. In fact, that type of behavior can and does often make sitations like yours a lot worse. Marital counseling will help teach you how to appropriately reach out to someone who is depressed and hopefully will hammer in to your husband that your needs aren't being met.
Good luck!
@kokuu: it can be very hard to help yourself when you are suffering from depression. It's just an ugly cycle. I would tell him you want to go to marriage counseling. This will at least get his foot in the door and may make him feel more safe at admitting his own depression, with the comfort of you there.
I agree about the depression, and even moreso with how it affects helping yourself.
My Dad suffered from mild depression the majority of his and my moms marriage.. not knowing that he was depressed my mom just thought he was checked out/ didn't care.
I would defitnitely see about seeking help for him on that... you can even see you're family Dr. for things like this..... maybe set up an annual physical and let the nurse know his symptoms. If you set it up and let them know to make note in his chart then maybe the Dr. will bring it up rather than wait to hear from your husband.
Through this time I would educate yourself on how to deal with someone with depression... and stop nagging (that doesn't motivate anyone & all it does it hurt the both of you). Affirm your love to him OFTEN, through action.. not words (he doesn't hear them). And just know that he does love you and that working together (first mainly you working... until he can) you two can get through this!
Also, I don't know what you're religious belief is but I know that prayer works!... it's the most effective thing we have to help our loved ones, so I would definitely start praying for your husband daily.... That he be strong & mighty like God made him, that that depression would leave him, that the peace, comfort, and fullness of God would fill him so that he can be the husband he was made to be. You can look into getting a book called "Prayers That Avail Much" if you don't know what/how to pray and I that's a good place to start too!
i just saw this blog post--http://www.eastsidebride.com/2011/05/my-bf-is-scared-of-success.html
your situation sounds a little different, but maybe the responses will be helpful?
The worst of what i'm hearing is the financial ramifications. not paying your student loans until you are getting threatening phone calls from the bank will absolutely TANK your credit score. If you guys are planning on ever buying a car or home with financing...that has to change, immediately. I think the two of you need to sit down and try to work out a system that works for both of you. A list on the fridge? Digital reminders? WHateven needs to happen to make sure that there is enough communication and enough reminders to get things to happen should be worked out stat.
Also, most student loans can be put on an auto-draft out of your bank account. I would recommend doing that so that the negative hits on your credit can stop!!
I think I spotted this somewhere up there, but it sounds like he might be depressed. It can happen to anyone and doesn't have to be caused by anything in particular. Maybe you could ask him how he is feeling. Or ask him to go work out with you. If he won't, demand he go with you lol. After a couple times, he will probably be more excited about it. Let him know that you're worried about his health and how he is feeling. If it is depression, as hard as it is, you have to try not to be frustrated. Let us know how he is.
@kokuu: Yeah, it sounds like he's pretty depressed and either doesn't want to admit it or can't.
Agree with PPs that the best route may be to tell him that you want to see a marriage counselor to discuss some of these issues. It sounds like you've got some real resentment building (completely justified!), and that needs to be aired ASAP to keep it from poisoning your marriage.
one thing i know is this: even though you're his wife, you still can't MAKE him do things to better himself. he has to decide on his own that that is what he wants to do, and you, as well meaning as it is, trying to encourage him to, will make him feel bad. you can give him opportunities to join you in healthy eating and excercize, but you're going to just have to hope that one day he decides to better himself.
I agree with most people, and I think your husband needs help, and help from you to get help.
When you say that you can not make appointments for him, I guess I am not sure if that is completely true. I personally have made appointments for my husband in the past. Granted it was for the dentist - but I knew he would not go get his teeth cleaned/looked at unless I made an appointment.
I also did not know his schedule, but he took it upon himself to call and reschedule after I made the original appointment. He just needed a nudge to get started.
I know it is frustrating. But be supportive not a nagger. Nagging will probably make him feel worse about himself.
Something DH and I have done when I was depressed, was to have a weekly in-home/DIY support session. We used some tips and trick from Dr. Phil. This could be something you could both consider, and a first step to get help? Even self-help videos or books? Maybe he is scared to go to a therapist?
Also, if you can help him get to a General Practitioner Doctor, they will usually write a script for anti-depression medicine and then strongly suggest therapy. Although I do not think a drug can solve everything, it is also another good start. Once on some medicine, he might have enough energy to make his own decisions/appointments.
I have been depressed, and what I needed was support from my SO. Even in todays society, there is still a stigma with going to a "shrink".
I have fought / suffered from depression since my teen years and I agree, when you are realy deep in it, it is hard to take action to help yourself. If you two were to go to marriage counseling and you went to an office or clinic with other mental health care professionals available, it would be very easy for him to them stop by the reception desk and make an appointment for himself, since he's already there in the office. See what I mean? Yes he needs to be an adult but all of us need to be "led" sometimes.
My ex husband suffered from serious, debilitating depression self-medicated with alcohol. It killed our marriage in the end. Long story and I am NOT saying that's what your facing, but I do want to urge you to take it seriously. When my ex finally did get some help, what spurred it was some free depression screening at the mall that he happened to walk by as it was in progress. Hey, whatever works! The problem with my ex though was that he thought that going to the doc a few times and getting meds was enough, and his issues were much more deep seated.
If you have seen a personality change from before vs. now then definitely consider the strong possibility that it is depression, and when you are suffering from a real chemical imbalance in the brain, it is very very difficult to see the big picture and to do anything about it.
I have been there many times, and I remember knowing exactly what was happening, watching everything fall apart, but feeling completely immobilized to take any action. It sucks.
