Post # 1
I’ve had issues with my FMIL being a bit needy, oversensitive and manipulative. FI and I tried this past year to split holidays, but FMIL wasn’t happy because it wasn’t how she wanted it, and spent Christmas day crying over how hurt she was when we arrived. Now I am beginning to think she is not just needy, but perhaps jealous of my parents and any time we spend with them, though we actually see FI’s parents more.
FI and his family have NEVER celebrated Easter – they’re actually Jewish, but aren’t religious at all.The most they ever did was go to town egg hunts as kids. FI and I made plans to spend the day with my parents, who are about a 2 hour drive away. FMIL learns this and decides to host her first ever Easter and expects us to be there for brunch and said we could then continue up to my parents place for dinner. we haven’t gotten back to her, but we are both leaning towards a “no” because it seems like this is just her way to keep us away from my parents. I am offended – I observe Easter as a religious holiday – attend church with my family Sunday morning and we observe it for what it is. I’m insulted that she would interfere with this- I have NO idea why she would insist of celebrating Easter for the first time in her life.
I just don’t know if I have it in me to deal with another one of her meltdowns. What would y’all do?
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I’d let her pout and act like an *ss, but I’m pretty heartless like that. In our family, it’s my mother who pulls that kind of crap, and I flat out told her that I have no interest in dealing with her when she behaves like a child.
Let your FI tell her that you already have Easter plans and will be keeping them. Polite but firm. If she chooses to behave poorly, that’s on her and it’s not your problem.
Post # 3
lovekiss: I have no problem just letting her pout! I just hate the way it places a cloud over everything, and it makes FI sad to have his mother behave this way.
Post # 4
I’d have my husband say, mom, we never celebrated easter, and we are Jewish (don’t they celebrate Passover, not Easter specifically?). This is an important holiday to blushingbride and her family so we will spend it with her family. Just like you wouldn’t spend Hannukah with YOUR family instead of his…
We aren’t spending Easter with DH’s family, we never do, because they don’t celebrate it, they just did easter egg hunts when they were all kids. My family on the other hand is Lutheran, goes to church (I dont but some of them do) and then we have brunch together, it’s a dress up holiday in my family.
Post # 5
blushingbride2bee: Let her pout. Divide up the holidays as you and your FI see fit, draw the line, and don’t let her spoil one moment of your time.
And if she keeps adding holiday celebrations, I’d just ignore those completely. Giving in to her meltdowns is like giving in to a child’s tantrums – you will see more and more meltdowns. You need to nip this in the bud.
Post # 6
blushingbride2bee: I’d say no. You’ve already made other plans. Offer to come see her another day.
So what if she has a melt-down? Leave her to it. Her having a meltdown doesn’t require you to be subjected to it.
Post # 7
Tell her you’re going to church at the crack of Dawn.
Post # 8
blushingbride2bee: Can you offer a compromise to see her later in the day?
But don’t feel bad about missing the brunch. That’s her fault for making plans without checking with you first.
Post # 9
blushingbride2bee: My FMIL pulled something very similar for Easter. We are going away (neither side is religious) and she was upset when we told his aunt no on the invite to Easter. All of a sudden she was super upset because we went away for Easter last year too and blah blah blah. And you know what my fiance did? He pretty much told her to get the hell over it. They never celebrate Easter, we pracically had to beg her to come to Christmas and we weren’t changing our plans. Maybe she pouted about it but I don’t know because my fiance handled it. It’s your fiance’s family. I feel pretty strongly that as his future wife he has to stick up for you and your relationship. It shouldn’t be your job to deal with her meltdowns. And I agree with what another poster said, you start giving her the attention and melodrama now she will only ramp up this behavior. Just wait if you have kids….. Tell your fiance to deal with her and enjoy your easter with your family!
Post # 10
aussiemum1248: I usually have no problem compromising and have done so all along, only to spend the holidays with sulking, crying FMIL!
Perhaps others can weigh in too, but I see NO reason why I need to compromise on Easter. It is not a holiday FI’s family celebrates, and it is beyond us why it is all of a sudden so important for her to have us over. Would you compromise in this situation, knowing that she is just trying to get attention?
Post # 11
Mstar: LOL, yea everyone is saying “just wait till you have kids…” Luckily FI has been pretty good with sticking up for me. He said he is going to call her later and tell her what is going to happen for Easter and is prepared to hang up when she starts with the round of guilting he’s typically subject to. Our plan going forward with her sulking is to leave. After the way she acted on Christmas (they do celebrate it instead of Hanukah), FI said that if she ever behaves that way again we will leave. It’s taken some time and long talks to get on this page with FI – it was a huge adjustment for him to stand up to his parents. I count that as a blessing!
Post # 12
I wouldn’t compromise. I would have your FI tell her you are sorry but you already have plans that cannot be changed for Easter, but that you would love to take her out to dinner another night.
Post # 13
your plan is great. your FI might lose resolve from time to time in standing up to his mom. but, over time, once he stops dealing with her guilt trips and manipulation, he’ll feel much much better and won’t deal with it again. remind him that the choice is always his (not just hers). yes, she does get to choose how she behaves, but, when she sulks and throws fits, he gets to decide if he’s going to encourage it or if he’ll leave and not deal with her until she composes herself.