Post # 1
I’m a newbie poster but have lurked for awhile (thought I’d be getting married sometime soon). I’ve read some other posts on weddingbee about break-ups but just needed to vent my frustrations and hopefully find some support and helpful thoughts from other bees out there.
So here’s the story. Ex-BF and I were together for 9 years (I just turned 30, he is 31). We had previously broken up for about 6 months right after college when we were doing long-distance but found ourselves back in the same city and re-connected. Since then we lived together in NYC and moved cross-country together. We lived together and had two dogs that we raised. We said we were each others family, best friend, and loved each other more than anything. I always thought we would get married but didn’t really care about making it official since I thought we were on the same page and both of us come from divorced parents, so don’t have great relationship role models. Plus before we got the dogs we talked seriously about staying together and I said I didn’t want to get them if we were going to break up. He always told me that he chose me and I chose him and there was no one else for him.
Well two months ago, he says he isn’t happy with his life, this wasn’t what he imagined or wanted, and basically it was over. He didn’t want to try counseling or take a break. Just over. He moved into a friend’s apartment – he said that a “room opened up” but I actually believe he had been planning his “escape” behind my back. He had mentioned something a few months before about wanting to be more in control of his own happiness but said he wanted to try and work on the relationship. But the worst part is up until the day he moved out, he would always tell me “don’t give up on me, I don’t want to lose you, I can’t do it alone”. I asked him why he said those things and he said it was because he didn’t want me to give up first. Even as he was moving out, he said it was the worst day of his life, I was his best friend, he loved me more than anything, I did nothing wrong, but that he felt this is what he had to do. Oh and he told me as we were breaking up that when we got our first dog 2.5 years ago, he was 95% sure we were going to get married but since then he wasn’t sure. He also said he had set these deadlines in his head for proposing, like various holidays, birthdays, etc., but they all came and went and he was never 100% sure.
I have been devastated since he left. I am stuck in our old apartment with the dogs that we got together – our “family” – while he has been traveling around the world for work, got to move into a new place with roommates and built -in friends. His roommate has a dog which he even called “his new dog”!! I didn’t really build out a social circle when we moved to the West Coast because he had a bunch of friends here and we basically hung out with them. I really don’t know what to do. We have seen each other 3 times, which basically involved lots of crying and some talking (all three times, he kissed me before he left and said I love you repeatedly, even when I told him he didn’t have to say it and he said there were many times when he just wished he could come “home”). We have had limited email contact and no phone calls. I just feel so lost. This person was my best friend and the one I was planning on spending the rest of my life with. Now he is a stranger. I don’t understand how you can go from telling someone you love them and to not give up on them to out the door and totally gone. Its fine if he didn’t want to be together, but I can’t believe it took 9 years to figure that out. Why bother building a life with someone if you aren’t sure? I feel like maybe he just freaked out but I can’t imagine things getting fixed at this point. Its been almost 3 weeks now with no contact whatsoever.
Anybody been through this? Have any good thoughts? I know I should just move forward but it is so hard. I’ve been going to the gym a lot and taking good care of my dogs and talking on the phone lots to mom and sister. It isn’t fun to go out with the few friends I do have here and I can’t concentrate at work. I just feel so lost. Can’t even think about being with anyone else. Sigh.
Post # 3
@lonelyinsf: First of all ((hugs)) – I’m so sorry you’re going through this, the pain of breaking up a relationship is similar to a death, and sometimes even worse. I know you have a lot of questions, and his behavior is very strange from your description. Did he ever specifically say what it was about his life he was dissatisfied with? I have a hard time understanding how you can go from being best friends in a loving, healthy, happy relationship to it’s just “over” in the snap of a finger.
Did you have issues of any type? Most of the time relationships break up because of sexual problems, communication problems, family problems or money problems. Also relationships break up because of an affair, breach of trust or even abuse. Were any of those issues a factor in your relationship?