What has helped me in the past was not anyone nagging me, but my children and (then) fiance telling me "Hey, you are not yourself lately and we miss the REAL you. Please come back to us. What can we do to help?" Knowing that they had seen a change in me and were, in effect, grieving, kind of shook me into taking action.
Please at least TRY calling to make him an appointment to see either a doctor or a therapist about his depression. You ARE his spouse, so while they may not be able to tell you test results and that kind of thing, if you know his SS# and insurance info, I don't see why you couldn't make an appointment. Offer to go with him if it would make him feel more comfortable.
People would not hesistate to seek help if they had a disease like cancer. It's sad that there is such a stigma against depression that people are ashamed to seek help for it. Depression is a disease, and it can be fatal. Four years ago yesterday my brother killed himself. He was thirty and would not seek help for his depression. At his age, unfortunately, we could not force him to get help. But you are this man's wife, you live with him, you love him, and you have the power to give him a mighty big push in the right direction.
He sounds depressed. My FI has clinical depression and anxiety, and let me tell you, it was WORLDS better when he got his meds fixed (he's always been on them, but he just wasn't taking the right amount). Definitely encourage him to seek counseling. He'll feel so much better! This isn't normal!
totally agree with @MsInterpret on the
"Hey, you are not yourself lately and we miss the REAL you. Please come back to us. What can we do to help?"
I know this may seem like a minor difference but it's helped me see it from my fiance's point of view - he's not unmotivated, he's immobilized. At least for my fiance, he wants to do it, knows he needs to do it, etc. but but it all seems so overwhelming that it's hard to even take that first step. I used to get angry and nag at him too, but I've come to realize that he's just as frustrated with himself as I am. Now I focus on helping him take action. Set aside small chunks of time to do it together. Even if it's just, ok, for 10 minutes we're going to tackle something on your to do list. And then stop after 10 minutes. So he'll at least have accomplished something and hopefully realized that it's not that hard. And then you can let him be for the rest of the day (it's hard to resist nagging, I know!).
And I agree with all the comments on seeking professional psychological help - this can get better!
Reminds me of my DH but a little bit different story: He is 1.5 classes away from getting BS, but refuses to take the class he failed over(prevented from getting degree), so he won't finish it. Which closes the door on his job opportunities. He sits at home and plays videogames all day. I hope one day he will finish. But I won't be bent out of shape if he doesn't. But I really do want him to finish!
He is returning to work soon(taking time off for surgery). And he wouldn't mind being a stay at home dad the first year or two for the baby when we have kids. My DH is in shape and worksout and plays basketball. But we do need to work on the diet thing: we need to learn to cook and eat more veggies, to try to lower his cholesterol(slightly high).
We still go on dates and do things together. My DH does suffer from depression and ADD but he takes medication for it. However, sometimes he will still get in a depressed outlook. We also lack motivation to clean.
I also am just very exhausted right now from working so hard(I am a teacher) and I am just exhausted from the school year now and ready for my time off. Then I will work on cleaning, cooking, workingout, my hobbies!
Advice: Do go out on dates/plan activities together. Try to remember and even do things from when you first start dating, and do things that would bring back reminders of when you first dated. Also, spend a little time apart occassionally so that you will miss each other. Continue to act like bf/gf. Give him motivating pep talks if he gets down. Finally, let some things go instead of nagging. However, when my DH saw how upset I was about him not helping me do some of the chores he would surprise me doing them sometimes knowing it would make me very happy:) good luck.
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We've been married a little over 6 months now, and my husband's lack of motivation and drive is really starting to affect me. I feel like if I don't do things myself, that things won't get done, and I'm incredibly disappointed that my husband really has no aspirations in life anymore.
I'm a very self-motivated person. Last summer I finished my certification to become a pharmacy technician, and this summer I'm heading back to school to start the long process of becoming a pharmacist. My husband on the other hand is sitting on a half-finished bachelors degree, hasn't enrolled in school in almost two years now, with no motivation to finish what he's started. He's an incredibly smart person, but doesn't apply himself.
I've also recently taken charge of my health, changing my diet and exercising regularly. So far I've lost 20 lbs, recently ran a 5k, and am currently training to run a half-marathon at the end of summer. My husband is only 28 and already plagued with a number of health problems, largely affected by his obesity. I've been nagging him for over 6 months now to find a new doctor and make an appointment, but he's taken no steps towards doing anything for his health, and I worry that I'm going to be a widow before I'm 40. I've also been trying to get him to eat better and come to the gym with me, but that's not working out very well either- I can maybe get him to come once a week, if I'm lucky.
He also has no interest in going out and doing social things. He never calls or visits his best friend or his godson, and won't take me out on dates, or go out and do activities with me. I have to plan all of our social activities, which occasionally he'll begrudgingly attend. Frankly, all he does is go to work, then come home and sit in his chair and watch TV or play video games. I'm really disappointed that the my intelligent, interesting husband has disappeared, and has been replaced by this unmotivated sloth of a man.
He isn't even motivated to have sex. I'm almost always the one to initiate, and half of the time he'll either turn me down, or say "later" which almost always doesn't happen. I'm getting to the point where I just don't even want to bother trying, which is really frusterating me, since at that point that basically makes us roommates rather then spouses.
I'm tired of nagging, I'm tired of acting like his mother. I just want him to do something with his life, and work towards being a better person, instead of lazily sitting at home watching TV. It's starting to really frustrate me, and I don't enjoy spending time with him as much anymore because of it.