Post # 1
I’m heading up to my inlaws later on today for Thanksgiving. I just wanted to get out a big vent before we go.
We haven’t told my MIL that we are TTC. I don’t know if she assumes we are, or just thinks she’s being funny, but everytime I see her she asks “Are you pregnant yet?” If we are around my niece, she asks me “Don’t you want a baby?” I don’t know if I can deal with it right now. I had a chemical pregnancy last cycle in the beginning of the month. I got a BFP the day after AF was due then got my period 5 days later. I’m worried I’m going to break down or say something really mean when I see her and she asks. DH thinks I should just smile and say ‘Not yet’. But i feel like that’s easier said then done.
ETA: I haven’t told anyone (other than DH) about the chemical pregnancy.
Usually I love my MIL, but it’s this one point that I can’t stand. I don’t want her to know we are TTC because she’ll ask a million more questions. Does anyone have good advice on how to deal?
Post # 3
Some people need to be taught that it is a rude question to ask. That’s how I felt about my ectopic. I was devesated and people were telling me that I needed to get pregnant right away. It was NOT what I wanted to hear then.
I would always say, “It takes time for some people to get pregnant, so we’ll let you know when that time comes.”
Sometimes I would add in, “I’m so glad it wasn’t difficult for you.” Because you KNOW people who ask that question never had any losses or difficults, or they’d be more sympahetic and respect your privacy!
Post # 4
I’m in the same boat – I had a MC in August, and it kills me anytime someone asks when we’re having a baby. I just want to scream ‘WE’RE TRYING’ at everyone so they’ll leave us alone. It’s not only myself that is still dealing with this loss, but my husband as well so whenever people ask, I can see the hurt on his face too. Anyway, as gracefully as possible, I always end up saying with a smile, ‘not yet’ and leave it at that. I haven’t figured out anything else either, so I’ll be following this post for advice too!
Post # 5
@CityBearBride: I wouldn’t be able to bite my tongue, I’d probably say something like I’ll let you know when it happens. Hopefully she gets the hint to stop asking!
Sorry for your loss and I hope you get your BFP soon.
Post # 6
Ugh yes. I once had 9 people in one night ask me. I find that making a joke out of it is the best way to go, which can also depend on how ballsy you feel like being. My standard ansewers were:
-“As soon as they make a great tasting non-alcoholic wine that still gets me buzzed”
-“We’ve been trying but the pictures you sent us aren’t working”
-“As soon as prices go down on the black market”
-I once looked DH’s aunt right in the eyes and said “So how is your sex life? Because you just asked me about mine.”
-“Yes I am having an adequate amount of intercourse with your son/nephew/cousin/brother, that you for asking.”
-“Will and Kate waited about two years (or whatever it was) we are following royal protocol.”
-“All I want is a puppy!”, or if you have an animal, “We think our pet is allergic, and we are waiting for tests to come back before proceeding.”
At one point I just started crying. That worked. It was freaking awkward but no one asked again.
If you aren’t a fan of being a smart ass just polietly say “not yet” or “you will be the first to know”. Or you can sit down with DH and tell him when the subject arises he is responsible for answering.
Post # 7
My dad used to ask me a few times a week, and I would just reply we’ll let you know when it happens, or not yet, we’re trying etc. It took us 4 months to get pregnant and I realize from the WB that this is a short amount of time, but having an additional reminder that it wasn’t happening was hard.
So one day my dad asked, and I just told him that DH and I really really want to baby, and that it was really hard to hear him ask me those questions so often. I told him when it happens I promise to tell you. He hasn’t asked me since, and we go to the dr. for our first u/s mid december, and we’re planning on telling him after that.
I hope you get your BFP soon, and that your MIL chills out a little bit. I do like the will and kate line, that’s a good one 🙂
Post # 8
@PoppyH: LOL love it.
Dear Abby once had a patron write in with the comeback “As soon as I can find one with a return policy”
Post # 9
@CityBearBride: I don’t think people realize what a super awkward question that is…since its like, next door to asking, “So…you guys shag last night?” Either way, just because a baby is involved doesn’t make it any less invasive.
I like to take that discomfort and instrusive feeling that I get when people ask Mr. 99 and I when we’re going to have kids…the answer is NEVER, he had a viasectomy before we met and I’m unable to have children for medical reasons…so when someone out of the loop but involved with the family asks if I’m pregnant, if we’re trying…I get all wide eyed, like I was hoping they’d ask and say, “No…not yet….I think we’re doing it wrong. Got any advice? You know…like a position or something???”
Its funny…they never ask again after that….
Post # 10
Ah yes. I just got this at the first wave of Thanksgiving parties we’ve had in the last week with DH extended family.