If you can try to make some sense out of what he’s done maybe you’ll be able to move past this. I know it’s hard but you need to try to take some steps towards healing. Counseling may help you with that, as well. I hope you can find some peace with this soon.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry for you – this is a terrible situation! I was in a long relationship when I was younger (5 1/2 years) and when it ended he also cut all contact with me. It was hard for me to understand, but I think he just couldn’t deal with being around me or talking to me – too painful. Your guy sounds pretty selfish and immature. His whole way of ending things proves that he was more interested in making things easy on himself, than doing right by you. As hard as it is, you may have saved yourself a lot of heartache in the future – and at least you don’t have kids. If I were you, I would try to do whatever is necessary to move on. I know moving closer to home helped me get through that time, as having the support of your family is invaluable. Figure out what you want to do with your life free from the restrictions of a relationship and go for it! I met my wonderful fiance and am now happier with him than I ever would have been with my ex! Give yourself time to grieve over what you have lost, and then take steps forward one day at a time until you find yourself in a better place. Good Luck!
Post # 5
@craft darling: thanks for the thoughts. it is good to know that others have been through this and made it out the other side! I have thought about counseling so maybe I’ll look more into that.
@sunfire: we had a few problems, but nothing major. actually we didn’t really fight at all, which might have been part of the problem. I guess he kept all his feelings inside which is why I ended up totally blindsided by the whole thing. He wants to work more (which we had tension over, as he was always working – like on vacations, weekends, at night after I went to sleep, etc.) and also have more time with his friends. I tried to be supportive, told him we could get a new place with an office and he frequently went on boys’ weekends, etc. I guess in the end he wasn’t ready to be tied down to me or have the responsibility of owning dogs and having to plan to take care of them.
argh. it sucks to feel like crap, feel lost, and feel like I am starting over when I thought I had everything figured out.
Post # 6
So sorry to hear about everything you’re going through. It’s heartbreaking. It will take time, but I truly believe things like this have a way of turning out for the best.
Post # 7
I’m sorry you’re going through this. His words and actions were not fair to you, it sounds like he was trying to make himself feel better about breaking your heart. My only advice is to build a new support network for yourself – take up some new hobbies and make new friends. No one should have to go through a break up alone. I know you’ll get through this!
Post # 8
Break ups suck so bad!
Try and keep yourself busy, join groups to meet people, or start your own (I got sick of trying to make friends so started a group for women in their 20’s on meetup.com and now have 104 people to do stuff with lol). Is there anything you have always wanted to do or try but haven’t yet? Maybe give that a go.
When my ex left I read “it’s called a break up because it’s broken” then wrote a huge list of all the things the new single me would like to do/try then started working out ways to make those things happen. It gave me something to work towards so I didn’t feel so lost. It was also pretty exciting when I realised I could do anything I wanted and didn’t have to consider anyone else in my decisions. Got any music you love that he hated? Play it loud! Any food you love to eat he doesn’t like? That’s for dinner! Just take the time to work out who single you is 🙂 Are there any groups that meetup with dogs near you? That could be a way to meet people too.
Post # 9
I have not been through this particular type of break-up, so I don’t have any advice. But your story is heartbreaking, and I just wanted to say I am so, so, so very sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find strength and comfort from your family and friends. (((((hugs))))))
Post # 10
My soul mate broke up with me 10 weeks ago and I’m still not over him. He has cut off all contact. All attempts to be “friendly” with him and see how he’s doing have been ignored. He also said I did nothing wrong, he loved me more than anything, I was his soul mate, etc. I am still dumbfounded on why he left me. He’s younger than me by 4 years, and I’m 33 and starting over. We were a couple of months away from getting engaged.
Looking back, the relationship had a shit ton of drama in it becuase his family sucked. It’s all in my older posts. I repeatedly felt like a piece of garbage because I cared for him while he had cancer… and his family just grew to hate me more and more. In the end, his family made him choose, and he chose them. It’s the most insulting way a person can be broken up with. I have no respect for him for being such a wussy scumbag.
I have accepted that I will realistically never have that kind of chemistry/connection with another person again for a long time, if not ever. But… I think I am okay with that. Chemistry and “excitement” only get you so far. The commitment wasn’t there. He couldn’t put me ahead of his family. He could only love me when it was easy and fun. No way would he have stuck by me if I had cancer. One thing I tell myself quite often is that I cleaned up his puke and diarrhea when he was going through chemo and the least he could have done was put me ahead of his horrible family, who had no respect for him whatsoever. Oh, and he cheated on me too. Icing on the cake
Tell yourself every day that this person chose to walk out of your life. He CHOSE it. SO all the blab about how he’s miserable without you, etc. is just hogwash to make you feel better. It probably makes you feel worse. I can smell BS a mile away, so I thank my ex for that. He convinced me that he will never love another woman again like he did me, etc. But it’s all crap. If he was that into me, he wouldn’t up and leave. Duh.
