Post # 1
Fiance and I have been dating for 6 years. Ever since I can remember his mother always tried to dissuade him from being with me. She thinks I’m too short and is upset that I am not a doctor like him (even though I have a doctor degree in another field and have the same job as her other son!). She would tell him all these superstitions, like the beauty mark on my face means that I will be a widow so if he marries me he will die. My parents are from another country and she’s said that they are stingy because that’s what people say about people that are from where they are from. She would even try to fix him up with other female doctors at her work. When my Fiance told her that we just got engaged, she was sad. Fiance says his mother says she will be crying at our wedding. Due to everything that’s happened in the past, I can’t help but assume that she’ll be crying because she hates me and not because she’s sad that her “baby” is growing up. So yeah, I just feel like she will be such a downer on our big day and will ruin it for me.
I’ve tried to participate in his family functions in order to get closer but it just leaves me feeling even more alienated. I went to a family function once where NO ONE talked to me. His grandparents don’t speak English, so that interaction was pointless. But no one asked me how I was doing, where I work, how is work, etc. They just kind of remained in their little family clique. I knew it was super bad when another family member actually came up to me, laughed and said, “No one is talking to you!” So needless to say, I passed up on some future family functions since all it did was humiliate me. Of course this was ammunition for my Future Mother-In-Law, as she tells my Fiance that I’m never around.
This was never the kind of family I wanted as in-laws. My other friends have also met his parents and told me that they come off as cold. I look at my friends and their FMILs are so excited and want to be a part of all the planning. My future in-laws are just talking behind my back about how I don’t have any of my plans set yet even though I still have adequate time and am working on it. I even emailed a picture of my dress to one of them and got ignored. It’s just so disappointing that I won’t be comfortable or close to my future in-laws.
And now I’m at that point where I’m thinking, “I am signing up for this for the rest of my life. Will I be able to tolerate it?” I just need some encouragement, and advice and would love to hear from those who are also in a similar situation. I always pictured happy family holiday gatherings, but with everything that has happened I don’t see it ever happening. I feel like they will always find something to hate about me and to talk about behind my back. And I’m sad that I’m letting their dislike for me ruin my mood. With every behind the back comment I find about I just dwell on it and become depressed.
Post # 3
Ok, well I am not currently in your situation but I grew up in this situation. My dad’s mother HATED my mom. With a passion. It was very, very diffcult on my parents marriage. My mom admitted to me that there were times that she considered divorce because my grandmother was so horrific to her. (I happen to look just like my mom, and therefore my grandmother was abusive to me throughout my childhood). Eventually, my dad grew really tired of his mom being so horrible to us and he put a lot of space between us and his parents. I wish you LOTS of luck, because this is not easy. Just know that you’ll never win with your Future Mother-In-Law…. you can show up to every family function, or skip them all and she”ll hate you just the same. Be sweet as pie and buy her gorgeous chrismtas gifts, or never spend a single christmas with her, and she’ll hate you just the same. My grandmother is 80 years old now, I speak with her from time to time but I am embrassed to be related to her. The only thing she ever taught me was to grow up and be nothing like her.
Post # 4
What does your Fiance say/do when they act this way? I can’t imagine my Darling Husband would be in a rush to spend time with people who treated me like that, family or not. That’s my main concern 🙁
Post # 5
Well due to all the time work takes up, he doesn’t spend a whole lot of time with his family but he does talk to them everyday. I think that I would mostly have to see them for holidays and maybe some other random times when I can’t get out of it. He did sort of defend me when I decided to skip out on the next family gathering since it was also one of my parents’ birthday that day.
I can only imagine the issues if we have kids. I can just picture his mother badmouthing me to my kid while babysitting. So yeah, wouldn’t really want them to spend a lot of time alone with her. I don’t want to have my fiance pick between his family or me, but I also don’t want to be around that negativity. The whole situation just puts a damper on me at a time when I’m supposed to be excited and it just really bums me out. Out of my friends I think I am the only one that faces this problem. Everyone else always says their inlaws treat them like family.
Post # 6
Can your Fiance stand up for you? He could always tell his mom that she is going to have to accept that you will be around for a long time, and that her treatment of you is driving a wedge between him and her.
If he puts it all on the line, there’s a chance his mom may rethink what she’s doing… just a thought.
Post # 7
your fi needs to be a man and tell his mom to shut it. if she can’t even respect or be civil with the woman that he chooses to marry, than frankly she does not deserve to be at the wedding.
Post # 8
No one likes to have to “choose” between people, but marriage is, in part, the act of leaving your family to make your own. There was an in-law situation for me as well, but my Fiance talked with his mother and it seemed that once he told her how he felt about her behavior, something clicked and she realized what she had been doing. It also turned out that she had a lot of stress on her shoulders from work-related things which I believe had a lot to do with it. Does your Future Mother-In-Law have other issues weighing on her that could possibly be linked with her attitude toward you?
Remember, as much as people like to say you’re not just marrying a person, you’re marrying a family, it’s not true. Yes, you still see them, interact with them and love them, but you are in no way bound to them the way marriage unites two people.
My Fiance and I learned that we have to protect what we have above anything else because there will always be someone or something that could potentially try and destroy or come between us.
Post # 9
I feel your pain..I’m in a similar situation and am at a low point thinking Am I doing the Right Thing??
I think a lot of mothers have “you’re taking my baby” syndrome, and that’s what I tell myself to keep myself sane.