MY DH second cousin announced in front of EVERYONE that they hope next year we will be bringing our new baby to their party. I’ve only met her twice, so fair enough that she doesn’t know we have struggled with secondary infertility for several years. It’s none of her business really, and I wasn’t up for debate about it. So, instead- I played it like we weren’t ready and hollered back “Don’t put that on me!!”- everyone laughed, I smiled and pretended like my womb is empty on purpose and that was that.
We live in a time where many women are still uneductaed about their bodies due to scare tactics and it’s driven into our minds at a young age that we have to be loaded on birth control and crossing our legs hard because if we don’t and our DH looks at us the wrong way, we’ll be knocked up with triplets. Of course, we know that’s not how that works. Wouldn’t that be nice…
Anyway- keep a few lines in your back pocket to toss out and don’t let it ruin your day. Most mean well and want what they think is best for you- they just suck at expressing it!
Post # 11
Best way to get people to stop asking you about TTC… tell them about your miscarriage. Worked like a charm for me!! 🙁 My FMIL used to drop passive hints about me having babies all the time. Since the MC, not a word. In fact no one has said a word about our TTC journey. I think in April though when we get married the MC will be a distant memory and the questions will begin again. With any luck, we’ll be pregnant with a healthy baby by then…
But seriously, I am sorry for your loss, I hope you get your sticky baby very soon!!
Post # 12
@CityBearBride: I would probably make some terrible joke about “my food baby” (gotta use Thanksgiving for something good, right?) and leave it at that. I would not encourage you to use me as a role model.
If it makes you feel remotely better, when we told FI’s parents we were engaged, they didn’t even say congrats and moved RIGHT into questions about plans for kids. FI told them he had been snipped (he hasn’t) and his mother nearly died on the spot. I let her know he was joking. I anticipate loads of inaapropriate questions in the coming days.
Best of luck!
Post # 13
@yandz: My MIL would have died too if we told her DH was snipped!
@CityBearBride: I am so sorry for your loss. I am newly pregnant and am not ready to disclose this information, so I’m hoping to avoid these questions too.
My MIL has not brought up kids much (I can tell she has been holding back), but lately it has been coming up more and more. My SIL got information from a fertility clinic and my MIL emailed me and was like “SIL got this info from the fertility clinic and I’d be happy to discuss if you’d like. No pressure to do fertility stuff, but whenever. FOR ALL I KNOW, YOU ARE ALREADY PREGNANT!!!!” She said that in all caps. I’m wondering if my DH clued her in somehow by not really thinking! We responded with “Very funny… We have talked about it and don’t think xyz treatment is something we are interested in pursuing right now. We don’t have plans to try any time soon though, so there is plenty of time to consider the options.” We liked this because it wasn’t lying. We don’t plan on TTCing (again) for a couple years.
Post # 14
I hated this question!! Thankfully our families don’t do this to us. DrH’s mom had a couple of miscarriages before she had him so I think she just knows not to ask people that question. We never told anyone we were TTC either, but when we got pregnant I told a couple of close friends. I wound up having a missed miscarriage and it was awful having to tell them what had happened. The thing was though that following that, they would periodically ask me “so how is the baby making going?” or “any baby updates?” It was SO irrirating being asked that repeatedly after having gone through the loss and then years of not conceiving again. People just don’t get it unless they have gone through it themselves apparently… Anyway I eventually toughened up and just straight up said “No, no news still. I will let you know when it happens but in the meantime I don’t like the dwell on it not working for us so lets not talk about it every month.”
Post # 15
i had a long talk with my mom before i got married (since we wanted to ttc right away)
i explained that the situation is stressful enough and i didn’t need her added stress. i brought this up when my best friend was with me and she had my back. she reinforced the point that she could not bother me about this.
on our first cycle trying, i felt very ill and asked my mom about her symptoms. i told her not to get excited because i didn’t have any news. when AF showed up, i told my mom and thankfully she didn’t made a big scene, she just said she was sorry and moved on to the next topic. i was so relieved. i was nervous telling her and thought she would go on and on because she was so sure i was.
Post # 16
@CityBearBride: I’m nervous about this same question. I constantly get the…when are y’all going to try for a baby?! I told DH I’m going to tell who every asks that, “Oh, we tried last night/this morning.” Or look at my watch and say, “OH, THAT REMINDS ME!” And then yell for him and say we need to leave.
But on a serious note, I’ve taken up saying, “Oh haha, it’s not quite that easy!” And then leaving it at that. It seems to make most people kinda realize that what they’re saying is rude and that they don’t always know someone’s situation.
PS>> I’m sorry to hear about the chemical pregnancy. I can’t imagine what it would be like to get the BFP…only to get AF not longer after ::hugs::