I hope this helps. Your guy sounds like a piece of work. I could never spend 9 years with someone who held their feelings in. I would always be wondering WTF they were thinking. Seriously!!!
Post # 11
OH, one thing that helped me so much is that I wrote a ton of poems about him and our breakup. I have been writing for about 11 years but the only thing that I could ever write about was a broken heart. Well, my broken heart from April was by far the worst breakup of my life, but 8 years ago someone else broke me really bad. And another person broke my heart when I was 22. I wrote a ton of poems about those 2 guys, and I stopped writing for 8 years because no one shook me that badly. So when Jon left me in April, I started writing again. I found a poetry open mike in town and read my poems out loud 3 weeks after my breakup. It was emotional, scary and also healing. I read my stuff out loud to a room full of strangers. It tore open my wounds but helped them heal a bit too.
I really hate that it’s taking this long to get over my ex. But I like that each week is a little easier. You will heal!
Post # 12
@lonelyinsf: i’m sorry you are going through this. it must have been quite the blow. pp have given you good advise for keeping yourself busy.
he probably did love you but wasn’t “in love” with you. huge difference. based on his actions he wasn’t ready to settle down with you. you deserve more than that.
this is a loss therefore you need to go through your stages of grief before getting to acceptance. this is important. if you are ever going to more on, you need closure.
i know that this won’t take away the pain but it helps with the closure. i have always had the mindset of “why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” trust me, it helps with your independence.
Post # 13
@lonelyinsf: First and foremost… (( HUGS ))
Ah, this really sucks… more so because in my opinion he is leading you on… he can’t marry you, won’t live with you, and needs to be apart… but he also says he loves you and can’t imagine life without you
Do yourself a BIG Favour, and find a way to distance yourself from this now very toxic relationship… he has hurt your heart, is playing with your emotions, and messing with your head. You DESERVE soooo much more than what this man is giving / willing to offer.
I agree 100% with @Cabbagefairy: time to read some really good books so you can SEE what is happening (from a Man’s point of view)
Greg Behrendt’s *It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken” is an excellent recommendation, as is his other book… *He’s Just Not That Into You*…
The first one will help you see how he is deceiving you… and the second one will show you what to look for in a man who really and truly loves you and can’t imagine living (or breathing) without you
Another great book is Dr Phil’s *Love Smart – Find the One You Want / Fix the One You Got*
I read both of these last 2 books post-Divorce, and they truly saved my life… I stopped dating the “unavailable” Bad Boys and found a guy who really and truly loved me… someone who wasn’t even on my radar previously. He treats me like a Princess… and I couldn’t be happier.
You can do it too… don’t waste another minute of “the pretty” (as Greg would say) there really is someone INCREDIBLE out there waiting to meet you… all ya gotta do is know where (actually mostly How and Why) to find him.
Post # 14
don’t listen to any more of his bullshit.
he does not love you if he would do this to you. don’t believe him. his words obviously dont mean anything.
just stop talking to him and cut the ties and start moving on with your life and piecing it back together.
Post # 15
Amen to lilsweetie I second what she wrote. He sucks big time and you are better off withoug him, yes it hurts and you do not see the pain diminishing, but trust me it eventually does and like the saying goes, time heals all wounds….in the meantime focus on you, get a new apartment so that you don’t have the memories of your old life with him there, change your email, phone numbers, etc and maybe start going out with new friends and meet ups so that you can explore your new found sense of self and freedom…also gym worked for me, I went to classes to release anger and stress over the break ups (whenever they came)…
Good luck to you!
Post # 16
Thanks for all the thoughts ladies. I am going to look into some meetup groups and definitely some of the books that were recommended. Hopefully I can pick myself up off the floor and get through this.
Actually although I am angry and sad about the end of the relationship, I am mostly sad about the dogs. Like these were our dogs – our kids – that I love so much and will be reminded every day for the next 15 yrs about this crappy guy. Also I am pissed he put me in a bad situation financially. I can’t live in our apartment for very much longer because it is too expensive but it is so hard to find apartments in sf that I can afford that are dog friendly. I also work full time and sometimes travel for work so I have a dog walker and dog sitter that is expensive! It sucks having someone tell you they have your back and you make plans and decisions based on one situation that then changes and you have no control over any of it.