Post # 10
What does your Fiance think? do? say? As long as your Fiance stands up for you, every time, and defends you and doesn’t let his mom get away with anything, then it really doesn’t matter what she says. I know it does matter to a point and it can be irritating as all get out but what matters most is how your Fiance handles it. I strongly advise you not marry him until he can grow a pair. Get this taken care of before you go any further. Putting a ring on it doesn’t change anything! You will be his priority when you marry and until he can prove that, please don’t move further along (and if you already are his priority and he does stick up for you, etc. that’s really great). If your Future Mother-In-Law talks bad about you but your Fiance is still right there by her side, he is validating her behavior of you and saying straight out “I’m okay with how you treat my future wife.” That is not right.
The only person putting your Fiance in the middle is his mother. You are marrying him, not his mother (for the most part) so as long as he is happy with who you are (and I would hope he is since he CHOSE you to be his wife).
Post # 11
Oh no. I’m so sorry. You’re right to consider this as importnat. and not just a “I’m marrying him, not his family”. I suppose it would be easier to deal with this, if you live far from his family, and wouldn’t have to deal. Is he a bit of a mama’s boy? Do you think he’d put them first?
Of course you don’t want to be in a position to make him choose. You want him to be able to be happy with both you and his family. But I agree with the other bees. He needs to lay it out for his mom. SOmething like, “Tandem is going to be my wife. So you need to treat her with resepect. If you can’t do that, we’ll leave the party/function, together. When we have children, I’m concerned that you’ll speak negatively about her around them. Or dislike them because they are her children. You need to think about how your behavior hurts Tandem, and me. And puts me in a bad situation, of having to choose. I shouldn’t have to choose….:
OK, well anyawy, if he can’t stand up for you, it gives you something to think about. (Where his priorities are.) I he can’t stand on his own, you’ll be second to his mom.
Post # 12
I’m sorry you’re going through this all. I know how tough it can be. FIL’s (mostly FMIL) are not thrilled they are losing their only child—they don’t realize he’s a 26 year old man now. Fiance luckily has taken my side. My best advice is to not let it get to you so much–nothing will make these kinds of people happy, no matter how far backwards you bend for them. Remember you are marrying him and starting a life with him–not them. I rarely see my in-laws but I never have encouraged Fiance not too.
As for the kids–that was a concern for me too. I wouldn’t have a problem letting them know not to speak to my children that way.
Post # 13
I think your Fiance has to have a serious talk with his family, especially his Mom. Those are some weird things she’s telling him! It’s way not ok fot the to treat you this way and you are right that you marry him and you marry the family. At least you guys do not interact with them often but you’ll be dreading the holidays every year. You do not want future children around that, too. I say he has to talk to his family and let them know if they care about him and want him in their lifes than they have to start accepting you and at the very least be cordial with you and not snarky.
Post # 14
Okay, your situtation is so similar to mine!
I won’t go into the details of my “relationship” with my in-laws, but its pretty much non-exsistent. I found myself wondering “how am I going to deal with this for the rest of my life?” and like you, I also envishioned having a fun & happy bond with my in-laws, esp my Mother-In-Law.
Its a sad reality that we will never be close. But, I have made the decision to always be civil (as it appears you are too.) What i did was be very honest with my husband. He knows how his parents (esp his mom) treat me & how they make me feel. The thing is though, is that he doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents, he never has. So, as bad as this sounds, it is my saving grace. Because he isn’t that close to his parents, we (and I) hardely ever see them. We live in the same city and I havn’t seen or talked to his parents since Nov. I encourge my husband to spend time with his parents, but he knows that I’m not going to tag along each time. If he wants me to go to see his family I will, but he understands that I need space from them as well.
Post # 15
I am in a VERY simular situation!!! My Fiance parets HATE me and talk about me behind my back alllll the time. They act like I AND me and my Fiance son dont exsist. They have done such aweful things to me and then turn around and say a complete lie and act like to everyone else that I AM the horrible person. They tell everyone out right lies like “I dropped out of school” SOOOO not true! And that “I had my son 2 hours away from home so we would be further from them” Ummm EXCUSE ME??? I was ambulanced to another hospital because I had pre eclampsia idiots! Some In laws are just mean! I SOOOO wish I had good ones but I dont.
What am I doing???? Well just being the nicest person you could ever meet! They already said they are not coming to the wedding because my Fiance quit talking to them after they treated me so badly but Im still sending everyone invites and makeing sure everyone feels sooooo welcome! Sometimes to back underneath someone else skin is just to be a total sweetheart. Mean people HATE really nice people! So just be as sweet as you can and act like you dont have time for their behaviour. Or just act like you dont even notice. They will straighten up or move their hatred towards someone else. GOOD LUCK!
Post # 16
@VirginiaMarie: OMG, I think we lived the same childhood.
My dad’s mom HATED my mom. She didn’t think my mom was attractive enough for my dad, she thought she was a bad mom, she hated everything about her. She doted constantly on my little sister because she looked like my dad. On the other hand, she couldn’t stand me because I looked like my mom.
One of my parents’ biggest problems was that my dad was not always on my mom’s side. He was a mama’s boy and often sided with his mother. Over the years, this got better, but it caused a major rift with my parents at times.
My Future Mother-In-Law is not my biggest fan. We are cordial/polite, but she has made it very clear she would not have chosen me for her son. Fiance and I had many arguments over this, and what solved it was him standing up for me/being on my side. Things even improved with my Future Mother-In-Law.
Your Future Mother-In-Law may never change. But make sure your Fiance is on your side and is an advocate for you. Things may improve, or at least be bearable.