Dealing With Money Trust Issues?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

WeddingBells2014:  Ooo, that’s rough. I’m so sorry. My only advice is to keep your very own account even as you get married. I was previously married to a man who was terrible with money. This guy make $100K a year and we still didn’t have money. Since we’ve been divorced, I’ve been able to save some money even though I make way less. I just think it’s important as a woman to maintain some independence in that department.

Post # 3
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

First incident your FI was in the wrong, he shouldn’t have spent money on his friends when he knew money was tight, but if he apologized and said he didn’t know you literally meant you only had enough money for food, OK. Second incident actually sounds like a non-incident – you got upset and it turns out over nothing. You can’t repunish your FI because you THOUGHT the second incident was his fault due to something he already apologized for previously.

It sounds like maybe you have the finances too much under your control. Why would your FI be whining for money to you? He should know your financial circumstances the way you do, he shouldn’t need to whine. Maybe you guys should start doing budgeting together so you can both always be on the same page. There is a lot of power in being the one who understands and controls the finances, but if you don’t want your fiance whining to you for money or spending things you had set aside for a different purpose, then you guys had better work together!

Post # 5
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

WeddingBells2014:  was the lunch incident a one time deal? Was he ever like this before he got a new job? If that’s the case I would cut him some slack if it was the first offense. Once you get a new job, it’s common to treat yourself a little because you have been frugal for so long. 

Post # 7
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

WeddingBells2014:  Ugh. It sounds like you have bent over backwards to try to teach him about money, but he’s setting you up as a mom figure. I understand partners should be able to rely on each other for support and capitalize on each other’s skills, but he is using you as a crutch and then whining about it, which is supremely unsexy.

Maybe you guys just need to do another sit down where you let him know it’s not OK to simply go through life relying on you to handle all the finances while he hides behind the “I’m bad with money” excuse. Everyone is bad with money when they just start out… it takes years to really understand what budgeting means, and to develop the willpower to stick to it. Maybe you guys should consider going to budgeting classes together – so not so much pressure is on YOU to teach him skills?

Post # 8
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

WeddingBells2014:  yikes, this is going to be hard. Habits are hard to break, and the more you try to lecture him, the more he is going to rebel and whine. If that’s the case, don’t lend him your card and keep it safe. Make sure he has no access to your account nor does he know how much you have. Then maybe you can teach him a lesson by not buying groceries for one week. Yes, that might mean you will starve but he won’t learn the lesson until he is in a dire situation. 

Yes, it sucks that you will have to lie about the money, but he needs to learn and he drag the whole family down. What happens when you have kids? is he going to take the baby’s food money and use it on himself? Not having fiscal responsibility is bad. God knows how many people I know who pretend to be rich and using credit cards, only to find out they have no money left and living off from other people. It’s sad. 

 

Post # 9
Member
10493 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

It would have to be a pretty emergent situation for me to consider ever lending someone my card.  If I were you, the first thing I would be doing is changing my PIN.  In my case, I completely trust DH, and our main chequing and credit card accounts are joint.  I would worry the bank though, what if there was a skimmer on the machine when DH used my card?  By breaking the rules the bank sets out, I could lose out on the fraud protection.  When your husband isn’t using the money for what it’s intended for, you just have more reasons to not share cards!

Do you guys each have your own spending accounts?  I think that would be the next step, set up rules as to what can come out of the main account that you’re controlling, and both of you can have your own spending money.  It would be fair, as you’re not using the grocery money on manicures or whatever you do, so he might feel better that he went out for lunch with friends, so he can’t buy a $60 game.  It gives him equal frivilous spending control to you.

As for the false accusation, hopefully he’ll be ready to forgive you soon.  We all screw up at times.

Post # 10
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I really think that he needs to take a personal finance course. It is too much of a hassle for you to handle the money, just so he can bug you later. You also should not have to hide your cash and cards from him, just so he won’t spend your money. I also don’t think that you should HAVE to do these next few things, but for your own well-being you may have to.

Keep your own checking and savings account that he cannot touch. Stop telling him how much money that you make and when. That is like waving a carrot in front of a starving horse. The only money he should know about is his. Stop giving him your debit card. Keep a small amount of cash in the house, hidden as well as possible. If he needs money take it from there and replace it as needed; keep him from our cards.

You should not have to treat him like a child, but that is how is he behaving. Clearly, he is not going to suddenly become amazing with the finances. Try to work this out now because money is a huge problem that can and has ended marriages. Best of luck!

Post # 11
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think you both have done some things wrong. I agree with a PP who says you should set out some frivolous money for each of you each cheque, and he can do what he wants with his frivolous money whether that be games or going out for lunch.  does he grocery shop with you? Maybe he should so he sees where the money goes.

it also may help if instead of using cards at all you use a cash jar system – have all the money you need for the two weeks between cheques in jars marke with what they are for. Then you keep a ledger with what the money went to. That hopefully also will help him see where it goes?

 

bottom line, you both need to be on board with where your money goes or it will definitely be a bigger deal than it is already.

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