Post # 1
Me and my mother have never been that close. I grew up with a social anxiety disorder and even though I have made astonishing improvements in socializing and communicating there are many things that I still do in complete privacy without telling anyone. Heck, I went 3 years without telling her I started my period!
For example, in September I started shopping for wedding dresses online. Later that month I found one that was perfect in every way and ordered it (only $300) when I got it the dress fit like a glove and was excited to show my mother. She brought me down with her comment on how I was wasting my money on this stuff (as if I will never get married!) and got snippy about how I was doing it and she apparently had “no right” to know I was planning any of this. I tried to pass it off because I assumed her attitude was because it came by surprise but part of me feels she should’ve seen this coming as we’ve been engaged for over 2 years and I graduate college in the spring.
I also just found the rings I want to order for the wedding – the budget was $200 and the two rings total just under $150 and are amazing in my opinion. I of course ran to show her what I was ordering (trying not to offend her by being so secretive) and she went on again about how I am wasting my money and said we could get $10 bands off of eBay… it hurt a lot for her to say that as if we have no chance so shouldn’t be spending money on our wedding. How can she expect me to be transparent about this if she won’t be supportive of anything!
She’s never been FI’s #1 fan due to a personality clash between the two of them but they are both civil and will make small talk when meeting – so it isn’t like he’s the devil or anything. We’ve been dating for over 4 years now and will be married on our 5 year anniversary so to me I don’t understand why she is acting like we are getting married after only months of knowing eachother. We’ve even been engaged for over 2 years now – but even then she sort of treated the news as a joke and that it’d be out of my system in a month or two.
I wanted to include her in the planning so bad, I had hoped she’d be thrilled to see the beautiful and affordable ring I had chosen instead of acting like $80 was WAY too much to spend. I was depending on her to help with my side of the guest list. I only have 8 people (he has a full 20 invites) so she would know what other people should be invited who know me.
Post # 3
OK, are you paying for this wedding yourself? If so, just stop talking about it with your mom. It seems clear that you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
As for the guest list, why do you need help inviting people who know you? It seems like if they know you, you should know them too, and want to invite them. If you are paying for it yourself, invite the people you want to be there.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@JessicaJupiter: Are you paying for the wedding yourself? If you are your mother is being absolutely ridiculous because your choices are beyond reasonably priced (it sounds like a tight budget!). Also, I think that you may find that your relationship may become even more strained if you include her in all your decisions because she is being harsh and somewhat ridiculous. Maybe ask her what her expectations are for involvement if she is paying?
Also, $10 for the wedding bands? Is that from Ardene’s or Claire’s? I don’t think you could even find that price in some of the mall stores …
Post # 5
I am sorry your Mom isn’t more supportive.Unfortunately you cannot change her behavior. The only thing you can change is your expectations. Don’t expect her to be excited and supportive and you won’t be disappointed.
Post # 6
@sarals24: I am paying for the whole wedding – it is a $2000 wedding which still seems way too much for her. The reason I need help with the guest list is because there are people who have been in my life (distant relatives, family friends) that I just can’t think of off of the top of my head. I know that she knows people who would be thrilled to come – and if I can afford to invite them I would be very happy to have more people there to celebrate within the guest limit we already set. I don’t have the best memory and she also is in contact with most of the people to get addresess to send the invitations.
@laceydoilies: She was looking on eBay at stainless steel rings from China – which drives me nuts considering I would never consider those and want half decent rings as I do intend to be married the rest of my life. As mentioned above she isn’t contributing a single penny to this wedding so I can’t comprehend why everything is too expensive when this is a fraction of what others pay. I am really doubting including her at all and will just let her get snippy with me when she sees all of the planning I can do on my own without telling her – I probably will get her feedback on the odd detail but that’ll be it.
Post # 7
You can’t remember people that you want at your wedding? Sorry, that seems odd. Why don’t you make a list of the people you DO want there, that you can remember, and if you need an address or phone number ask your mother for that specifically, or use other means (Facebook, the phone book) to find it.
Post # 8
Like PPs have said, I would stop discussing wedding plans with your mother as long as you are paying for everything yourself. A $300 dress and $150 for both rings is NOT a lot of money compared to what a lot of people spend on a wedding, so even if for some reason you don’t get married (not saying you won’t!) it’s not like you’ll be out tens of thousands of dollars like some people are. I think the main thing is that she should be happy for you no matter what. My parents really do not like my BIL at all, but they treat him nicely and have accepted him as part of the family. They realized that at 22 my sister was capable of making that decision for herself, so they let her. Your mom needs to grow up and just be happy for you and accept your relationship.