Post # 1
So, I wanted to get some advice about the current stressful situation with my mom. We’re relatively close; I talk to her at least once a week and also send her emails, but we do live across the country from each other. She in general complains a lot (and sends passive aggressive emails) that we’re not close anymore, that I don’t like her, why aren’t we friends like we used to be, etc. I guess she’s just your typical emotionally needy mother; I’m the oldest and the only girl, if that also helps give context.
So, she sent me an email yesterday that has gotten me pretty worried about what to do. She said she was talking to a friend whose daughter is also pregnant, and the friend is going to fly out a week before the daughter is due, and then stay for three weeks after the birth. Now my mom wants to fly out a week before my due date (I’m due at the end of September) and stay after as well. To be honest, I hate that idea. My ideal would be for her to book a plane ticket for a week after I’m due so that when she comes the baby is already here (unless I go super late, which is a possiblity), and she can spend some time bonding with her grandson.
I guess I just kind of want to share the whole experience with my husband, not my mother. She just requires so much attention; she’s not going to be ok with hanging out and taking a back seat to my husband and I going through this monumental experience together. She’s super jealous of the time I spend with him as it is. I guess I also feel like the week before I deliver, I want to be as relaxed as possible. She just brings drama with her. When we went on vacation, she kept following me to the pool to “have heart to hearts.” I guess I can just see her trying to talk extensively about our relationship when I’m trying to concentrate on becoming a mother and enjoying the last few days of it just being my husband and I.
So, thoughts? Is it “unnatural” not to want your mother with you at this time? Is the whole childbirth experience and postpartum going to be too much for my husband to handle on his own/will we need the help? Also, any ideas of how to say any of this to her?
Post # 3
You are perfectly allowed to ask her to come after your baby is born.
Everyone has a different relationship with their mom as such everyone will want their mom involved at different levels. There is nothing wrong with what you would prefer and you certainly are allowed to insist on it.
I am sorry that she will be making it more difficult instead of less.
Its up to you how much you tell her about why you dont want her there. You can simply tell her that you want this to be about you, your husband and your new baby. Or you can tell her more or less what you typed her. That you love her, but she brings tension when she is around and is needy and as a result you need her to respect your wishes. It may get a point across or it may not. Thats your decision.
Post # 4
I have a pretty poor relationship with my mom. A story for a different post. But I know she will try to pull the same thing When I tell her I’m pregnant. I even thought about fibbing about the due date to her. But i will be telling her honestly that she tends to make things all about her and I would not like her to be here when the baby is born. Ideally I wouldn’t want her to visit for a few months but that is just me.
This is a really special time for you and your husband. It’s not a family event like a wedding. You need to do what is best for you.
Post # 5
Thanks to both of you! I guess it’s hard because part of me feels really guilty for not wanting her there. But, I suppose I need to make decisions about the reality of who she is, and not some fantasy. I think no matter what she’s going to feel excluded and disappointed. I think I’d rather make the decision I want instead of trying to compromise and knowing that she’ll still end up upset at the end.
Post # 6
It’s easier said than done but let her be disappointed. Next time she decides to push a human being out of her she will get to make all the calls she wants in regards to who will be around her during the birth. Until then, it’s your turn and your call. Why should you have to miserable just to spare her a couple temporary feelings?
Post # 7
@JuneKallah: No, it’s not unnatural. I didn’t invite anyone to the hospital at either of my daughters’ births. It was just my husband and I.. and honestly, it was great. We didn’t have to entertain people, worry about people showing up, deal with family drama, nothing. It was just us and our babies, meeting each other for the first time.
I think you should be honest with her and tell her that you want to experience this with your husband and that you would love for her to visit after the birth to get to know her grandchild. She’ll be upset, most likely, but this is about you. You’ll be the one in labor. You need to be comfortable and calm and your husband needs to be able to be there for you without competing with your mother.
Post # 8
I’m super close to my mother, but I wouldn’t want her just hanging around for a month either! Even under the best circumstances, having a guest takes up time and energy, 2 things that will be in short supply when baby comes. Tell her you are thrilled for her to be there once the baby is born and that you want to be able to have her spend time with your son–but that such a long visit is a bit overwhelming and you would be able to enjoy her visit more if it is after the birth/shorter/she stays in a hotel.
Post # 9
I’m with you! It will be an experience between my Darling Husband and I, no one else
Post # 10
I had this exact situation with my mum! It caused me great grief. She also lives cross country and wanted to come stay a week before the baby was due. First of all, what if I am overdue? My Bradley instructor said that can be a very emotional time- so I did not want to risk having another emotionally needy person around (to tend to/ take care of/ look after- someone super sensitive) when I am not at my best – hard enough when I am at my best!
I took Bradley classes with Darling Husband and he is who I want in the labor and delivery. We worked out our communication and kinks during the classes and I am confident that he is the person, and the only person I want there.
I also wasn’t keen on having another person to deal with around the house when I want and need to concentrate on the baby (when she comes). I want some time to adjust before dealing with needy family members. Also, I want to avoid PPD, and I have read you shouldn’t be around anyone right away that you wouldn’t want to be around under extreme stress- and our relationship is explosive.
She at first told me she was coming and gradually came to the point (over several months) of asking what I wanted/ when I wanted her to come. It was a great relief, and as gently as possible I told her X date might be better. She is now coming nearer to X date, phew!
Figure out what matters to you, what you want, and don’t be sorry. This is an important time for you and your Darling Husband. Dh has to go straight back to work, and while I would love help, I don’t want the kind of help I have available from my unpredictable family (what can ya do?)
Post # 11
You only get to become a mother one time and like you said, this is your chance to experience something huge WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Grandparents have an important role, but it’s what you, the parents, make it. I think you should put your foot down and do this your way.
Post # 12
Definitely do what’s best for you! She sounds like my needy Mil and I wish I’d been firmer about needing space from her in hospital.
Post # 13
I have no relationship with my mother, but I absolutely do not want someone THERE with us before and after the birth. Thankfully, my wonderful inlaws live close to us and understand boundaries.
You need to tell her that she is welcome to come x date-y date, but not before or for longer.
Post # 14
@JuneKallah: Can you tell her the hospital does not allow multiple people there? Not to mention how will she know when you actually give birth, unless you have a scheduled c-section/induction? You can’t really even nail down the week…
Post # 15
@JuneKallah: “But, I suppose I need to make decisions about the reality of who she is, and not some fantasy. I think no matter what she’s going to feel excluded and disappointed. I think I’d rather make the decision I want instead of trying to compromise and knowing that she’ll still end up upset at the end.”
Your own answer is the best one! Follow this! 🙂
Post # 16
Your mom sounds a lot like my mom! And I can see her wanting to do the same thing. Just be honest with her – it’s OKAY that you want it to be just your husband and you. 🙂 Something to remember is that it’s YOUR family and you can make whatever calls about it that you choose.