Post # 1
I don’t usually write on the boards, but I’m having trouble handling my mom and I need help. I guess that my question really boils down to wondering if it’s okay for my mom to be upset that I haven’t included my brother in the wedding party. For a variety of reasons, my brother and my Fiance have had their share of troubles and so it would be asking a lot to have him standing up there with the rest of my Fiance’s nearest and dearest. I’m also not particularly close to my bro these days, so I’m not jumping at the chance to have him up there either. Is she oversteping her boundaries by making this demand? Or am I just be insensative?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I think that she definitely has a right to ASK you about including him – demand? No. It’s your wedding and ultimately you get to choose who is included in the wedding party. It may cause some problems with your brother and may end up making your relationship worse in the long run, but that’s your choice – if him and your fiance have had problems in the past and they were big enough that you don’t want to include him in the wedding now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Is your mom aware of the problems between them? Have you talked to her about why you’re not including him?
Post # 4
I think she is overstepping. Sometimes I think parents think they did a bad job if their children don’t get along. Asking for him to be up there gives her the illusion you do get along. Plus, it is ultimately up to your Fiance who gets to stand with him. Maybe you can compromise and have him as an usher. Does your brother even want to be up there?
Post # 5
your the bride, its your wedding. Not your mom’s. When I first started this whole process my Future Mother-In-Law was in my face with so many demands and opinions that I just had to step back and reanalyze the situation. At the end of the day, its about your and your love getting married. If you dont want him up their, that is your right. She has the right to ask, but you have the right to say no. She will get over it.
Post # 6
i agree with Talishazwi, maybe try and compromise? is there some other way you can include him? I am only going to include my brother if my FI’s brothers are included as well.
Post # 7
Future Mother-In-Law keeps pressuring Fiance to include his cousin in the wedding party. It’s annoying b/c he was never going to include him in the first place as they arent’ very close (his brother is a GM) and we are already uneven – he has 7 Groomsmen and I have 5 BM’s. Now Fiance is on the verge of asking his cousin to make his Mom happy and I have to step in and stop him. It’s getting out of control, there are WAY too many people he could potentially ask and I know once he gives in once, Future Mother-In-Law will come up with someone else who needs to be asked and it will never end.
Post # 8
Talk to your brother. Ask him if he would be hurt to not be in the wedding party. If he says ‘yes’, then you have a dilemma – have him be a bridesguy on your side, have him hang out with your Fiance to resolve their issues so he can be a gm, have him as a gm but cut down on the wedding party activities so their relationship isn’t an issue (FI hanging out with his buds doesn’t count as a wedding activity). Actually it could be the start of a whole new relationship with your brother. But chances are pretty good that he’ll say ‘no, I really don’t care about being a gm’. Either way you say to your mother, ‘we’ve talked and worked it out between us so you don’t need to worry about it anymore’. ‘I don’t want you to trouble yourself about that’ is a beautiful way to say ‘butt out’.
Post # 9
Thank you all so much for the ideas and input. of course I wish that everyone got along perfectly all the time, but I also have to face the reality of my situation. I’m going to include my brother in another special way, for sure. I just don’t think it’s okay to force my Fiance to include him in something so person. Honestly, what would I do without this site to save my sanity!?
Post # 10
I know this post was a while ago, but I can relate and wanted to throw in my two cents – I think that your fiance should absolutely get to choose who stands beside him at the wedding, so that his wedding party is a group that is supportive and meaningful for HIM. My mom tried to influence my FI’s decision as well, and I thought it was really unfair. In my case, we’re involving the person that my mom wanted as an usher, which appeased her and honored that person without putting my Fiance in an uncomfortable position.
Post # 11
I was in the same situation!
I actually posted about this before: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/brother-as-a-groomsman
I structured my post a bit differently but it was essentially the same thing. We ended up including him. Was it a bad idea? Well, we haven’t had the wedding yet so I’m not sure. Is he still rude to me/us? Definitely. Is he nice or OK sometimes? Yes.
My mom went through her ups and downs with us as well. At one point, she said she would completely understand if we didn’t include him (he is rude to her as well, often). However, she later retracted that comment and said it is better for us to include him. She didn’t demand for us to do it, but there was still some pressure to please and keep peace.
I think in the end, it is better to keep peace because you will have your family forever and there is no sense in tearing it up over something so small. Really, does it matter who is in your bridal party? I don’t think it will kill you to include him…
Post # 12
I’m so sorry you’re having family issues, that’s nevr easy to deal with, especially planning your wedding. I can where your mom would be upset, I mean you and your brother are her kids and it probably upsets her that yall don’t have a good relationship (or as good as she would hope for) and I can see where it would upset her for you not to want him in the wedding if you could. However, as someone else said, she can tell you her opinion and discuss it with you but she can’t demand it. That’s not fair and I think that your bridal party is extremely important because those people are standing up there with you as your official witnesses as you take your vows and become husband and wife. Please don’t feel like you are obligated to have him in your wedding. Is there a chance of reconciliation before the wedding? Maybe at the very least, he could be an usher? I know where you’re coming from, I’m going through something similar and it’s certainly not easy. Just relax and remember that it will all work out, somehow. *hugs*
Post # 13
My sister dropped out of mine and my mother doesnt even care! She acts like nothing happened at all and to me, sorry but its just f***ed up! Its your wedding and you do what you want, moms are always going to have something negative to complain about, their our mothers