Dealing with needy FMIL

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I’d let her pout and act like an *ss, but I’m pretty heartless like that. In our family, it’s my mother who pulls that kind of crap, and I flat out told her that I have no interest in dealing with her when she behaves like a child.

Let your FI tell her that you already have Easter plans and will be keeping them. Polite but firm. If she chooses to behave poorly, that’s on her and it’s not your problem.

Post # 4
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’d have my husband say, mom, we never celebrated easter, and we are Jewish (don’t they celebrate Passover, not Easter specifically?). This is an important holiday to blushingbride and her family so we will spend it with her family. Just like you wouldn’t spend Hannukah with YOUR family instead of his…

We aren’t spending Easter with DH’s family, we never do, because they don’t celebrate it, they just did easter egg hunts when they were all kids. My family on the other hand is Lutheran, goes to church (I dont but some of them do) and then we have brunch together, it’s a dress up holiday in my family.

Post # 5
3836 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

blushingbride2bee:  Let her pout.  Divide up the holidays as you and your FI see fit, draw the line, and don’t let her spoil one moment of your time.

And if she keeps adding holiday celebrations, I’d just ignore those completely.   Giving in to her meltdowns is like giving in to a child’s tantrums – you will see more and more meltdowns.   You need to nip this in the bud.  



Post # 6
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

blushingbride2bee:  I’d say no. You’ve already made other plans. Offer to come see her another day. 

So what if she has a melt-down? Leave her to it.  Her having a meltdown doesn’t require you to be subjected to it. 

Post # 7
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Tell her you’re going to church at the crack of Dawn. 

Post # 8
7025 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

blushingbride2bee:  Can you offer a compromise to see her later in the day?

But don’t feel bad about missing the brunch. That’s her fault for making plans without checking with you first.

Post # 9
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

blushingbride2bee:  My FMIL pulled something very similar for Easter.  We are going away (neither side is religious) and she was upset when we told his aunt no on the invite to Easter.  All of a sudden she was super upset because we went away for Easter last year too and blah blah blah.  And you know what my fiance did?  He pretty much told her to get the hell over it.  They never celebrate Easter, we pracically had to beg her to come to Christmas and we weren’t changing our plans.  Maybe she pouted about it but I don’t know because my fiance handled it.  It’s your fiance’s family.  I feel pretty strongly that as his future wife he has to stick up for you and your relationship.  It shouldn’t be your job to deal with her meltdowns. And I agree with what another poster said, you start giving her the attention and melodrama now she will only ramp up this behavior.  Just wait if you have kids…..  Tell your fiance to deal with her and enjoy your easter with your family!  

Post # 12
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wouldn’t compromise. I would have your FI tell her you are sorry but you already have plans that cannot be changed for Easter, but that you would love to take her out to dinner another night.

Post # 13
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

your plan is great.  your FI might lose resolve from time to time in standing up to his mom.  but, over time, once he stops dealing with her guilt trips and manipulation, he’ll feel much much better and won’t deal with it again.  remind him that the choice is always his (not just hers).  yes, she does get to choose how she behaves, but, when she sulks and throws fits, he gets to decide if he’s going to encourage it or if he’ll leave and not deal with her until she composes herself.

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